


Who I am Today

by Showmethedestiel



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Bisexual Dean, Castiel Being an Idiot, Closteted Dean, Dean Being an Idiot, Drug Addiction, Drug Use, Eventual Smut, F/F, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Lucifer (Supernatural) is Called Luke, M/M, Minor Character Death, Mutual Pining, Pansexual Cas, Recreational Drug Use, Shipper!Sam, Slow Burn, Smut, Tattooed Castiel, University AU, coffee shop AU, punk!Cas, they're all idiots
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-03
Updated: 2018-02-04
Packaged: 2019-01-29 01:14:04
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 23
Words: 58,578
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12619776
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Showmethedestiel/pseuds/Showmethedestiel
Summary: Dean Winchester was happy. He had a part-time job at a coffee shop, a girlfriend, and he was getting his degree in a little over a year. What else could he need?At least, that's what he thought until his mysterious neighbour - Castiel Novak - moved in across the hall and showed Dean what he had been missing.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I've been really into punk Castiel lately, but there isn't nearly enough, so here, I'm writing some.  
> Warning: There's some pretty heavy stuff in here - it's all in the tags so make sure and read through them. Also, sorry-not-sorry for my British spelling.  
> Enjoy!  
> -B

  
Dean was just finishing his shift at the coffee shop down the street from his dorm. It was a Friday; the first Friday Dean had had free for a long time. The last week had been utterly hectic, due to it being finals week. But now, he had a whole three months of freedom from school. And he intended to make the most of it.

Twirling the keys to his car (a '67 Chevy impala, but everyone on campus knew that - much to their chagrin - because of Dean's semi-frequent 3AM drives, and his Baby's unfortunate jet-engine sounding purr) around his index finger, Dean made his way out of the swinging glass doors of the coffee shop, whistling Stairway to Heaven. He passed Benny, who would be taking over Dean's shift inside, and mimed tipping his cap; giving his award winning grin.

"Well aren't you just pleased as punch, Winchester?" Benny drawled, slowing to a stop in front of Dean.

Dean nodded. "Got my last final over with today, so now it's just me, Charlie, and the latest Game of Thrones episodes for the rest of the weekend."

Benny nodded, "You ain't coming to Henrikson's party tomorrow then?"

"Bastard never told me about it." Dean frowned. "I'll think about it. See what Charlie says."

"I'll be lookin' out for you." Benny said, "I gotta get to work. See ya brother." He saluted lazily before disappearing into the coffee shop.

Benny was one of the very few people that Dean hadn't known his whole life, but trusted implicitly. The endearment summed it up; he and Benny were like brothers. If either of them believed in reincarnation they might even say they'd been brothers in another life - that or war veterans. To say Dean and Benny had been through some shit was an understatement.  
Dean unlocked the impala and collapsed into the driver's seat, shoving a cassette into the player and cranking up the volume. Jamming the keys in the ignition, he proceeded to pull out of his parking space and race down the street, heading towards the library to pick up Charlie.

 

This was Dean's third year attending the University of Texas. He was studying engineering; even though he'd always expected to work fixing cars in Singer Repairs with his uncle Bobby, the man always had known him better than he'd known himself, and had set up a fund when he was young - allowing him to get an education. Not to say that plan was out the window completely, if Bobby made the slightest indication he needed help back at the shop, Dean would drop all this in a heartbeat - for family. That being said, Dean was enjoying this whole thing more than he expected.

Six months ago, Dean had gotten the nerve to ask out his now-girlfriend; Lisa Braeden. She worked at the coffee shop before Dean did, when he used to come in almost every day - even though it was a twenty minute detour from his route to class. Eventually he had asked her out to dinner, flustered and nervous. She'd said yes ("of course she did, dumbass." "Thanks Charlie."). Dean had gotten a job washing the dishes at the coffee shop (Crowley's Croissants, yes, cheesy, Dean knows.), and had worked his way up to manning the till.

Lisa had just finished her fourth year of English literature. Although Dean still lived in the University dorms, Lisa had been not-so-subtly hinting that he should move in with her; but Dean wasn't quite ready to leave his comfortable, reliable room that he'd called home for the last three years, so he had been avoiding her hints.

That's where Dean was now; sitting on his blue, plaid comforter - huddled next to his best friend Charlie. They had been watching crap TV for the last three hours, after catching up with Game of Thrones and Stranger Things, and it was now well past midnight.

Charlie sat up and yawned, reminding them both of this fact. She patted Dean's knee and stood up, stretching.

"You're not staying?" Dean asked, yawning too.

Charlie shook her head, scrunching up her face. "Dor's coming to pick me up early tomorrow. We're going strawberry picking."

Dean raised an eyebrow but said nothing - having learned not to question the couple's odd activities. Instead, he nodded. "I might go see Lisa anyway."

They remained in comfortable silence while Charlie gathered up her things. Finally she stood up and smiled widely. "See you soon, Dean."

"Yeah, see ya Char. I'll walk you to the door."

"It's, like, eight feet away, Dean." Charlie scoffed.

"Yeah, but I gotta turn off the TV anyway. Besides - you don't think I'm the perfect gentleman and would do it anyway?" Dean asked indignantly.

Charlie rolled her eyes, opening the door. "Get over here and hug me then, dumbass." She teased.

Dean stood and walked over to hug his friend, crushing her slightly, but he knew that's what she likes. "See ya, kiddo." He said, ruffling her hair.

"Dean, I'm older than you." Charlie replied, already walking away down the corridor.

"Yeah, yeah. Whatever." Dean called after her.

He was about to close his door again, when he noticed the boxes outside the room across from his. It looked like someone was moving in - which wasn't surprising, the last guy who lived there; Alex or something, had dropped out last semester. Dean wanted to just go back inside and go to sleep, but curiosity got the better of him. He waited a few moments before walking over and knocking on the door. There was no reply, even though the door was open a crack. Dean waited for another moment before shrugging and turning to go back to his dorm, sure he would find out who his new mystery neighbour was soon enough. As soon as he turned, though, he saw the door swing open.

"Yeah?" Standing in the doorway was a boy, Dean's age - or so he guessed. He had black, bedraggled hair - yet the style somehow looked purposeful. There were two silver hoops piercing his left eyebrow, and another in his lip. His eyes were lined with kohl, but some of it had rubbed off by this time at night. That didn't do anything to hinder the makeup highlighting his striking blue eyes, though. They were like looking into a collapsing star, Dean idly thought.

Dean realised he'd been staring and shook his head slightly to make himself stop. "Uh, hey." He said, eloquently. "I mean, I'm Dean - I live across the hall." He gestured behind him at his open door. "You need any help?" He asked, glancing at the boxes at the other boy's feet.

He shook his head slowly, as his gaze bored into Dean. "No, thank you." He said. "I've got it."

"Oh, okay..." Dean replied. "I'll see you around then."

The other boy nodded in agreement before turning and going back into his room, but he left the door wide open. Dean watched him climb up onto his desk, with the agility of a cat, and slide through the open window onto the flat roof outside. He picked up an already lit cigarette and settled with his back against a short wall; silhouetted by the luminous streetlight below.

Dean shook his head again, releasing himself from the trance he'd fallen into. It was late, he told himself. Finally he turned and walked back into his room. Hoping to forget about that strange encounter, Dean buried himself beneath his bedsheets and closed his eyes. He couldn't seem to stop wondering about the boy across the hall, though. Eventually he must have drifted off.

The next morning the door was closed and the boxes gone.

 

"Dean!" Victor yelled over the thumping bass permeating the heady air around them.

"Hey Vic." Dean replied, raising his red cup of beer in greeting.

"Have you met the new guy yet?"

"What new guy?" Dean questioned, wondering if his friend was referring to his new neighbour.

Victor shrugged. "Bela brought him. Says he just moved in next to her."

Not Dean's new guy, then. He shook his head. "Haven't seen him."

"I'm surprised." Victor chuckled, somewhat ominously.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

He just shook his head and wandered off into the throng of people.

Dean frowned, a little worried at Victor's secrecy, before shaking it off and turning to refill his beer.

When he rounded the corner into the kitchen, he was met with the sight of Aaron and Bela holding a pair of legs in the air. The man doing a kegstand had long-ish dark blond hair. It seemed as if Dean had found the 'new guy'.

Everyone was chanting "Gabe! Gabe!". Dean really just wanted a drink, but he paused, leaning against a counter to watch, wearing an amused smile.

After what seemed like way too long to be upside down, let alone drinking, the man was righted - staggering just a little before punching the air in victory; eliciting a cheer from the room. After a moment Bela spotted Dean and grabbed him by the arm, dragging him over to her, Aaron, and Gabe.

"Dean! You have _got_ to meet Gabriel - you'll love him." She exclaimed.

Dean turned to Gabe. "So," he began. "You're the infamous 'new guy', huh?"

Gabe chuckled, amber eyes twinkling. "Have I earned that title already? Sounds like a record." He extended a hand. "Gabriel. At your service."

Dean took the proffered hand, laughing softly. "Did I overdress or somethin'? You're acting like I'm your boss."

Gabriel grinned and winked, "Gotta be chivalrous when you meet a pretty guy like you."

Normally that kind of comment would put Dean on edge, but tonight he just went with it. Perhaps it was something in the other man's eyes - but Dean trusted him already.

He shook his head. "I'm flattered, but just so you know, I don't swing that way, dude."

"Neither do I, but it's not everyday you come across a piece of art." Gabe winked again.

"Okay, even if I did swing that way, that was the cheesiest thing I've ever heard." Dean said, laughing.

Gabriel shrugged. "Just tellin' it like I see it." He said, before sobering a little. "Anyway, good to meet you Dean, but I'd better get going. Gotta check on my little bro; said I'd help him unpack."

Dean nodded absently. "You're not driving are you?"

"Yeah, so?" Gabe asked indignantly.

"Dude I just saw you chug like, twenty gallons of beer in three minutes."

The other man rolled his eyes. "Fine, what do you suggest I do? I don't exactly know the area."

"Where you headed? I was on my way out anyway." It wasn't quite true, but Dean was starting to get bored of the party, and the loud music was starting to give him a headache.

Gabriel narrowed his eyes. "One minute you're telling me to back off, now you're offering a lift at night to a stranger? Talk about mixed signals." He scoffed. "But uh, the dorm buildings - somewhere..." He gestured vaguely.

"You're in luck then. That's where I'm headed." Dean downed the last dregs of his beer and tossed the cup in the trash, before turning to walk out the room. "You comin'?" He called over his shoulder, watching as Gabe followed him.

 

Gabriel made the expected awed compliments about Dean's baby, before Dean drove them back to the dorms.

When they got to the front doors Gabe turned to Dean. "Thanks for the lift, sweet-cheeks." He grinned. "Look me up on Facebook or something, if you ever want some better taste in music around."

Dean rolled his eyes. Gabriel had not been a fan of Dean's classic rock on the ride over - but, as Dean had so politely put, "driver picks the music, shotgun shuts his cakehole".

"Yeah, yeah. Whatever." Dean said. "I'll see you around."

The two of them went their separate ways as soon as they were inside the building. Dean to his room on the third floor, Gabe to god knows where.

Five minutes after Dean sat down in his own room, he heard someone knock loudly at one on the other doors nearby. That was one of the drawbacks to Dean's beloved housing; the paper-thin walls. He heard the assaulted door opening, and a voice say, "Gabe? What the fuck are you doing here? And why do you smell like a frat house?"

Wait, what? Gabe's brother lived on Dean's floor? Surely Dean would've noticed somebody moving in so close- _ohh_. Mysterious blue-eyes was Gabe's brother.

Dean wanted to sit down and mind his own business. He really did. But apparently his legs had other ideas as they carried him over to his door. Meanwhile the conversation was still going on.

"Come on Cassie, I told you yesterday I'd help you get settled. And here I am!"

"You're here at midnight and you're clearly drunk, Gabe. Go home." The voice said firmly.

"Don't be like that little bro-" Gabriel was cut off by his brother.

"Home, Gabe. Now. You can come back in the morning, once you're sober."

Dean opened the door to hear a frustrated sigh, and saw Gabriel start to walk away. "Hey, Gabe," He said, but apparently the other man didn't hear him as he just kept on walking, before disappearing around the corner.

Finally Dean's attention was drawn the the open door across from his - or, more specifically, the person occupying said open door.

Dean cleared his throat. "So, Cassie, huh? You never told me your name that last time. I had a girlfriend called Cassie once." Dean cut himself off from rambling any more in an attempt to eliminate the awkwardness from intervening in the fraternal fight. "Sorry." He coughed. "Don't know why I said that."

Cassie had just been staring at him, an amused almost-smile on his lips. "It's Castiel. Only he calls me Cassie." Castiel gestured down the hall to where Gabriel had disappeared. "Dean, right?"

Dean nodded. "Yeah, Dean Winchester."

"I'm sorry if I was rude yesterday, Dean."

That wasn't what Dean had expected him to say. "No worries man. So Gabe's your brother, huh?" He asked, redundantly.

Castiel nodded. "Unfortunately. I love him, but he's an ass."

Dean snorted. "Yeah, that's the general impression I got from him."

There were a few moments of silence where Dean noted Castiel's eyes studying him, and he suddenly felt strangely underdressed; having changed into pajama bottoms and a faded Metallica t-shirt. The other boy was in heavy, weathered, black leather boots, black skinny jeans, a studded belt, and a band t-shirt that Dean had never heard of, along with a leather jacket.

"You going out?" Dean asked, gesturing at Castiel's outfit.

He nodded. "I was about to go for a walk. You know any good places nearby? Haven't quite got my bearings, yet."

"Sure I do. You up for company?" Dean grinned.

Castiel seemed to consider for a moment before nodding. "Sure. Let's go." He stepped out of his room, the door clicking shut behind him.

"Cool, let me just get changed real quick." Dean said.

Castiel narrowed his eyes at him.

"What?"

He shrugged. "Nothing. It's just, it's not like anyone cares. And besides, it's June."

"You expect me to wear this?" Dean scoffed.

Castiel raised an eyebrow. "I don't see why not."

Dean hesitated before shaking his head. "Fine whatever."

The other man smiled brightly, before setting off down the corridor, leaving Dean to trail behind.

 

"I took my brother here last summer." Dean said, watching Castiel sit beside him on a tree that had come down with last week's storm. His eyes glinted in the soft moonlight - if Dean was a poet, he was sure he'd write a poem about the image of his mysterious neighbour with piercings and eyeliner, and a ridiculous brother, and a strangely charismatic smile; sitting beside him past midnight in a clearing in the woods. But Dean wasn't a poet, and never had been, so he settled for watching the other man as he looked around the place Dean had brought them.

"I like it." Castiel said, turning his attention back to Dean. "I bet out here, no one would hear you scream."

Dean's eyes widened comically.

Castiel burst out laughing. "I- I'm kidding. Jeez, do I really give off that much of a serial killer vibe?"

Dean chucked. "I only met you today, dude, I don't even know your last name. You could be a famous mass murderer for all I know."

"Do you think there are many famous mass murderers called Castiel, Dean?"

Dean shrugged. "I don't follow the news that closely, to be honest."

They sat in silence for a few minutes, watching the twinkle of streetlights from far away, and listening to the ambient sounds you hear at night.

They were interrupted by Dean's teeth chattering; comically loud in the near-silence.

Castiel sighed. "Here." He said, taking off his leather jacket.

"Dude, no, its fine. I'll live." Dean protested, shaking his head.

Castiel just raised an eyebrow. "I was the one who told you that you wouldn't be cold - now don't make me straight-jacket you with this."

Dean scoffed. "Like you could." He smirked.

Castiel gave him a look, and suddenly Dean wasn't so confident in his assumption. He shrugged, rolled his eyes and mumbled a "thanks" before he took the jacket. He put it on, and it fit pretty well - plus it was warm from Castiel's body heat. Dean hugged it closer for the warmth.

"We should get back." He said, standing.

"Why?"

"Because it's late." Dean stated.

"And? Are you planning doing anything tomorrow?" Castiel asked, like Dean was the one being ridiculous.

"Well Cas, if you're that desperate to see me I guess I could clear my calendar..." Dean teased, chuckling when Castiel hit him on the arm.

"I'm busy tomorrow anyway." He said, firmly.

"All right, I was just-"

"But ask me again the day after. We should hang out then."

Dean shrugged. "All right. I mean, I'll see what I'm doing."

Castiel rolled his eyes and got to his feet. "Come on then, if you're so determined to get back." He said, striding off in front of Dean, once again leaving Dean to catch up.

On the way back, Castiel pulled out a cigarette. Dean raised an eyebrow but said nothing.

"What?" Cas mumbled, lighting up. "It's been a long day. I'm a stress-smoker."

Dean raised his hands in surrender. "I didn't say anything."

"You gave me a look."

Dean paused. "My dad was a smoker."

"And that's a bad thing?" Cas asked, exhaling smoke which curled over his lips, dancing in the low light before his eyes.

Dean shrugged. "It is what it is."

Castiel seemed to accept this and nodded.

 

"I'll see you later, Cas." Dean said before closing his door. Once he was in bed, he paused to wonder when he'd given Castiel a nickname.


	2. Chapter 2

Dean did end up seeing Cas the next day. He was having lunch with Lisa in Crowley's Croissants. Lisa was, once again, talking about how, _Dean's dorm room was so small,_ and _how_ _did he have enough space,_ and how _there really_ _isn't room for two -_ as Dean was picking dejectedly at his pastry.

"I know Lis, but I've told you - there's the money and there's-"

"Dean-o!" They were interrupted by a familiar overly happy tone.

Dean turned around. "Hey Gabe." He greeted, grateful for the distraction. "This is my girlfriend, Lisa. Lisa, this is Gabe."

"Wow - you weren't kidding about not swinging that way, huh?" Gabe said, smiling at Lisa around the stick of a lollipop.

"Sorry?" Lisa asked, a confused smile on her lips.

"Gabe was hitting on me the other night." Dean explained, laughing.

"Ah," Lisa chuckled awkwardly. "Yep, Dean here's as straight as they come - right, Dean?"

"That's, ah, that's me." Dean agreed bringing a hand up to rub the back of his neck . "What're you doing here?"

Gabriel held up his two to-go coffee cups. "Cassie gets grouchy without his morning coffee. Today he seems even more tired than normal."

"Yeah that may have been partially my fault." Dean chuckled.

Gabe raised an eyebrow. "You were with my bro last night? Wait, actually, I do not wanna know. I've learned my lesson there."

"Wait, no, that's not what I- I didn't mean..." Dean flushed.

"Dude, calm down, I was kidding." Gabe said, laughing.

Dean scowled and looked down at his half-eaten pastry.

Lisa cleared her throat. "Well Gabe, it was nice to meet you, but I'd better get going." She got to her feet. "Dean, call me later, okay?"

He nodded and kissed her chastely. "Sure thing, babe." He said, but she was already half way out the door.

He sighed and looked at Gabe. "You're still here?" He asked drily.

Gabriel laughed and sat down in the seat Lisa had left. "You won't get rid of me that easy." He said, inspecting Lisa's half finished croissant, before shrugging and taking a bite.

Dean gave him a 'really, dude?' look. "Don't you have to get that coffee to your brother?" 

Gabe shrugged, before stuffing the rest of the croissant into his mouth, and standing. "I guess so. Not that I want to - he's acting like he hates me." He picked up the two coffee cups, before almost spilling them in a manic hand gesture. "Hey! You should come with!"

"You really sold it - what with 'my brother's a grumpy asshole'." Dean snorted.

Gabe rolled his eyes. "Apparently you've met him - you can make your own judgement. Now you comin' or not?"

"Is he gonna mind?" Dean asked, cautiously.

The other man shrugged. "I'm guessing he'll be happy with any distraction from me, right now."

He sighed. “Sure, I don't see why not." Dean nodded and got up to pay.

 

"Well, it only took you an hour to get coffee. I was worried you had gotten lost for a while at around the forty minute mark." Castiel said, not looking up from the box he was currently rummaging through. "Well, maybe worried is too strong a word."

This was the first time Dean had actually been in Cas’ room, he realised. They layout was similar to his own – but a little more personalised; some CDs Dean had never heard of in a bookcase, a little more clutter since Cas was only just moving in. The room smelled faintly, but not unpleasantly, of cigarettes, as well as what Dean could only place as freshly cleaned sheets, and something distinctly Castiel – that he apparently could identify already.

"Alright, alright Mr Sass-pants. Cool it." Gabe replied, putting the coffees down on the nightstand. "I also brought company."

Castiel's head snapped around, eyes locking on the two. "Dean." He said, surprised. "I... I didn't expect you to be coming."

Dean chuckled. "I know, uh, Gabe kinda invited me. I hope that's okay." He rubbed the back of his neck self-consciously.

Cas shrugged. "Sure, I don't mind." He stood up and turned towards the door. "I could probably use a break from unpacking anyway, since Gabe wasn't helping at all."

"Hey!" Gabe squawked indignantly. "I helped!"

"You put one book in the bookcase, and spread my shirts all over the room, Gabe - that's not helping."

Gabriel just shrugged and flopped onto Cas' bed. "Whatever - it's not like you helped me unpack."

"You're the one who offered!" Castiel argued, moving to pick up his coffee. "And this coffee is tepid at best." He screwed up his face, but still downed half the coffee. "Ugh. I miss Angelo's; it was much better." He muttered.

"Angelo's?" Dean questioned.

Castiel looked surprised - like he hadn't expected anyone else to hear him, but answered anyway. "Yeah, Angelo's. It was this quaint little cafe back in Detroit - it had the best coffee I've ever tasted." A small frown graced his lips before he covered it by drinking the rest of his coffee.

"Ah, Angelo's." Gabe sighed nostalgically from the bed.

"So you guys are from Detroit?" Dean asked, walking over to the desk to idly look at some pictures there.

"Originally, no - that would be Chicago. But we were in Detroit last." Cas said, walking over to Dean and gathering up the pictures, before putting them into one of his desk drawers.

The only one Dean had seen was of a younger Castiel, grinning beside a short, amazingly beautiful redhead, and a an older boy with short black hair. They were standing in front of a huge, stunning house. He wondered why Cas had put the photos away so quickly, but guessed they were just not supposed to be seen by acquaintances – which was fair enough.

Cas slammed the drawer shut and turned to Gabriel. “Since you’re here, and I don’t trust you alone in my room, would you go down to the store and grab me a drink?”

Gabe groaned. “Do I have to? Why don’t you make Dean do it?”

Cas glanced at Dean. “Gabe don’t be an ass.” He hit his brother lightly on the leg.

“Fine!” The other man sighed deeply and stood up. “But you owe me.”

Gabriel left, leaving Dean and Cas to chat, until he came back.

 

A little while later, Dean felt his phone buzz in his jeans pocket. He had to dig around a bit before he could pull it out and check who’d messaged him.

 **[From: Charlie, Saturday 5:53PM]**  
_The play sucked. Me n Dor are coming over for movie night. Will bring snacks._

Dean sighed and put his phone on the desk beside him. “I should get back. My friends Charlie and Dorothy are coming over for a movie night. You guys are welcome to join – if you want.”

Gabriel shook his head. “I gotta go pick up Kali soon.” He stood up. “You kids behave now.” He said, opening the door. “No funny business.”

At that, Gabe was cut off as Castiel kicked the door shut in his face.

He sighed. “Thank god. I thought I would have to physically carry him out. Thought it wouldn’t be the first time.” Cas grinned.

“I’m not surprised, but I am intrigued.” Dean laughed. “So, you stayin’ for movie night, Cas?”

“Sure.” Castiel replied. “I just gotta make a call, I’ll be over in a minute.” He fished his cell phone from his pocket and gestured for Dean to go.

He walked across the hall to his own room, before realising that he’d locked his keys inside. He groaned, and turned to go back and tell Cas, stopping just outside his door to let the other man finish his phone call with some privacy.

It wasn’t his fault that the walls were thin.

“Yeah, look Bal, I’m just not feelin’ it tonight – okay? We can go during the week sometime. Yeah. I know. Yep. I’m sorry. Okay, bye.”

Dean waits a beat before reentering the room – finding Castiel by the window, pulling a cigarette out of the packet procured from his jeans pocket. He observed it for a few moments; seemingly weighing it up.

Finally Dean cleared his throat, making the other man flinch, and toss the cigarettes on his desk. “Sorry,” Dean began, awkwardly. “I uh, locked myself out of my room.”

Cas laughed. “Congratulations. I’m the one who’s new to this here.” He teased. “Can you get back in?”

Dean shrugged. “Charlie has a spare key, but it’ll be back at her place.” He said. “If I text her now, there might be time to-“

He was cut off by a loud knock outside, followed by Charlie calling, “Deeaan?”

Dean sighed. “Too late.”

“We could do it in here.” Cas huffed at the double-entendre and then winked at Dean.

Luckily he turned to pick his cell phone up and missed the flush that coloured Dean’s cheeks. He pocketed the phone and turned back around. “What’d’ya say?” He raised an eyebrow, his piercing, azure gaze boring into Dean and momentarily removing his ability to speak.

Dean couldn’t even say for sure what it was about Castiel that was so… captivating, and distracting, yet made Dean forget who he was or how to be a human. Whatever it was, he wanted not to like it, but he just couldn’t quite bring himself to. In fact, Dean hadn’t felt anything similar to it, except- except…

“Dean?” Cas was snapping his fingers in front of Dean’s face, a concerned frown on his face.

“Oh? Uh, yeah - sure. Sorry, zoned out there for a minute.”

Castiel snorted. “I noticed.”

Dean shook his head distractedly, and smiled – before walking out of Cas’ door.

“Hey Char.” Dean greeted. “Dor.”

Charlie had a little, puzzled frown on her lips, and she was looking between Dean’s and Castiel’s room. “Did you move? Or am I just getting early-onset dementia?”

Dean laughed. “Neither. We’re uh, we’re relocating for movie night if you don’t mind. Cas offered his room ‘cos I’m an idiot who locked himself out.”  
“Cas?” Charlie asked, confused.

“Right, uh, Castiel.” The man in question appeared at the open door. “Castiel – Charlie and Dorothy. Charlie and Dor – Castiel.” He introduced, the other three smiling politely at each other. “He just moved in here.” Dean explained.

Charlie shrugged. “As long as we’ve got a place to watch _The Winter Soldier_ , I’m happy.” She smiled.

“Ditto.” Dorothy agreed, following Cas and Charlie into the room. Dean followed after, closing the door behind him. Charlie was already spreading the contents of her grocery bags out over Cas’ bed – the contents being what looked like ten pounds of snacks.

Castiel eyed them appreciatively. “If you guys bring this amount of food every time you come watch a movie – you’re welcome whenever you want.” He chuckled, sifting through the snacks.

“We ordered pizza too – but we’ll have to listen out for them knocking at Dean’s.” Dorothy said, perching on the chair at Castiel’s desk. “We didn’t know we’d have a plus-one, but Charlie always orders more than enough for a small army.”

“So – did I hear we were watching Captain America?” Cas asked, grabbing the remote on his bed. “Because it is way too long since I’ve seen Evans’ ass in spandex.” He and Dor laughed, being the only two in the room who could possibly express that sentiment.

Dean was slightly surprised that Castiel had said that out loud – it just wasn’t the sort of thing that Dean would say out loud. Not that he’d even thought about Chris Evans’ ass at any length; that would be ridicu-  
“Dean, you good with that?” Charlie asked, poking his leg.

“Sorry, what?”

“I said, you good with starting with _The First Avenger_ and working our way through the rest?” Charlie repeated, slightly exasperated.

“Sure, yeah.” Dean replied. “Hey, Cas, is it cool if I use your bathroom?” He asked, standing.

“Of course.” Castiel replied, absorbed in finding the film.

“Thanks.” Dean muttered, opening the door to the en-suite.

As Dean washed his hands, he noticed a little jar of product by the sink. It sparked something in his memory, and it took him until he was drying his hands to remember that it was a tattoo cream. The reason Dean knew about it wasn’t that he’d gotten a tattoo – but he had thought about it, and done extensive research before chickening out.

Curiosity piqued, Dean picked up the jar to make sure – and sure enough it said on it that it was for tattoo aftercare.

He idly wondered what tattoo – or tattoos – Cas had.

Dean returned to the room, where the movie had been set up,and the seating had apparently already been arranged – the only space for Dean was between Charlie and Cas on the bed. He sat on the somewhat crowded bed, and leaned back against the wall, knees knocking with Castiel’s.

 

The food had arrived near the start of the movie – and was now all but finished, as the group had just finished the second Avengers movie.

“I know I was just fanboying over Steve’s glutes,” Cas broke the comfortable silence. “But I gotta say, Black Widow…” He let out a low whistle.

Charlie laughed and high-fived him. “Couldn’t agree more.”

“Hey!” Dorothy mock-protested, hitting her girlfriend softly on the arm. “I’m right here.” She pouted.

“Sorry babe.” Charlie giggled. “You know I love you more than Scarlett Johansen.”

“Well, you say that…” Dor teased.

Castiel let out a soft “ohh” of realisation, before he settled into a small smile. This didn’t escape Dorothy’s attention.

“What?” She asked.

“Nothing, I just didn’t realise you two were a thing.” He said, pointing between them. He let out a self-deprecating chuckle. “To be honest I thought that you were with Dean.” He nodded at Charlie.

Charlie snorted. “Don’t tell Lisa that – she’ll try to rip off my head. Again.” She mumbled the last part darkly.

“Lisa?” Cas asked.

“Dean’s girlfriend.” Dorothy explained. “Char’s not her biggest fan.”

“Ah.” Cas said – frowning – before he settled back against the wall, picking up the remote.

“What about you, Castiel, you got a special someone?” Charlie poked his side.

He began to shake his head before he stopped himself, saying instead, “its complicated.”

Charlie nodded in understanding. “We’ve all been there.”

Nothing more was said, and the next movie played one, but Dean couldn’t help but sense that some tension had appeared that hadn't been there before.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another chapter so soon? That's not like me. Yeah, if anyone's even actually following this at this point, don't expect chapters updated quite this frequently, I just don't like having one chapter on its own.  
> Enjoy!  
> -B


	3. Chapter 3

Dean had acquired Castiel’s number at movie night, but their text thread was still non-existent. Today was Wednesday, and Dean was working the afternoon shift at Crowley’s Croissants when the bell above the door chimed. He glanced up; the shop had been quiet all day, and Dean was getting a little bored – having resorted to cleaning out the fancy coffee machine for the third time that day.

Entering the shop was two men – and Dean almost did a double-take when he realised that one of them was Castiel, accompanied by a man just a little shorter than him, wearing a ridiculously deep v-neck.

Castiel’s eyebrows raised in surprised when he noticed Dean. “Dean,” He said. “I didn’t know you worked here.”

Dean shrugged. “Never came up, I guess.” He smiled. “What can I get ya?”

“Uh, we’ll have two black coffees to-go, please.” Cas said, earning a small frown from his companion.

“I thought you were taking me out to lunch, Cassie.” He grumbled, while Dean’s back was turned.

“Well can’t you wait for another half hour? I saw a French café that looked nice down the street.” Cas whispered. Dean assumed that the two thought that they weren’t being overheard, they were talking pretty loudly.

“But why not stay here? Besides, French food is just _food_ for me, it’s boring, Cassie.”

“Just-“ Cas began, before Dean turned around with their drinks, and he promptly shut up.

“There ya go,” Dean said, trying to smile like he hadn’t just overheard their conversation, and handing over the coffees. “That’ll be six bucks.”

Cas dug around in his leather jacket before producing some crumpled notes. He smiled sheepishly. “Thanks, Dean.”

“No problem, Cas.” Dean smiled, leaning on the counter. He chuckled, “Hey, I thought Gabe was the only one who called you Cassie.”

Cas started to smile, before his face fell slightly as he realised that Dean must have heard their hushed conversation. “Uh,” He began. “Yeah, well, I must have miscounted.” Cas mumbled, throwing an apologetic look towards Dean. “I’ll see you later, Dean.” He said, an unreadable look on his face. “Come on, Balthazar.”

The two walked out of the shop, and Dean couldn’t help but feel like he’d just been a part of the most awkward encounter in history. He watched the two, through the floor length windows at the front of the shop, and saw Balthazar wrap an arm around Castiel’s shoulders, just as they went out of sight.  
Dean shook himself out of his trance as another customer entered – which was what must have been only the fifth or sixth since Dean’s shift started.

He put in his customer smile. “What can I get you?” He asked, cheerfully, to the little old lady behind the counter.

 

When Dean got home that evening, he had the fleeting thought that maybe fate was real, and that he was fated to continue having awkward encounters, as he spotted Balthazar leaving his building. He looked sad and irritated, as he stormed out of the double-doors. There was a spark of recognition as the two passed, and they exchanged awkward smiles.

Dean made his way upstairs, and found Cas’ door open. He was throwing about clothes inside, and Dean was about to just shut himself away in his own room, maybe watch some TV, when he noticed Cas crouched by his dresser. That wasn’t the interesting part, though, as Castiel was shirtless.

Dean only caught a glimpse of what looked like a magnificent pair of dark wings tattooed across the other man’s back, before Cas roughly pulled on a black t-shirt, followed by his leather jacket. Dean tore his eyes away from Cas, just in time for the other man to stand and spot him.

“Going out?” Dean asked, as Cas pulled on some beaten up Chucks.

Castiel nodded, and walked over to Dean.

He took a breath. “Dean,” He said. “I’m sorry about earlier.” His eyes met Dean’s, effectively locking him in place. “Look, I know how that must’ve sounded, but honestly… It wasn’t what it sounded like.” He winced slightly at his own bad reasoning.

Dean shrugged, breaking eye contact to look at the wall behind Cas. “’S cool, dude.”

“Really, I am sorry.” Cas said earnestly, placing a hand on Dean’s shoulder. “Here, come with me – we’ll have fun - I’ll make it up to you.” His eyes were pleading when Dean looked back at him.

“Where are you going?”

“There’s this bar a few blocks away, they do karaoke, but it’s not like, shitty pop music – y’know?” Castiel explained, excitement in his eyes.

Dean huffed a laugh. “Yeah, not so much my scene, buddy.” He said, starting to turn away.

“Please, Dean.” Cas urged. “You’ll like it, I promise. And if you don’t, you can…” He paused to think. “Slap me in the face.” He decided. “If you don’t have fun, you can slap me in the face.”

Dean snorted. “I’m notgonna slap you, Cas.” He sighed. “But since you’re so persistent… Fine. I’ll come. Just give me five minutes to get ready, okay?”

Cas looked relieved, his hand finally dropping from Dean’s shoulder. He nodded, “Okay. Good. I’ll wait for you downstairs.”

With that, Cas turned and started down the corridor, and Dean watched him fish a pack of cigarettes out of is coat before he turned into the stairwell.

Dean sighed, shaking his head, before going inside to get changed.

  
The bar was nothing like any of the few karaoke bars Dean had been to before. It was dark, with a 90’s style disco ball which looked like it was about to fall from the ceiling above an overcrowded dance floor, and flashing pink and purple lights overhead. The stage up the back housed a band that looked more like vampires than anything else Dean could think of, and the walls were covered in peeling posters and flyers.

Upon entering, Cas grinned, seeming to relax beside Dean. “Come on,” He said, leaning into Dean so he could be heard over the noise.

Dean hesitated, before he felt Castiel’s hand on his lower back, guiding him through the masses over to the bar. Surprisingly, Dean found himself leaning into the touch. He was so out of his element here that it served as a kind of anchor to Cas – who seemed perfectly at home here.

They made it to the bar and Cas ordered them two beers. He turned to Dean. “The karaoke starts in ten minutes. You gonna sign up?” He asked, grinning teasingly.

Dean rolled his eyes, “You have more chance of me changing my major to interpretive dance.”

Cas laughed loudly, throwing his head back. “Alright, alright – I get the message.” He said. “Hey, would you go grab us those seats?” He pointed to a small table near the stage, but far enough away that conversation might actually be possible. “I’ll be over in a minute.”

Dean nodded and headed over to the table, sitting in the (surprisingly, very comfortable) chair farthest from the stage. He watched as Cas wandered over to the other end of the bar, writing something down on a piece of paper, before picking up their drinks and making his way towards Dean.

“Hey.” He said, sliding one of the glasses to Dean.

“Hey.” Dean smiled, taking a sip of beer. Maybe tonight wouldn’t be as terrible as Dean had originally suspected.

The karaoke started after a few minutes of casual conversation, and although some of it was bad – as it had to be with any karaoke – some of the acts were actually pretty good,and even the terrible ones Dean and Cas laughed at; which was fun too.

Cas seemed to be watching the guy by the stage who was in charge of the band, and about an hour in, he seemed to see what he was looking for.  
He stood up and placed a hand on Dean’s shoulder, grinning as Dean looked at him curiously. He walked up to the stage and Dean realised that Cas must have signed up to do karaoke.

Dean watched as the other man hopped up onto the stage gracefully, and took the microphone from its stand. He tapped it a few times to check it was working, before speaking into it. “Hey everyone – I’m gonna be singing Swearin’, Watered Down.”

Dean cheered along with the crowd, as the band started to play.

And holy crap, Cas could sing. Every note wasn’t perfect, it wasn’t like listening to, for example, Lisa – because she’d had lessons – but it somehow had more of Cas in it, and that made it better.

Dean found himself nodding along before the song ended, and Cas grinned, and hopped down off the stage, sauntering back to Dean. “Dude! That was awesome.” Dean grinned as his friend sat back down.

Cas shrugged, taking a long drink of his beer. “It was nothin’. Didn’t even have my guitar.”

“You play? So do I!”  
Cas’ eyes lit up. “You have a guitar?”

Dean nodded. “Had it since I was twelve.”

“Do you think I could have a shot of it? Y’know at some point.” Dean might even say that Cas sounded shy.

“Of course, Cas.” Dean smiled softly. “But you should know that if you hurt her, I’ll hurt you.”

Cas chuckled. “Got it.”

 

By the time they left, they were both pleasantly drunk. When Dean walked out of the front door, into the cool, fresh air, he found that he wasn’t entirely in control of his feet, as he veered into Cas beside him. He didn’t seem to mind, though, as he just wrapped an arm around Dean’s shoulders, effectively steadying them both.

“So.” Cas said. “Did I surpass your expectations? Or should I expect to be waking up and getting slapped tomorrow?”

“Told ya, Cas, I wouldn’t hit you.” Dean frowned. “But yeah – I had a good time tonight.”

“Good.” Cas sighed contentedly, giving Dean’s shoulders a gentle squeeze.

After a few minutes of walking in companionable silence, Dean spoke. “Cas?”

“Mm?”

“Where ‘re we goin?”

“Back to our dorms.” Cas said, like it was obvious.

“Oh, okay.” Dean said. “It’s just that – they’re the opposite direction.”

Cas stopped walking, making Dean stumble ahead of them, but Cas grabbed onto his arm, pulling him back into Castiel’s chest.

He was looking around, like he couldn’t quite believe what Dean was saying, while holding Dean to his side. “Ah.” He said finally, before sighing. “Perhaps you should lead the way.” He said dejectedly.

“Don’t feel too bad, Cas. I got lost at least thirty times when I first moved here.”

Cas frowned. “’Was trying to be gentlemanly.” He mumbled.

“I’m sure you can make it up to me.” Dean replied.

He heard Cas swallow, and watched as his eyes flicked down to Dean’s lips, staying for just a second before returning to his eyes.

It took that long for Dean to realise what he had implied, and when he did his heart suddenly kicked into action, beating wildly against his chest – as he realised that he had started to lean in, and that he was currently being held in Cas’ arms.

He inhaled sharply and pulled away, not missing the momentary surprise on Cas’ face – before it was schooled into impassiveness. Dean nodded in the direction they came. “Come on then, it’s getting late.” He said, turning and only stumbling slightly before righting himself.

The walk back was quiet, and took three times as long as it should have because of Castiel’s diversion and both of their inebriated states.

When they got back to their respective doors, they both said a hurried goodbye, and as they turned, Dean saw something that unreadable, but sad, flicker in Cas’ gaze – eyes piercing and cobalt in the low light – before he disappeared into his room.

Dean flopped down face first onto his bed, groaning. “What the fuck was that?” He asked the empty room. “Girlfriend, girlfriend, _girlfriend_.” He mumbled into the covers.

He removed his phone from his pocket and brought up Charlie’s contact.

 **[To: Charlie, Wednesday, 1:14AM]**  
_remember to punch me in the fucking face the next time you see me._

With that, he drifted off to sleep – still fully clothed and on top of the covers.

  
The next morning Dean felt like he had been dragged through hell. He had the morning shift at the coffee shop – so when his alarm went off at seven AM, he actually did want to slap Cas for dragging him out last night. Except he was aware that he’d enjoyed himself; right up until that moment he’d possibly fucked things up – as usual.

With that thought in mind, he sighed and reluctantly got ready for work – doing a fairly terrible job of taming his sleep-mussed hair, and not even bothering to shave.

 

The two managed to avoid each other entirely for the rest of the week. It was now Saturday, one of Dean’s days off, and he was in the middle of grocery shopping at six in the evening, when he felt his phone buzz with a text.

 **[From: Charlie, Saturday, 6:07PM]**  
_We’re bringing our asses over for movie night. Be there in five._

Dean sighed and typed out a reply.

 **[To: Charlie, Saturday, 6:10PM]**  
_Im at the store. Ur gonna have to wait for 10 mins_

A few minutes later, Dean got another text, just as he was picking up some popcorn.

 **[From: Charlie, Saturday, 6:12PM]**  
_There’s no rush, we’re hanging out at Castiel’s._

Dean frowned down at his phone, before carrying on walking around the store, trying to think of a response. He hadn’t seen Charlie after his text on Wednesday, and had ignored her questioning reply – so didn’t want to explain over text that he and Cas hadn’t really been talking, and why it might be awkward for them. Before he could type a reply, he got another message.

 **[From: Charlie, Saturday, 6:25PM]**  
_You’re taking too long. We’re starting Iron Man 1 without you._

 **[To: Charlie, Saturday, 6:26PM]**  
_ok. Ask Cas if he wants any snacks?_

Dean sighed and pocketed his phone, picking up a six-pack of beer and placing it in his shopping cart. He got a response from Charlie a few minutes later as he was perusing the fruit and veg isle – definitely not stalling.

 **[From: Charlie, Saturday, 6:29PM]**  
_He says he’s good. Now hurry up and get your ass over here Winchester._

  
When Dean arrived, the others were halfway through the film. He settled down in the same place as last time; between Charlie and Castiel, however this time he was careful to keep a friendly distance from Cas. That did mean that he was kind of leaning on Charlie – which he’s sure Lisa would be even less happy about – but at least Dean knows she’s gay, and with Dorothy, so he can put his mind at ease.

Once the first film had ended, Charlie finally shoved Dean off her, as he had slowly but surely migrated further and further down until he was basically lying on her.

“Get off me, Dean. You’re making me burn up over here.” She complained, shrugging off her sweater.

“I’m going to the restroom,” Cas said, standing. “But feel free to start the next movie without me.”

Once he had left the room, Charlie poked Dean in the side.“Is something going on with you and Castiel?” She asked in a hushed, conspiratorial tone.

“What? No.” Dean scoffed. “Why would you think that?”

Charlie shrugged. “You’ve been avoiding him like he has the plague – and I don’t think you’ve said two words to each other all night.”

“Right,” Dean sighed. “It’s nothing really, it’s just we had a… moment.”

“A moment?” Charlie raised an eyebrow. “What kind of a moment?”

Dean squirmed slightly where he was sitting. “It’s just… We kinda almost kissed.” He admitted.

“Ooooh.” Dorothy deadpanned. “You hear that babe? They almost kissed. I’m on the edge of my seat. Really.”

Charlie giggled, and Dean rolled his eyes. “It’s dumb,whatever. It was kinda intense – and now it’s awkward, I dunno what to say.”

“But Dor, you missed the important part.” Charlie hissed. “If they almost kissed, then Dean wanted to kiss him.”

“Hey now,” Dean said, irritated. “I never said that- I never even implied that I-“

Dean was cut off by Cas walking out of the bathroom. Dean opted for glaring at Charlie since he couldn’t actually say anything now.

“Thanks for waiting for me.” Cas said happily, oblivious to their conversation, as he sat down next to Dean.

“No problem.” Charlie said, before shoving Dean, hard, at Castiel.

“What the hell, Charlie?!” Dean yelled as he pretty much fell into Cas’ lap – making the other man yelp in surprise; which absolutely wasn’t adorable in the slightest.

“You did ask me to punch you, Dean, consider that a mercy.” Charlie said, before pressing play on the remote, initiating the opening credits of Iron Man 2, and leaving Dean to scramble awkwardly up from Castiel’s lap – dedicatedly avoiding eye contact, until he was fully upright. From where he was now sitting, Dean wasn’t actually touching Cas, but he could feel the warmth radiating off of him, and smell the faint scent of smoke on him.

 

By the time the credits of Iron Man 3 were rolling, Charlie was yawning, and Dorothy’s eyelids were starting to droop.

“We should get going.” Dor said, after a particularly long yawn.

Charlie nodded, and stood up. “Yeah. Thanks for having us Castiel.” She bent down and enveloped him in a hug.

Dean grinned and the small, surprised expression on Cas’ face as he hugged her back. “Anytime.” He said.

With that, the girls left.

“Listen, Dean, I’m sorry about-“ Cas started, before he was cut off.

“Don’t worry about it man. It wasn’t entirely your fault anyway. Consider it totally forgotten.” Dean said, stretching.

He missed the relief, which slipped into a crestfallen look on Castiel’s face. Dean got up, and clapped Cas on the shoulder. “I should get going too. I’ll talk to you soon, Cas.”

Cas nodded, and Dean left the other man alone, as he went back to his room and dreaded Charlie and Dor’s interference in he and Cas’ relationship. As in friendship – Dean amended. That’s all it was – friendship.


	4. Chapter 4

“I was _not_ going to kiss him, Char!” Dean exclaimed, in a hushed voice. “And jeez, can we not do this now? I’m waiting for my freaking girlfriend to come back from the restroom.”

“Alright, fine.” Charlie’s tinny voice came through the speakers of Dean’s phone. “Just saying – I ship it.”

Dean groaned and dropped his head against the cool wood of the table. “Char.” He said quietly. “I know that you’ve never liked Lisa, but you can’t just do this! We’re fucking happy together, okay? Not to mention that I’m not even interested in him. In fact – I’m generally not interested in anyone with a dick.”

There was a minute of silence from Charlie before she sighed. “I know. I’m sorry Dean. I just think you deserve better than her.”

“We’re happy.” Dean grunted, effectively ending the conversation, before hanging up, and shoving his phone deep in his pocket.

Lisa chose that moment to appear next to him.

“Ready to go?” He asked her.

“Yep.” She said, picking up her purse.

 

They spent the next two hours shopping – or rather, Lisa was shopping, and Dean was trailing behind her on his phone.

He and Cas had finally started a conversation – it began by Cas asking Dean if there were any good clothing stores nearby, but they were now debating the merits of skirts for men; something Cas seemed unusually passionate about, but that Dean just couldn’t get behind.

**[From: Cas, Saturday, 2:47PM]  
** _T_ _he thrift store im in now has this awesome green tartan kilt, im gonna buy it for you just to prove my point._

**[To: Cas, Saturday, 2:47PM]**  
_Dude, no. you are not buying me a freaking kilt. U know im never gonna wear it right?_

**[From: Cas, Saturday, 2:48PM]**  
_Too late i already bought it. What r u gonna do about it_

“Dean!” Lisa clapped her hands in front of Dean’s face, drawing his attention to her.

“Sorry, what?” Dean asked, blinking himself back into the clothing store they were in.

Lisa sighed. “I asked which of these was nicer.” She was holding two shirts that looked identical to Dean. “Who are you even texting?”

“It’s just Cas.” Dean said dismissively. “That one.” He pointed to the one on the left; it had slightly longer sleeves, maybe?

Lisa huffed. “You’re clearly not enjoying this. Why don’t you just go home and we’ll meet up later for dinner?”

“No, Lis, it’s fine – I’m good.”

“Dean,” She hissed. “I’m about to kick you out of this store if you don’t go already.”

Dean raised his hands in surrender. “Okay, I’m going. I’ll see you later babe.”

Lisa just shook her head as Dean wandered back out of the store. Once he was outside he checked his phone.

**[From: Cas, Saturday, 2:59PM]**  
_Dean?_

**[From: Cas, Saturday, 2:59PM]**  
_You’re not actually mad I bought u a kilt are u?_

Dean smiled and shook his head.

**[To: Cas, Saturday, 3:02PM]**  
_Nah, sorry bout that. Hey, r u still in that store?_

**[From: Cas, Saturday, 3:03PM]**  
_Yeah I am, why?_

Dean pocketed his phone and started walking the block and a half to where he knew Cas was.

 

“You actually bought that fucking kilt.”Dean said, coming up behind Castiel who was browsing the racks of a thrift store.

He startled slightly at Dean’s voice, turning to face him. “Dean! What are you doing here?”

Dean shrugged. “Hanging out with you, if that’s okay. Lisa kinda kicked me out of her shopping trip.”

Cas nodded and turned back to the rack of shirts he had been looking through. “Of course, Dean.” He said, before pulling out a shirt and holding it up against himself. He frowned and turned to Dean. “What do you think of this shirt?”

Dean eyed it up, nodding. “’S nice; brings out your eyes.”

Cas grinned and draped it over his arm to join a few other garments. “Cool.” He said, simply.

“Hey, have you had lunch?” Dean asked, following Castiel through the store.

He shook his head. “Not yet, no.” He frowned at a pair of brown, lace-up boots.

“You wanna grab a bite? There’s this awesome burger place near here.”

“Sounds good.” Cas said, smiling softly at Dean. “Just let me pay for this stuff.”

 

After lunch (and Cas groaning – _groaning_ – at the taste of the handmade burgers, but let’s not even get into that), the pair went back to Dean’s dorm. As soon as they were inside, Cas thrust one of his bags at Dean.  
“Try it on.” He said.

Dean snorted. “What?”

“Try it on.” He insisted, raising an eyebrow.

“Okay! Fine, jeez.” Dean relented, and took it into his bathroom.

It was the kilt, of course, and Dean sighed when he saw it. Reluctantly he took off his comfortable jeans, wondering why he hadn’t just put up with Lisa’s wrath, and continued shopping with her, but slipped the garment on nevertheless. Immediately, Dean groaned – because Cas was actually right; this thing was pretty damn comfortable. His only problem was with how it probably looked. He only had one tiny mirror in his bathroom, so hesitantly he opened the door. As soon as he came into Castiel’s view, the other man froze; eyes slightly wide, and Dean saw his Addams apple bob as he swallowed.

“That bad, huh?” Dean asked, chuckling self-deprecatingly.

Castiel quickly shook his head. “No, I like it.” He said, though his voice was a little hoarse.

Dean turned to look in the full-length mirror behind him, and realised that it actually wasn’t awful. He wouldn’t dream of actually wearing it in public – and if he saw someone else wearing one he’d probably judge the hell out of them – but it actually looked pretty good.

Dean shrugged and turned back to Cas. “Maybe your fashion sense isn’t as bad as I assumed it was.” He teased.

Cas grinned. “You should always trust my fashion sense, Dean.”

 

They ended up watching some stand up comedy show by a guy Dean had never heard of, and at some point, Dean must’ve glanced at Castiel – because he suddenly found himself noticing how when the other man laughed – properly laughed – his face would scrunch up, and he’d throw his head back, and he’d get his glint in his eye that just made him look… Adorable. Kissable. Indescribable. Dean was about to tear his gaze away and look back at the TV, and deeply repress that particular line of thought, when Castiel turned and caught his gaze. He must’ve realised that Dean had been staring, but he didn’t look creeped out; just smiled, small and soft.

Dean liked this side of Cas – the kind that contradicted his spiky, suave exterior. The stare was starting to get unreasonably long, but neither of them seemed willing to look away, so they just sat there and smiled at each other.  
They were rudely disturbed by the ringtone on Dean’s phone, belting out Free Bird – Lisa’s ringtone.

Dean jumped up from where he was sitting and looked at his phone screen. It told him that it was half six – twenty minutes after he was supposed to pick up Lisa for dinner.

His eyes widened. “Shit, shit, shit.”

“What is it?” Cas asked, concerned.

Dean waved him off, before answering his phone.

“Dean? Where the hell are you?” Lisa’s annoyed voice sounded from his phone.

“Lisa, I am so sorry, I totally lost track of time.”

“You’re twenty minutes late, Dean. What are you even doing?”

“I’m just in my dorm, Lis, I’m sorry – I’ll make it up to you.” Dean started to run a distressed hand through his hair, making it stick up at odd angles.

“Whatever, Dean.” With that, Lisa hung up – leaving Dean with only the man he was just gazing fondly at a few minutes prior.

“Fuuuck.” Dean groaned, crawling onto his bed and burying his head in a pillow.

“Dean?” Cas asked, hesitantly. “Are you alright?”

Dean nodded slowly into his pillow. “Yeah, it’ll be fine. I’m just an asshole.” He lifted his head, and turned to Cas. “I’m sorry, I’ve gotta go.” He said apologetically.

Castiel nodded. “Of course, Dean. I’ll leave.” As he reached the door, he turned quickly and added. “I’m sorry.” He said, sincerely.

Dean wasn’t sure what he was apologising for, but assumed it had something to do with the staring, and possibly being so damn attractive.

Dean groaned again, before standing and changing out of his fucking kilt.

 

Half an hour later, Dean was outside Lisa’s apartment, holding a bunch of flowers and some of her favourite chocolates.

He rang the doorbell and waited anxiously, shifting his weight from one foot to the other.

Eventually his girlfriend opened the door – it looked like she had been crying.

“Fuck, Lis – I’m so sorry,” Dean started, but Lisa held up a hand to stop him.

“Just, come in.” She said, walking inside and leaving the door open for Dean to follow. He did, closing the door behind him and praying that he could make this better.

Lisa was sitting on the couch in the living room, nursing a glass of red wine. “Look, Dean.” She began, staring resolutely at the coffee table. “I- I’m sorry,” Her voice started to waver, and Dean felt his throat constrict. “But this just isn’t something that a bunch of flowers, and a box of chocolates can fix.” She continued.

“Lisa,” Dean started, sitting down next to her on the couch. "Please.” He pleaded, quietly.

Lisa sniffed, and brought a hand up to wipe away a tear escaping from her glassy eyes. She shook her head. “Dean, either you’re going to have to make some big changes – or I can’t keep doing this. Can you do that? Can you change for me? Genuinely.”

Dean looked away, thinking, for just a second – but apparently that was all Lisa needed.

She nodded. “That’s what I thought.” She whispered. “I’m sorry Dean, but I don’t think this is making either of us very happy anymore.”

Dean looked back at her. “Lis,” He started, voice cracking. “I don’t know what to do without you. Why are you doing this?”

Lisa looked down. “I wasn’t planning to.” She said, quietly. “Not before today – I was willing to keep trying.”

“I forgot about it, Lisa! Anyone could make a mistake like that!” Dean exclaimed.

She shook her head. “It’s not just that. I overheard you on the phone to Charlie earlier.” She admitted. “You said you we’re going to kiss that Castiel guy.” She said, as another tear slipped down her cheek.

“What?!” Dean shouted. “Lis, come on, I was saying that I wasn’t gonna kiss him!” He said, before adding, softly, pleading, “I wasn’t.”

Lisa shook her head sadly. “You know I’ve never liked Charlie. But I do know that she knows you, Dean. She knows you better than you know yourself.” She laughed darkly. “She knows you better than I know you. Besides – you were with him, weren’t you? Before you came here.”

Dean nodded, slowly. “Lisa, that doesn’t mean anything.” He said, becoming desperate. “I’m straight – _you know I’m straight_ , I’m with you!” He yelled.

Lisa smiled brokenly. “Dean, I think you should go.” She whispered.

Dean shook his head, swallowing back tears. “No.” He whispered. “No.”

Lisa bent over to kiss him on the cheek, where a tear had fallen, before standing and walking to the door. “I’m sorry.” She said softly, opening it.

She waited there until Dean stood up, legs unsteady, and walked out into the cold hallway. He heard the door click shut behind him, and Lisa lock it.

He took a deep breath and walked outside, before kicking the wall outside and yelling “fuck!” To the world at large.

 

It took half a bottle of scotch and over an hour of wallowing in his sadness and self pity until Dean thought, “fuck it”, and dragged himself out of bed and over to Cas’ door. He was the one who could provide comfort, Dean decided, as he knocked on the cold wood.

After about a minute, the door was thrown open, revealing an annoyed looking Castiel – hair mussed like somebody had been running their hands through it (more so than usual), lips pink and swollen, and the fly of his jeans undone. Behind him, Dean saw who he recognised as Balthazar, spread out shirtless on Cas’ bed. Dean blinked a few times as his heart twisted unpleasantly, and Cas’ eyes widened in surprise, his mouth opening slightly.

 


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I changed the formatting a bit so that I could add in some Cas POV, nothing drastic just so it's more obvious when it switches.   
> Enjoy!  
> -B

“Oh.” Dean said numbly. “Sorry, I didn’t realise you’d be…” He mumbled, his feet already carrying him unsteadily backwards down the hall.

“Dean, wait!” Cas called after him, but Dean was already walking quickly away.

He heard Balthazar’s muffled voice asking, “Who was that?”

And Castiel saying, “Fuck, just… Stay there, Bal.”

Dean was outside, already halfway down the block – not stupid enough to drive his Baby while he was drunk, despite really, _really_ wanting to put miles of road between himself and Lisa, and Castiel and _Balthazar_.

“Dean!” A voice called from behind him. Dean looked over his shoulder, seeing Cas walking briskly after him with bare feet.

Dean rolled his eyes. “Cas, go back to Balthazar.”

“No.” Cas replied indignantly, crossing his arms as he neared Dean.

“Cas, I’m really not in the mood. Just… leave me alone.” Dean muttered.

“What happened Dean? Are you okay?” Cas said, ignoring him. When Dean didn’t answer, he added softly, “I need to know you’re okay, Dean.”

The other man’s eyes were caring and gentle and they made Dean want to turn and run until his legs couldn’t carry him any further and his lungs were screaming for air. That, or punch something. He didn’t do either, though, instead he shook his head and sniffed, looking up into the dark sky. “I’m fine, Cas.” He said in a controlled voice. “Don’t worry about it.” Dean blinked away the last of any tears threatening to spill before he looked at Cas. “Really.” He added, smiling tightly. “I’m sorry for interrupting your night.”

Cas looked like he wasn’t sure if he believed him or not, and his eyes still had that annoying caring look in them that was starting to make Dean want to crawl into Cas’ arms and just be held – but he couldn’t do that because he was pretty sure Cas would let him; he would hold him and not say a word. But he was with Balthazar, apparently, and Dean just had to be alone right now.

That as okay; he’d been alone before. He could do it.

He felt tears resurface, unbidden, so he turned. “Goodnight, Cas.” He said softly, before he walked away down the street.

 

* * *

 

 

Cas stood, frozen in the streetlights. He couldn’t go after Dean because he’d just tell him to leave again. Dean didn’t want Castiel. So instead, Cas shoved his hand in his pocket, looking for his phone – before he realised he’d left it up in his room.  
Fuck, Balthazar was gonna be pissed.

Thankfully, his packet of cigarettes and lighter were still in his pocket. He took one out and lit it, taking a long drag.

Things weren’t this complicated before he met Dean, were they? Castiel didn’t think so, anyway. He slowly made his way back to the front door of his building, drawing out the walk there so he could smoke, and think. Okay, he did less of the latter – but it was an excuse not to go back to Balthazar.

The only reason he’d called him in the first place was because Lisa had had to go and remind Dean and Castiel that they were in a relationship, and bring Dean to his senses. So Cas was lonely and horny – sue him for calling his on-again-off-again fuck buddy to keep him company.

Of-fucking-course Dean had had to come back – just as things we heating up – clearly upset, and drunk, and looking for Cas; only to see him with another man.

He finally took a final drag of his cigarette and dropped it on the sidewalk, crushing it under his bare foot, and made his way back upstairs.

Balthazar was in the process of putting his coat on when Castiel reentered.

“Did you find lover-boy?” He asked spitefully.

Cas nodded. “Don’t call him that, he’s a friend.” He said, sitting on the edge of his bed and retrieving his phone from the floor where it had been dropped.

“I think I’ll go.” Balthazar said, crossing his arms hautily.

“Right,” Cas said, looking up from his phone. “Sorry, Bal.”

He sighed. “I’ll get over it.” As he was leaving he added, “I knew from the moment I saw you two he’d mean trouble.” And then left.

Cas brought up Charlie’s contact, and sent her a text.

 **[To: Charlie Bradbury, Saturday, 10:24PM]**  
_Hey, i don’t mean to worry u or anything, but maybe check if dean’s okay? wont talk to me. thanks._

He then texted Dean, for good measure, and because he needed something to do to feel useful after fucking everything else up.

**[To: Dean, Saturday, 10:25PM]**  
_Bal left. I hope you’re okay._

A few minutes of fidgeting later, Castiel’s phone buzzed in his hand. He jumped and unlocked it, hoping that Dean had replied.

 **[From: Charlie Bradbury, Saturday, 10:29PM]**  
_Is he okay? What happened?_

Castiel was slightly disappointed that it hadn’t been Dean, but replied quickly.

 **[To: Charlie Bradbury, Saturday, 10:30PM]**  
_not sure, might have something to do with lisa_

With nothing more to do, Castiel decided to occupy himself with going out. He fixed his hair from being messed up by Balthazar, and reapplied some eyeliner – putting on some shoes and his jacket before leaving.

 

* * *

 

 

Dean was lonely. As he wandered the streets, he felt more and more isolated. Castiel was with Balthazar, Charlie and Dor were going on a date night tonight, Sammy was two-thousand miles away in Stanford, Benny would be out partying. There was nobody else he wanted to spend the evening with. He supposed there was Gabriel, but he seemed like he would be terrible in a situation like this – so Dean disregarded that thought pretty quickly.

Dean wanted to be with Cas. He could make Dean feel better – he could always make him laugh, and just being near him gave Dean this light, happy feeling somewhere deep in his chest. He didn’t know what that meant, but he decided he was allowed a night off from psychoanalysing, considering the circumstances. But Castiel didn’t want him – Castiel was with Balthazar. Maybe the more times Dean said it, the less it would suck. It wasn’t working so far.

Perhaps Dean could find a substitute. He’d never seen anyone as beautiful as Castiel before, but he remembered that there were some people with a similar style at that karaoke bar Cas had taken him to. Where was that again? Dean thought he remembered – so he started walking there.

He found the place quickly – it turned out to only be a few blocks from where Dean was wandering. Once inside, Dean was reminded of how out of place he felt there. Especially now, without Cas by his side – without the hand guiding him by the small of his back.

The music was too loud, now – the lights too stark. Still, he made his way over to the bar and took a seat. Once he’d got the bartender’s attention, he ordered a beer; drinking it quickly.

There was no karaoke tonight – just the same vampiric-looking band from before, playing live music.

Dean started to look around for someone to talk to. He had situated himself in the back corner of the bar, so he could comfortably look around at the people dancing and talking.

There was a man with dark hair and a lip piecing, but his eyes were the wrong shade of blue, and he wore a sullen frown – exuding none of what Dean liked about Castiel.

There was a girl with eyes more similar to Cas’, and a devilish grin that reminded Dean of the other man; he’d talked to her for a while, but she had a girlfriend anyway, so their conversation didn’t last long.

After some time, Dean realised that he wasn’t going to find Cas – and nobody could be a substitute.

Dean was about to get up and leave, when a man with dirty blond hair slid into the barstool next to him.

“Find what you were looking for?” The man asked, waving over the bartender.

“Sorry, what?” Dean asked, confused, and too drunk to figure out what the man meant.

“I was watching you. You were looking for someone. You find ‘em?” He turned to Dean, and Dean was struck by his icy blue stare. It was like Cas’, but without any of the warmth. It made the hair on the back of Dean’s neck stand up.

“No, I didn’t.” He mumbled.

The man nodded. “The name’s Luke.” He said. “Can I buy you a drink?”

“I was actually just leaving.” Dean said, standing.

“So soon?” Luke asked, standing with Dean – too close for Dean’s comfort. “I didn’t see you come with anyone, can’t you stay for a little longer? We could have some _fun_.” There was a dangerous look in the other man’s eyes, and Dean was pretty sure he looked terrified.

Luke put a hand on Dean’s arm. “Come on, let me buy you a drink.”

Suddenly, Dean felt an arm slide around his waist, and a body press against his side. “He’s here with me.” The voice said coldly. Dean immediately recognised it as Cas, and breathed a small sigh of relief, allowing himself to sag into the other man’s warm body.

“He didn’t _come here_ with _you_.” Luke sneered. “Now why don’t you back off, and let us have some fun, huh?” He took a threatening step forward.

Dean suddenly felt Castiel’s lips at his ear. “Is this man bothering you, Dean?” He whispered.

Dean nodded quickly, and Cas retreated, before calling “Jo!” And waving over the bartender.

“Castiel.” The young woman greeted. “Is there a problem over here?” She asked pointedly to the group as a whole.

Luke made a face, but said nothing. After another second, presumably working out if there was anything else he could try – and if it was worth it, he turned huffily and left.

The tension drained from Dean’s whole body and after a moment Cas loosened his grip. “You okay?”

Dean didn’t reply at first, his head was swimming, and the whole room seemed as if it was starting to tip over. Dean thought he might be on a ship at sea. It felt like he was.

“Dean, are you okay?” Castiel asked more urgently, but it sounded like he was in another room.

“Yer soft, Cas.” Dean said, leaning most of his weight on the other man.

The last thing Dean heard was Castiel’s panicked voice. “Jo… Help us, please.” And then he was gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for the feedback I've been getting so far, you guys are awesome.   
> -B


	6. Chapter 6

Dean woke slowly to the sensation of someone stroking his hair. It was soothing, and made him not care so much about his pounding headache. Eventually though, the headache won over, and Dean began the arduous task of opening his eyes; which felt as if they were being weighed down by cinderblocks. After a small eternity, he finally cracked open his eyelids – causing a blinding, white, light to flood his senses. He groaned and brought an arm up to cover his eyes.

He stayed like this for a few moments before removing his arm again. The light was still incapacitating, but slightly more bearable, and he managed to look out through a slit in his eyelids. He was met with a pair of tired, concerned blue eyes. It took him a moment to place them as Castiel’s.

“Dean?” Cas asked softly – which Dean was thankful of, as even that low volume aggravated the demon currently chipping at his skull.

“Cas?” Dean tried to say, but it came out more like a croaked. “Cah.”

Cas’ smile looked relieved. “Good morning Dean. How are you feeling?”

Dean blinked and began to sit up, but only made it about half way before having to stumble to the bathroom and retch into the toilet.

Once he could sit up properly on the cold linoleum, he noticed Castiel leaning on the doorframe.

“You good?” He asked.

Dean nodded slowly, and began to get to his feet. He managed, leaning on the edge of the sink heavily. “The fuck happened?” He asked. “I don’t remember getting this wasted last night.”

Cas shifted where he was standing, a frown settling on his lips. “You didn't. We think that asshole – Luke – spiked your drink.”

Dean’s eyed widened in shock. “What the fuck?”

Castiel nodded solemnly. “Jo - the bartender - asked a few people around where you were sitting; apparently they saw him put something in your drink.”

“Why didn’t they tell me?!” Dean asked, before groaning at his own volume.

“He’s a regular there, everyone’s scared shitless of him.” Cas answered. “But now they know, Jo’s banned him.”

“Jesus.” Dean grumbled, making his way past Cas back into his bedroom and sitting on the edge, curling the blanket around himself.

“Why does it smell like cigarettes in here?” He asked, before noticing the glass of water on the nightstand.

He picked it up and gulped down half of it as Cas replied. “Ah, sorry. I opened a window – but…” He smiled sheepishly.

Dean shook his head. “It’s cool man, I don’t mind. Did you sleep here?” He asked, rubbing his hand over his eyes.

Cas snorted. “I didn’t sleep, no.”

Dean looked up at the other man in surprise. “You haven’t slept? Why not?!”

Castiel gave him a withering look. “’Cause I had to keep an eye on you, dumbass.”

“You didn’t have to!” Dean exclaimed. “You were- you were with what’s-his-name, Balthazar. Shit I totally ruined your night.” Dean groaned and lay down on the bed, covering his head with a pillow.

“Dean,” Cas sighed, sitting on the bed next to Dean. “You didn’t ruin my night. Bal had already left – don’t worry about it. It was actually a coincidence that we were both in that bar.”

“Thank you for saving me from that creep, Cas.” Dean said, though it was muffled by the pillow over his face.

“Of course.” Castiel sighed, patting Dean’s thigh. “You’re alright?”

“’S just a headache.”

Cas cleared his throat. “Dean?”

Dean grunted in reply.

“What happened yesterday? Before you came to see me.”

Dean sighed and lifted the pillow off his face. “Lisa broke up with me.”

Cas nodded. “I’m sorry.” He said, and lay down on his back beside Dean.

Dean shrugged. “Not your…” Dean paused, realising that it kinda was Cas’ fault – indirectly. But he didn’t need to know that. “…Fault.”

“You deserve better.” Cas said around a yawn.

“Not really.” Dean said.

There was no reply from Cas, and when Dean looked over he realised the other man had fallen asleep. It wasn’t surprising, considering he’d stayed up all night to make sure Dean was okay. And who the hell did that? Now Dean supposed he owed Cas.

He sighed deeply and watched the occasional flutter of Castiel’s eyelashes on his cheeks. Most of his eyeliner had worn off by this point, but still some remained, making him look even more tired than he was.

Dean reached over to brush an errant strand of dark hair from the other man’s face, his hand lingering for just a moment longer than necessary. Cas sort of nuzzled into Dean’s hand, before rolling over and flopping an arm over Dean’s chest.

Dean groaned, but he was still too tired to really change the situation, so he just gave into it; wrapping an arm around Castiel’s shoulders and holding him close.

 

* * *

 

  
When Castiel awoke it took him a few minutes to recall where he was. It wasn’t that he was unused to waking in unfamiliar surroundings, but where he was now; the blue plaid comforter and cream walls seemed familiar – but simultaneously impossible. He couldn’t be waking with his back pressed against a warm body in Dean’s room – that would be ridiculous.

So where was he?

Cas blinked lazily and turned over to see who’s legs were tangled with his; and was instantly awake.

It was Dean’s room.

Had he fallen asleep?

He supposed he must have – he remembered Dean waking after Cas had stayed awake for over thirty eight hours – that did sound like the perfect recipe for accidentally falling asleep in Dean fucking Winchester’s bed.

Cas sighed and carefully detached himself from the man currently wrapping a strong arm around his waist, and sat up. He could see from the small window that it was dusk; which meant that he’d been sleeping for a good ten hours.  
Shit. He thought, as he got up and stretched. Castiel had had plans – but he supposed that sacrificing them for being wrapped in Dean for hours was a decent deal.

He cast a glance back at the man sleeping soundly behind him; the steady rise and fall of his chest and the pout of his slightly open lips, before picking up his jacket and leaving the room, making sure to close the door softly behind him.

 

* * *

 

  
When Dean woke he was alone.

He vividly remembered falling asleep with Cas in his arms, and didn’t for a second doubt that it had been real.

So Castiel had left.

Dean couldn’t quite seem to decide whether he was feeling relief or desperate abandonment, after all, his girlfriend did just dump him. And fuck. Dean thought, dismayed. He had almost forgotten about that. Not only did she leave him, but she apparently left him because of the guy who Dean had fallen asleep with last night. They guy who was no longer here.

Dean’s heart felt a bit like everything had been scooped out of it with a sharp spoon, as he lay there in two-day-old clothes and under a comforter that needed washed. It felt like somebody was sitting on his chest and he was breathing tar.

Dean didn’t cry – he just sat, confused and broken-hearted in the semi-darkness of his room, watching the night sky through his window – and wishing it was a week ago, when Lisa didn’t hate him and Cas was just a friend who was unfairly attractive; as opposed to one that Dean _missed_ after being alone for less than an hour without, and one that caused sharp thorns to cut grooves somewhere deep inside when he was with Balthazar.

Eventually Dean fell into a dissatisfying sleep, only to be woken by his alarm a short time after to get ready for his shift at work.

 

* * *

 

  
Cas went to check on Dean the next morning (morning was a stretch, as his phone told him that it was 11:58AM, but that was still _technically_ morning, Cas insisted), but his knocking was met with silence. Perhaps Dean was still sleeping, or maybe he’d gone to visit Charlie, Castiel thought – with a frown – before turning back to his own room.

He almost texted Dean, but decided better of it after rationalising that he’d just slept in the other man’s arms not twelve hours ago – he didn’t want to come on too strong. Not that he was ‘coming on’ at all; Dean had made it perfectly clear, to Gabe, that he was straight.

Castiel would just have to deal with that like an adult.

Apparently dealing with it like an adult involved calling Balthazar and dragging him out to a bar at six that evening.

They danced, and they drank (too much), and they chatted up strangers.

Balthazar was Castiel’s on-again-off-again fuck buddy, and they were both perfectly happy with it being just that, so they made pretty great wingmen for each other.

By midnight Balthazar had already left with some tall blonde hanging off his arm, and Castiel was sitting forlornly at the bar.

Now that he was on his own, the lights all seemed too bright as they pulsed artificially overhead, and the air was thick and heady. Cas was picking at a piece of the mahogany bar that was peeling away from the countertop. He felt someone slide up beside him.

“Well hey there, handsome. What’s your name?” The voice drawled.

Cas glanced up at the short brunette with a devilish smirk beside him, straightening slightly. “Castiel. How about you, gorgeous?”

“Meg.” She said, extending a slender hand. “Can I buy you a drink, or should we skip the pleasantries and get outta here?”

Cas smirked, already standing. “I’m leaning towards the second option.”

She wasn’t Dean, but he could have Dean. Castiel was good and channeling jealousy into angry lust.

 

* * *

 

  
When Dean got home from work that afternoon, Castiel was nowhere to be seen. Dean hadn’t really expected any different (though he may have hoped), so he let himself into his room and called Charlie. She was there within the hour. Dean discovered that she (and Jo, the bartender, to Dean’s surprise) had helped Cas carry Dean up to his room the other night. She had let them in with her key, and had wanted to stay with Dean and blow off her work at the library the next day, but Cas had insisted _he_ stay. It had taken no small amount of convincing for her to leave, but eventually she had deemed Cas a suitable carer.

Next, it was Dean’s turn to tell his friend what had happened with Lisa.

Charlie’s face fell when he came to the part where Lisa overheard Dean talking to her. “Shit, Dean. I’m sorry.” She said sincerely.

Dean shook his head. “It’s not your fault, Char.” He shrugged. “I was gonna kiss him.”

Charlie’s eyes widened comically. “I thought you were straight?”

Dean shrugged again. “Doesn’t everyone?”

“Not me.” Charlie argued. “I’ve known all my life.” She said. “But yeah, okay, I know what you mean. But… you’re okay with this?” She asked carefully.

Dean paused, chewing on a slice of pepperoni pizza. “I guess. I mean, maybe I always knew as well - deep down. In kindergarten I was totally in love with this other kid called Aaron.” He chuckled. “I just ignored that for the past decade.”

Charlie whistled lowly. “Well, that’ll do it.” She said.

Dean laughed, nodding. “I used to say I was gonna marry him. I actually forgot about that shit ‘till now.”

“So, Cas,” Charlie began, cautiously. “You _like_ him.”

Dean grunted in agreement, frowning before shoving another piece of pizza in his mouth.

“And he _likes_ you.”

Dean shook his head emphatically. “Nah, he has a boyfriend.” He mumbled around his mouthful.

Charlie frowned. “Doesn’t change the fact, he likes you.”

Dean rolled his eyes. “Yes it does, Charlie, because; for one thing, they’re happy together – and two, Cas doesn’t ‘like’ me.” Dean explained, using air quotes and making Charlie roll her eyes.

“Why do you have to be so thick skulled sometimes, Dean?!” She exclaimed. “Of course he likes you!”

“What the fuck would give you that idea?” Dean asked incredulously.

“You don’t see the way he looks at you?” Charlie said, in disbelief.

“ _Ohhh, I see_.” Dean said, voice thick with sarcasm. “He _looks at me_ , so he _has to_ _be_ madly in love with me.”

Charlie scoffed. “You didn’t see him the other night. When he carried you up here, it was like you were the only person in the whole world.” She said, voice suddenly calm and scarily sincere. “He was so scared, Dean. I don’t think he even slept at all while he watched over you.”

Dean looked down guiltily. “He didn’t.” He admitted. “Look Char, I’m tired, can we just drop this? Please.”

Charlie looked as if she wasn’t going to for the entirety of two minutes, before she deflated and nodded. “Fine.” She said. “But you’re getting up to turn on the TV.”

  
Later that night, Chalie had fallen asleep half way through an episode of _Friends_ , and was curled up with one of Dean’s pillows; her legs resting on his lap. Dean was startled by Asia’s _Heat of the Moment_ blaring from his phone. Dean stood up to answer it, already knowing it was Sam. He quietly went outside into the hallway in case he woke up Charlie.

“Sam?” Dean asked, blearily rubbing his eyes.

“Hey Dean!” Sam chirped, too brightly for this time of night.

“Dude, time zones.” Dean groaned into the phone.

“Right. Sorry.” Sam said. “I just wanted to ask if it was alright for me to come down and visit soon. It’s been way too long since I saw you.”

Dean was taken aback – he’d last seen Sam at Christmas, and although they call each other now and then, Sam doesn’t often come and visit out of the blue. “Uh, of course, Sam. When ya thinking?”

“I’ve got a few weeks off work, so I was thinking a week on Saturday?”

“Okay, great.” Dean said. It was Monday (well, technically early Tuesday), which gave him plenty of time to prepare for his brother’s arrival. “I’ll see you then.”

“See ya Dean.” Sam said, before ending the call.

Dean smiled and pocketed his phone, he was glad Sam was visiting – maybe it’d give him something else to think about.

As he turned to go back inside, he heard a commotion in the hall. Turning, he saw a girl with dark brown hair with her legs wrapped around some guy’s waist. Neither of them could see where they were going because they were too engrossed in each other’s lips. Dean rolled his eyes and moved to go back inside before he glint of silver flash on the man’s eyebrow. Dean did a double-take.

It was Cas – arms wrapped around the cute girl, who had already started to take off her shirt.

They were getting closer, and Dean wasn’t a creep, so he retreated quickly back into his room and shut the door, letting his head fall against it with a quiet _thunk._

Charlie stirred from her place curled up on the bed. “Dean?” She asked, yawning. “You okay?”

Dean shook his head and walked over to the bed, crawling over to his friend. “I thought he was with Balthazar.” Dean said, confused. “But I just saw him with some chick across the hall.”

“Who, Castiel?” Charlie asked, rubbing the sleep from her eyes and blinking sleepily.

Dean nodded and collapsed onto his front.

Charlie patted him on the back. “Maybe he’s a cheating asshole.”

“Not helping.” Dean groaned, words muffled by the pillow.

“I know.” Charlie sighed. “Maybe you should just talk to him, Dean.”

Dean shook his head. “I know I should, but we both know that ain’t gonna happen.”

Charlie shrugged, nodding in acquiescence. “That’s true.” She sighed. “Then I guess you’ll just have to suck it up, Winchester.”

 


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for not updating in a little while, I wrote a few chapters, felt super productive, then decided I needed a kinda filler chapter in here and subsequently couldn't write one. Until today! Enjoy,   
> -B

Dean did suck it up. The next day, he invited Castiel to the barbecue Benny had organised a while back, and he accepted.

Dean drove them there, and Castiel fidgeted for the whole ride in the passenger seat of the Impala.

“Dude, what’s up? You haven’t stayed still since we left.” Dean said, after his friend had almost chewed right through his lip.

Cas glanced at Dean from beside him. "I haven't been to a barbecue in a very long time, Dean."

“But you’re awesome at talking to people and shit, and they’ll have burgers, which I know you’ll like. So what are you so worried about?”

Castiel stared at the road ahead as he answered. “When I was young, we used to have a barbecue every summer. It was a very formal affair – people came in suits, Dean, _suits_ ” He seemed to shudder at the thought.

Dean snorted. “Well I can guarantee that there won’t be anyone in a suit there. In fact, we’ll probably be the best dressed if I know Benny’s friends.”

Cas nodded. “I know. They just bring back shitty memories.” He grumbled.

“Hey, then we’ll just have to replace them with better memories.” Dean grinned, patting Cas on the leg, drawing a small smile from the man.

Dean’s assessment of the attire was correct; the weather at this time of year was already shorts weather, at least, and several men were shirtless. The gathering was being held in the backyard of Benny and Dean’s friend Gordon Walker’s house in the outskirts of the city. The yard was set up as it usually was; some garden chairs gathered around a fire pit in the corner, the barbecue set up over by the house, and an old picnic table in the middle. There was a vintage-looking loudspeaker playing shitty country music and Dean couldn't have felt more at home.

When they arrived, Dean introduced Cas to a few people he didn’t really know that well, before he caught sight of Benny.

“Benny!” He grinned, slapping his friend on the back.

Benny smiled and pulled Dean into a hug. “It’s been too long, brother.” He said, pulling away and patting Dean’s shoulder.

“It has.” Dean nodded. “Hey, this is Cas. Cas, Benny.” He introduced.

Castiel smiled, clearly feeling more in his element than before. He extended a hand for Benny to shake. “It’s Castiel, actually.” He said, grinning cheekily at Dean.

Benny took the proffered hand. “Angel of Thursday, huh?” He said thoughtfully.

Cas looked taken aback. “Yes, actually. Not many people know that.”

“He’s not just a pretty face.” Dean teased.

Benny nodded, grinning. “Andrea was big into angels and all that shit a while back.”

“Andrea?” Cas asked.

“My wife.” Benny explained, a gleam of what looked like pride in his eye. “She’s around somewhere, Dean’ll introduce you two if you see her. I’d better start grillin’. See ya brother.” He slapped Dean’s shoulder as he passed, walking over to the barbecue.

“Speaking of food, I think I see a potato salad with my name on it over there.” Dean said, grinning. “I’ll be right back, you want anything?”

Cas shook his head. “I’m good, thanks.” He said, after assessing the half-full cup of beer he’d been handed when he got here. “Could you point me in the direction of the bathroom, though?”

 

* * *

 

Upon leaving the small bathroom to navigate his way back outside, Castiel ran into a woman with dark, curly hair in the hallway.

“You must be Castiel.” She greeted. “Benny told me to look out for you.” Her voice was kind, but her eyes looked mildly devious. "I'm Andrea."

Castiel smiled. “Have I become infamous already?”

Andrea laughed softly and shook her head. “Nothing of the sort. Benny tells me you’re here with Dean?”

He shifted slightly, subconsciously, before answering. “We’re friends, yeah.”

Andrea stepped forward, a knowing look in her eyes. “He’s a good man.” She laid a hand on his shoulder. “You be good to him.” With that she walked off, leaving Cas frowning and confused.

“It’s not…” He began, but too late as Andrea had already disappeared around a corner. Castiel shook his head, trying to shake off her words. He and Dean were only friends.

But something Andrea said struck a chord with Cas, and he couldn’t forget about it even as he went back outside and took a seat beside Dean, accepting a new cup of beer from him.

Because Castiel, admittedly, was kinda fucked up. Sure, he left all of that behind him when he movedhere, but no matter how many miles of land were between them – Cas could never totally separate himself from his past. And Dean, Dean was from a small town, he went to barbecues with friends who laughed and drank, but not so they got shitfaced, like Castiel’s did. Dean had a little brother who he adored – Cas could tell this from the few times he had mentioned his brother. And Dean was just… Good. And Castiel just _wasn’t._

This had never stopped him in the past, but then again, no one had ever been as _good_ as Dean, he thought. He didn’t want to fuck Dean up. It was just another thing to add to the accumulating pile of reasons Cas should get over Dean.

Castiel sighed resignedly and forced himself back into the moment. One of the shirtless men was lighting the fire he and Dean were beside, and Charlie had just arrived, taking a seat beside Dean.

Charlie grinned and waved at Cas when she saw him, and Cas smiled back. It was, surprisingly, genuine. Something about Charlie’s seemingly constant happiness was irrefutably contagious, Castiel had learned.

The circle around the fire cheered and whooped as the timber caught ablaze – the impressive pile getting swallowed by eager flames. The evening light was just beginning to dim, and the first few burgers were being doled out. Castiel’s attention was drawn by Dean poking him in the ribs.

“Hm?” Cas asked, distractedly.

“I asked if you wanted a burger.” Dean said, frowning. “You okay man?”

“Yeah I’m fine.” He replied instantly. “Just tired.” He added. “And sure, if you’re offering.” He shot Dean a thankful smile and the other man hesitated before standing and walking over to the barbecue.

Charlie took the opportunity to slide into Dean’s vacated chair beside Castiel. “What’s really up?” She asked, seeing through Cas’ bullshit more easily than Dean.

Cas chuckled. “Nothing. Really. I’m just tired.” He stretched for good measure, hoping Charlie would buy it.

She glared at him for a moment before shrugging. “Whatever. Those mattresses in the dorms do suck.”

“Right!?” Cas agreed. “Like, what do they stuff them with; rocks?” He grinned, happy that Charlie wasn’t prying any more.

Before long, Dean returned with burgers for each of them and shoved Charlie good-naturedly out of his seat.

The three of them talked into the night, their conversation occasionally being interrupted by somebody new, but it always returned to just those three.

At the moment, Charlie and Dean were passionately discussing something or other (which possibly had to do with role-play, but as soon as he realised it want the kinky kind Cas had tuned out) with a cheery man called Garth. The sky was dark now, and the fire was beginning to die down; the embers escaping towards the night sky like fireflies. Cas had been staring at the flames, entranced by the colours produced by empty cans and plastic wrappers, but he made the mistake of glancing up at Dean. The firelight caught his face just so, making the angles of his cheekbones look harsh yet delicate at the same time. His freckles were barely visible in the semi-darkness, but his eyes looked so full of life and passion that it actually made Cas’ breath hitch. He found he literally couldn’t tear his eyes away from the man beside him. Luckily Dean was absorbed in his conversation with Charlie so he didn’t see Cas staring at him, wide eyed and unashamed.

Castiel’s heart felt like it was pounding, and he lifted a hand to his chest to check that it wasn’t actually beating out of his chest like in a cartoon. It wasn’t, but it might have well have been with the rate it was beating at, a jackhammer against his ribs.

It wasn’t until this moment that Cas realised quite how far he’d fallen for Dean Winchester.

This wasn’t good. This didn’t happen; not to Castiel. This couldn’t happen. This hadn’t happened since…

No. He wouldn’t think about that. Not here, not now. Instead he willed his heart to calm down and took five deep breaths, filling his lungs with the tangy smoke from the fire.

Which reminded him, “I’m just gonna go for a cigarette." He said, his voice rough, and patted Dean on the shoulder, before practically running away.

 

* * *

 

Dean frowned. Castiel only ever smoked when he was worried about something. Was this barbecue really that stressful for him? He had been uncomfortable on the way here, but Dean had thought he’d been enjoying himself. Dean excused himself, leaving Charlie and Garth to debate about Han Solo’s shoes, or something, and walked in the direction Cas had gone.

Dean found him round the side of the house, leaning against the brick wall of the building with a cigarette hanging from his lips. Dean inhaled sharply. He didn’t know what it was about Cas smoking; it shouldn’t be as sexy as it was. But God it was.

Dean hadn’t known about the angel of Thursday thing, but he realised how fitting it was now. The smoke had gathered above Castiel’s head, and with the way the porch light was hitting it, it looked almost like a halo.

Dean forced himself to walk forward. The crunch of Dean’s boots on the gravel alerted Castiel to his presence, and he glanced up.

“Hey man, you okay?” Dean asked, leaning on the wall beside his friend.

Cas drew in a lungful of smoke before dropping the cigarette and crushing it beneath his shoes. He nodded, blowing a fine curl of smoke upward from between his lips.

Dean realised he was staring, and forced his gaze up to Cas’ eyes – although he was looking at the ground. “’S just you don’t usually smoke unless you’re stressed.” Dean said, dropping his gaze too.

He saw Castiel’s eyes flick up to his face abruptly, out of the corner of his eye. “Yeah,” He replied hesitantly. “I guess I don’t.” He shook his head and sighed. “We should get back before the fire goes out completely.” He said, walking away and leaving Dean more concerned than he was before.

Dean tried to let the subject drop, though, and an hour later Cas seemed to be okay again. He got on well with everyone, even Garth’s girlfriend, Bess, who’d always given Dean the creeps.

Dean had driven them home a while after the fire went out, making sure to thank Benny for his hospitality as always. Benny had just laughed and shaken his head. They both knew Dean was always welcome when it came to Benny.

Cas had looked thoughtful on the drive home, and had spent a good deal of time staring at Dean when he thought he wasn’t looking. It made Dean’s heart speed up every time he noticed, and his heart almost stopped when Castiel gave him a lingering goodnight hug outside his dorm room.

Something had changed between he and Cas, but he couldn’t put his finger on what it was.

 

Since then, things had been pretty good between he and Cas. They were back to hanging out pretty frequently after last week, which is why Dean invited Cas to come grocery shopping with him the day before Sam was meant to be coming.

“And, I’m not shitting you here,” Dean said, waving some pasta around wildly. “He didn’t wear socks again for months.”

Cas cracked up into laughter at the anecdote about Sam, leaning on the shelves of spaghetti beside him.

Dean grinned as he watched the glorious sight of Cas laughing. He caught himself staring when Cas looked up at him, eyes still sparkling with mirth, and quickly turned to put the pasta into his shopping cart.

“You need anything before we go?” Dean asked, turning back to Cas, who now had a small smile on his face as he watched Dean.

Castiel shook his head, and followed Dean to the checkout.

They walked back, each carrying two bags of groceries, chatting and laughing.

It was grossly domestic, Dean thought, and he loved it. He had never had this with anyone, since he moved out from under his parents’ roof three years ago. He’d had Lisa, but even with her things had never been this comfortable. Everything with Castiel was so easy, even if it was far from simple. He got things from Cas’ friendship that just felt right.

Back in their building Dean held the door in the stairwell open for Cas, and didn’t miss the other man’s smile at the gesture, even thought he tried to hide it.

Dean looked down the corridor and was surprised to see his behemoth of a brother sitting outside his room beside a duffle bag.


	8. Chapter 8

Sam Winchester had been on this Earth for almost nineteen years. He’d known his brother for the entirety of those years, and seen him nearly every day for sixteen of them. Not only that, but he was training to be a Lawyer at one of the most prestigious schools in the States. And disregarding all that, he wasn’t blind.

As soon as he saw the two emerge from the stairwell, he began to suspect that Castiel wasn’t simply the ‘friend’ that Dean would later introduce him as.

But he’s getting ahead of himself.

 

Sam stood up, grinning widely as he made his way down the hallway. “Dean!” He said, wrapping up his brother in a bone-crushing hug.

“Sammy,” Dean replied, thumping Sam on the back friendlily.

“It’s good to see you.” Sam said, releasing his brother and smiling widely.

“You too, uh, not to be rude or anything – but didn’t you say you were coming tomorrow?” Dean asked.

Sam chuckled. “Yeah, sorry about that. I got an extra day off work and decided to switch flights and come down early. Is that cool? I can stay in a hotel or something if not.”

“Nah, it’s cool. I’m glad you’re here. Uh, Sam, this is Cas- Castiel. Cas, this is my brother Sammy.” Dean introduced, waving a hand between them and grinning proudly.

“Good to meet you, Sam.” Cas said, extending a hand. “Dean’s been telling me all about you.”

Sam took the proffered hand, shaking it warmly. Something about the glint in Castiel’s eye told Sam that Dean hadn’t just been telling this man about Sam’s achievements in swimming in the third grade. “Dean, you’d better not have told him about the ants.” Sam said, throwing a bitchface in his brother’s direction.

Dean laughed raucously, patting Sam on the back. “Let’s get your stuff inside.” He said, evading the question.

Sam turned back to Castiel as Dean picked up his duffel back in the hand not carrying groceries. “Nice to meet you too, Castiel.” He said, smiling warmly. “So how do you know Dean?”

“I live across the hall.” Castiel gestured at the door beside them. “And don’t worry – I wouldn’t have worn socks for fear of ants if I’d done that either.” He grinned teasingly and followed Dean inside; leaving Sam to roll his eyes and dread spending the next few days with these two – who already seemed to be the perfect pair to team up on Sam.

After pulling out the inflatable mattress from under Dean’s bed, and getting Sam settled, the three of them went out to lunch at a burger place near Dean’s building.

Sam had ordered a Caprese Salad, Dean and Castiel had ordered burgers. They were sitting at a booth, Sam on one side, the other two opposite.

“Dean says you go to Stanford?” Cas asked, taking a sip of root beer.

Sam nodded. “Yeah, this is my first year.”

“And you’re studying Law?” He asked. “How’s that?”

Sam nodded. “Really great, actually. I mean, exhausting – obviously but awesome.”

Castiel grinned. “That’s cool. I’ll be sure to wait a few years before I get into any real trouble with the law, so you can bail me out.”

Sam laughed. “Sure. Just gimme a call.”

“How’s Jess?” Dean asked, smiling.

“She’s doin’ pretty good. She likes her new place downtown.” Sam nodded. “Speaking of, how’s Lisa?”

Dean frowned suddenly, shoulders becoming tense. Castiel glanced over at him with what looked like concern.

“Ah, yeah.” Dean rubbed the back of his neck self-consciously. “She dumped me a few weeks back.”

“That sucks, Dean.” Sam said genuinely. “You guys really seemed to hit it off.”

Dean shrugged. “Yeah, well… What can ya do?” He chuckled self-deprecatingly and took a bite of his burger.

“Jess is your girlfriend, I take it?” Castiel asked, taking the attention away from Dean, which they were all glad of.

Sam smiled without even meaning  to. “Yeah. Goin’ on four years.”

Cas raised his eyebrows, impressed. “Nice.” Then, after a moment of consideration. “I’m not surprised, nice guy like you.”

“Really?” Dean laughed. “You’re flirting with my brother right after he tells you he’s got a girlfriend?”

Sam watched Castiel’s cheeks flush a light pink, and he ducked his head. “I wasn’t flirting, Dean.”

“Sure.” Dean said, rolling his eyes and elbowing Cas softly in the side, causing the other man to smile softly at Dean.

Sam chuckled. “So Cas, you got anybody?” He asked.

Cas looked up, seeming surprised at the question. “Me? No.” He said, a small frown appearing on his lips.

Sam watched Dean’s look of confusion, before it disappeared as he spoke. “Y’know sometimes I miss being single.” Sam said wistfully.

Dean raised an eyebrow at his brother. “Really?”

Sam chuckled. “Not really, no. Just trying to be supportive.”

Dean laughed and shook his head. “That’s what I thought.”

After lunch the trio returned to Dean’s room to chat, and share stories with Cas about when the brothers were younger. At some point Dean got a text from Charlie, and they invited her over to see Sam.

Sam had met her a few times, and instantly hit it off with her – bonding over their shared love of Lord of the Rings books and teasing Dean. Sam could see why she was one of his brother’s best friends.

When Charlie arrived, they quickly found that two six-foot men, one giant and a small but wriggly woman could not comfortably fit in Dean’s small dorm room while there was a blow-up mattress taking up half of it – so Castiel suggested they move across to his room.

Even with the extra space it was still a squeeze, and Charlie ended up sitting on the floor by Castiel’s desk – though she insisted that she didn’t mind. Sam was sitting in an office chair, and Dean and Cas were on the bed. After Sam had watched them ogle each other for the last six hours, he barely noticed the hairsbreadth of space between them.

It took about half an hour before Sam and Castiel had gotten into a heated discussion about politics; much to Dean’s apparent surprise, Cas was surprisingly well-versed on the subject.

Dean was listening half-heartedly, but had learned not to intervene, while Charlie was playing on her phone in a bored manner.

“But why was the Clinton administration so corrupt?” Sam argued, flailing his arms expressively.

“Because his interns were-“

Castiel’s explanation was cut off by Charlie. “Hey Castiel,” She said, waving her hand around to get his attention. “Do you have a phone charger I can borrow? My battery’s getting low.”

“Uh, sure.” Cas said. “Should be in that drawer beside you, go wild. Anyway, as I was saying – because-“

Cas was once again cut off by Charlie snorting. “Um…” She said, looking in the drawer.

“Oh,” Realisation dawned on Castiel’s face. “Right, not… Not that one.” He said, as Charlie pulled out a bag of weed. “Uh…” He said, turning to watch the future lawyer worriedly.

There was a moment of tense silence before Charlie broke it. “Well, are you gonna share?” She asked, prompting Sam into raucous laughter.

This seemed to put Cas at ease as he sighed in relief and grinned. “Of course I share.” He said.

Charlie shrugged. “I was kidding, but now you’ve offered…”

Castiel ran a hand through his hair. “Any of you mind?” He asked.

Sam shook his head. “Not at all – go for it. I think I’ll keep out of it, though.”

Cas nodded. “Suit yourself. Dean?” He turned, to find Dean with a small frown on his lips.

“You smoke weed?” He asked, apparently still hung up on this revelation.

Castiel snorted and gave a short nod. “Are you seriously surprised?” He asked in disbelief.

Dean shrugged. “I guess not. Go ahead.”

“You’re not joining us?” Charlie asked from her place on the floor.

“Nah,” Dean shook his head. “Not really my thing.”

Charlie looked like she was considering something. “Y’know, I don’t think I’ve ever seen you stoned.” She said.

Dean smiled sheepishly. “You haven’t.” He said, before admitting, “I’ve only done it once – back I high school. Rhonda Hurley made me try.”

“Don’t you wanna try again?” Charlie asked, frowning. “If you’ve only done it once how d’you know you don’t like it?”

“I dunno… What if I get addicted or something?”

Cas snorted, “That’s not gonna happen.”

Dean still looked unsure, so Cas added, “Trust me, Dean, I went to medical school; once upon a time.”

Dean frowned. “Really?” He asked. Sam gleaned that Dean did not know this – Sam himself was a little surprised, in all honesty.

Castiel nodded. “In another life.” He said quietly.

Dean seemed to drop it and shrugged. “I guess I could try it.”

“Yeah.” Cas grinned and high fived him. “That’s the spirit.” He hopped down from the bed and rummaged in the drawer before producing some rolling papers.

He and Charlie worked on rolling some blunts while Sam watched his brother fiddle nervously with the edge of Castiel’s comforter.

Sam just chuckled and watched Castiel’s deft fingers work with the paper. Once he’d finished, he licked a stripe along the side, and Sam watched Dean track the moment closely, to seal it – and fished a lighter from his pocket.

“Charlie, open that window, would you?” Cas asked, resuming his place on the bed beside Dean. Castiel lit up and took a drag, closing his eyes.

Dean was watching, wide eyed, as the smoke curled from Castiel’s rounded lips. The man opened his eyes and offered the blunt to Dean, who took it, inspecting it closely before bringing it to his lips and inhaling.

He didn’t get very far before he had to pause and cough violently. Cas smiled and put a hand on Dean’s back to soothe him through his fit. Sam watched the slightly intimate gesture and smiled to himself; confident already that whatever Dean and Castiel had going on between them, Cas genuinely cared for his brother. He was a good man, and Sam was excellent at judging character; hence his future career. Sam had a strong suspicion that he and Dean were in fact dating – and didn’t exactly blame Dean for not ‘coming out’ to him, or whatever, but he still wished he would trust him with stuff like this. He’d also had a sneaking suspicion for a long time that his brother didn’t exclusively like girls – since he had told Sam in third grade about a boy named Aaron who he claimed he was going to marry, until the boy moved away. Then Dean had got his first girlfriend.

Sam’s attention was brought back to the room when Charlie spoke, demanding that the boys hand over the blunt.

Castiel chuckled, a low rumble from the smoke. “Here, you can have the rest. This stuff’s pretty strong.”

Sam looked over at his brother who was staring more intensely than usual at the man beside him.

“How ya feeling Dean?” Sam asked, grinning and leaning forward.

Dean turned to look at him slowly, seemingly having to drag his eyes away from Castiel. He frowned. “’M fine. Don’t think it’s affecting me yet.” He said slowly, smacking his lips, before going back to staring at Cas.

Sam chuckled and Cas gigged at Dean, who looked at them self-consciously.

“Whatareyoulaughingat?” He slurred.

Castiel was still giggling as he replied. “You’re funny when you’re stoned.”

“Yeah, you’re acting pretty different Dean.” Sam laughed, amused to find that Cas was a giggly stoner.

Dean looked taken aback, and looked down at his hands for a good minute and a half before meeting Cas’ gaze. “Holy shit.” He said.

“What?” Castiel asked, distractedly picking at the black nail polish he was wearing.

“I think my hands have grown, like, a shit ton.” Dean said, bringing them up to show Cas.

He squinted at them, before taking them in his own. “’S okay.” He decided. “You can always use mine.” He proved his point by moving Dean’s hair about a bit. “See?”

Dean grinned and nodded, prompting Castiel into a fit of giggles.

Charlie suddenly appeared next to Sam. She whispered conspiratorially into his ear. “I suddenly wish that I wasn’t stoned for this.” She said.

Sam wasn’t sure what she was talking about, but he assumed that Dean and Castiel normally weren’t very affectionate around other people. Contrarily to now – while Cas was resting his head on Dean’s lap and playing with his hands.

 

The next few days passed relatively uneventfully. Dean showed Sam around the city, bringing him to restaurants and and bars he’d found and liked. The second day, Castiel didn’t join them, and Sam wasn’t sure why, but when Sam asked him to come along on the third day he seemed more than happy to. The brothers caught up, and reminisced – overall Sam was more than glad he had decided to visit – not least because he’d gotten to meet Castiel.

On the fifth, and last day of Sam’s visit, he went out of his way to find some time alone with Castiel. The moment presented itself when Dean had gone downstairs to bring Sam’s duffel bag (and new rucksack full of souvenirs and random things he’d bought over his stay) down to the cab, leaving Sam alone with Cas.

“Hey, so, Castiel – it was really great to meet you, man.” He said, standing by the door. “And I know Dean can be weird about shit like this – but just so you know, I approve.” He said, smiling knowingly.

Castiel wore a puzzled frown. “…Approve of what?” He asked.

Sam chuckled. “Okay, okay – you don’t have to come right out and say it. But just so you know – the two of you aren’t as subtle as you think you are.”

Castiel’s frown deepened. “Sam, what are you talking about?”

Sam’s smile faltered. Had he somehow hugely misread their actions? Surely not – they had been so obvious. “You know…” He said. “You… And Dean...” Sam sighed in frustration when Castiel just looked blankly at him. “Come on, man, I see the way you look at him.”

That got a reaction. Castiel’s eyes widened and he stood up abruptly. “You know?” Cas asked, voice slightly panicked.

“Well, yeah…” Sam said, frowning slightly. “Don’t worry about it-“

He was cut off by Castiel. “You can’t tell him” He said, eyes scared and sincere. “Please, Sam.” He added quietly.

Sam frowned, now completely lost. “Tell him what? How can he not…” Sam trailed off. Suddenly it all clicked. “Are you serious?” He asked in frustration. “My brother has his head up his ass again? Seriously, Dean?” He asked the room in general, even though Dean wasn’t in the room. “He does this every damn time.” He told Castiel.

Cas looked slightly bewildered again. “I don’t know if I understand…”

“Listen,” Sam said, “Dean is a complete idiot when it comes to relationships, okay? Trust me, I’ve known him long enough – I’ve see him break his own heart more often than I can count.”

“Sam, I don’t know what you’re implying, but your brother’s straight.” Castiel said, like he was talking to a toddler.

Sam harrumphed, “Sure, and so is Neil Patrick Harris. Apparently you both have to get your heads out of your asses.” He muttered. “Look, I’ve gotta go – I can’t miss my flight; just know two things – one, I’d put money on the fact that Dean is not straight, and two, he looks at you like you look at him when he thinks nobody’s watching.” With that, Sam patted a stunned looking Castiel on the shoulder and took off down the corridor to find Dean and his cab.

 


	9. Chapter 9

The day after Sam left to go back to California, Dean had to work pretty much all day. When he’d come back upstairs after saying goodbye to his brother the day before, Castiel had seemed distant and unsure of Dean – which was disappointing because he had thought that Cas was beginning to warm up to Dean – but he didn’t push it or mention it, just decided to let it work itself out.

Still, when Dean got back to his dorm, he texted Cas – asking if he wanted to hang out. Cas replied almost instantly, saying he’d be right over; and sure enough a few minutes later Dean heard the door opening.

He left it unlocked a lot of the time now, to allow Castiel access. The only other person in their section of the dorms was a harmless guy called Gad that Dean rarely talked to – so Dean felt safe leaving his door unlocked.

Castiel walked in and shut the door behind him, flopping down on Dean’s bed.

“Hey, how was your day?” he asked, fiddling with his sleeves.

“Fine," Dean said, before amending, "boring. How was yours?” he asked from his seat at the desk, swivelling in the chair absentmindedly.

Castiel shrugged. “Fine," he said. “Hung out with Gabe for a while.” He frowned down at his sleeve where he’d picked a small hole in the fabric.

“You okay?” Dean asked. “You seem nervous.”

Cas took a deep breath before answering. “Yeah.” He nodded. “Actually, I was gonna talk to you about something,” Cas was cut off by his phone ringing loudly. He jumped a little and grumbled something as he fished it out of his pocket, frowning.

He answered it and stood up. “Hello?” he said, turning to the wall for some modicum of privacy.

Then, after a second, “Anna?!... Uh, why?... I guess that’s fine… Okay…” Castiel’s breath hitched before he said the last part. “Love you, goodbye.” Cas hung up the phone and stared blankly at the wall.

“Uh, Cas?” Dean asked carefully, standing.

Castiel seemed to remember he wasn’t alone and turned to Dean, fiddling with his lip ring. “Yeah?"

“You okay?”

Cas frowned. “Um, that was my sister,” he said, still staring vacantly somewhere behind Dean.

“I didn’t know you had a sister.” Dean said, before adding, “Is that bad? Is she okay?”

“She’s… fine.” Castiel said. “She says... She says she wants to see me.”

“Okay, good?” Dean ventured, still utterly confused.

Castiel nodded shakily. “Yeah, that’s good.” He looked a bit like he was going to cry, so Dean did the only thing he knew how; he wrapped Cas in his arms and held him there. He thought he heard Cas sniff after a moment, but couldn’t be sure.

After a minute or so, Castiel pulled away and ran a hand across his face, before looking up at Dean – smiling shakily.

Dean smiled back, somewhat unsure. “Cas…” he began, carefully. “Are you okay?”

He nodded. “Yeah, yeah I am.” Cas smiled widely. “She uh, she hasn’t spoken to me for… Over three years.”

Dean raised his eyebrows. “Wow, that’s… That’s awesome Cas. What did she say?”

“She’s coming to visit. Our parents are going on vacation tomorrow and she’s coming the day after.” Cas still looked disbelieving as he spoke, and his hands were shaking slightly where they hung by his sides. “Holy shit,” he whispered finally.

 

The next two days Cas spent his time worrying, tidying his room, and smoking. He gave Dean the rest of his weed ("just to hold onto until Anna leaves again"), which Dean reluctantly accepted as a favour.

 

Anna’s flight was due in at seven in the evening, and Dean had driven Cas to the airport since Cas didn’t have a car.

Dean was waiting in his Baby and listening to a classic rock station as he waited for Castiel to come back with his sister. Cas had fidgeted the whole way over, and had even taken out his eyebrow piercings and smoothed down his hair slightly, Dean guessed to look presentable, but he kept in his lip ring to chew on for the duration of the car journey.

Dean didn’t have to wait long before he saw Cas walking towards him alongside a stunning redhead, who looked very slightly familiar, but Dean had never been to Chicago so they never could have met. He noticed that Castiel kept glancing over at his sister, as if to check she was really there. Cas hadn’t really talked about his family, or why he got so overwhelmed at his sister visiting, but Dean decided he just had to give the other man time.

Dean got out of the Impala to greet the pair. Immediately, Dean noticed how similar Anna was to her brother – in appearance but mostly in mannerisms.

“Dean, this is Anna,” Cas said, looking nervously between them. “Anna, this is my friend Dean.”

Dean smiled charmingly and extended a hand. “Nice to meet you, Anna. I’m sure if you’re half as charming as your brother, we’ll get on great.”

Both siblings blushed, and Anna took Dean’s hand. “Hello, Dean. Castiel tells me you drove him here – thank you,” she said. Her voice was soft, but not shy.

“No problem,” Dean replied. “You guys ready to go?”

They nodded, and followed Dean back to his car. Dean opened the door for Anna and put her bags in the trunk before driving them back the dorms.

Castiel had borrowed Dean’s blow up mattress, and some of his sheets since Cas apparently only had the ones on his own bed, and had set it up in his room. He was planning on offering Anna his bed, too, although she'd likely refuse. He’d told Dean all this as he was pacing around his room in a panic the day before.

 

On the way over, they had made light, comfortable conversation, and Anna had even complimented the Impala, making Dean’s opinion of her soar.

Cas still seemed somewhat nervous as he sat in the back seat across from Anna, biting his lip and fiddling with his sleeves, and Dean had done his best to include him in the conversation – which was strange, seeing as Dean was the one who wasn’t part of their family. Dean wanted to ask why his sister was such a big deal, but Cas hadn't mentioned it so he decided to wait to be told.

 

When they got back, Dean brought Anna’s luggage upstairs and followed Cas into his room where the mattress had been set up.

Dean had been about to say his goodbyes and retreat across the hall, when Castiel spoke up, “Dean, I think I left something in the car, would you help me get it?”

Dean was pretty sure Cas hadn’t left anything in Baby, but he agreed anyway. As soon as they were in the hall, Castiel stopped Dean in his tracks. He appeared to be having a mild panic attack.

“Woah, Cas, just breathe,” Dean said, placing a hand on his back.

Castiel nodded, trying to do as Dean had said. After a moment he looked up. “She’s here,” he said. “She’s really here.”

Dean had never seen Cas so out of his element before, and it was scaring him a little. “Yeah, she is. She’s nice,” he said, unsure of what to say.

“She always was,” Cas said, before saying seriously. “You can’t leave me alone with her, Dean.”

Dean frowned. “I’m gonna have to sleep at some point, Cas. I really don’t think there’s room for three in there. Besides, don’t you want to catch up with her?”

Cas shook his head adamantly. “No. You can go tonight, but you have to come back tomorrow.”

“Okay, sure Cas. If you want me to,” Dean said uncertainly. Cas nodded and went back inside, waiting for Dean to say goodnight.

 

The next morning when Dean woke it was already half past ten. He got out of bed and threw on yesterday’s clothes, before making his way towards the kitchen to find some food. Out in the hallway, he encountered Anna as she was leaving Cas’ room.

She looked relieved when she saw Dean. “Good morning Dean,” she said.

“Morning Anna,” Dean smiled brightly. “You sleep okay on that mattress?”

“Yes, thank you, it was surprisingly comfortable.” 

Dean nodded. “My brother uses it sometimes when he comes to visit – he’s never complained,” he said. “Cas still asleep?”

“Yes.” Anna nodded.

“D’you want some breakfast?”

“That would be lovely, Dean,” she said, smiling at him.

Dean smiled back before leading her to the small kitchen. They still had groceries in from Sam visiting, so Dean decided to whip up some bacon and eggs, before asking a precursory “you’re not vegetarian or anything, right?” To which Anna laughed softly and shook her head.

While Dean was cooking he chatted to Anna about her life up in Chicago – and learned that she was a writer, following in her and Cas’ father’s footsteps. Dean hadn’t known that Cas’ dad was a writer.

Dean told her about his life back with Bobby, and about Sam. He thought they’d get on; Anna and Sam.

As Dean was serving the breakfast, Castiel wandered in, all bleary eyes and sleep-mussed hair. It wasn’t adorable at all… Dean distracted himself by watching Anna turn and greet her brother – standing and revealing a sliver of pale skin above her shorts. Dean felt a twinge of guilt in checking her out while her brother was in the room, though he couldn’t put his finger on why. It wasn't like he and Cas were even together.

One they’re eaten breakfast they got ready and then went out for the day. Castiel wanted to show Anna the sights, but Dean acted as tour guide since Cas hadn’t lived here for long.

Anna seemed like she had thoroughly enjoyed herself when they returned to Cas’ room that evening, and Dean wondered why Cas was so scared to spend time with her. She was charming, and sweet, and very much like Castiel himself, Dean decided.  
Beside him on the bed, Cas was fidgeting again, and Dean realised that he was almost definitely itching for a cigarette, since he hadn’t had one all day. He thought Cas probably didn’t want to seem rude to his sister by going outside to have one, so Dean stepped in.

“Hey, uh, Cas?” he said during a lull in the conversation, catching the other man’s eye. “Do you think you could run down to the corner store and grab me some smokes? I just remembered I’m out, but my legs are exhausted from driving around all day.” He hoped Castiel understood what he was doing, and he seemed to as he gave Dean a small, thankful, relieved smile and stood up.

“Sure thing, Dean. I’ll be back in fifteen,” he said, grabbing his wallet off the desk before standing and leaving the room.

A few minutes after Castiel left Anna spoke. “I like you, Dean,” she said simply.

Dean smiled. “I like you too, Anna.”

Anna smiled back, less innocently than before, and Dean realised that she was flirting, not just being nice.

Dean’s heart began to beat faster and his mind raced.

She isn’t Cas.

But maybe she’s the best Dean can have.

She’s pretty similar to Cas and she’s damn beautiful.

And Dean _can have_.

Dean swallowed his trepidations and turned to Anna, who was sitting substantially closer than he remembered, her breath ghosting over Dean’s face.

Dean didn’t know who leaned in first, but suddenly their lips were meeting. Dean fleetingly wondered if this is how Castiel’s lips felt – soft and pliant and warm- but quickly chased that thought away as soon as it appeared; this wasn’t Cas, this was Anna, a beautiful, lovely woman.

Dean gave himself to the kiss, and allowed Anna to manoeuvre them so she was lying on Dean – the kiss beginning to heat up.

 

* * *

   
Cas had been eternally gratefully for Dean’s excuse to allow Cas to smoke. He’d been stressed for pretty much the last twenty-four hours, seeing as Anna was here, and hadn’t been able to escape the entire time. He was also thankful that Dean had stayed for a lot of the time – taking the focus off Castiel.

He had practically raced down the stairs and out of the building, pulling out his packet off cigarettes as he went. He placed one between his lips and lit it, taking a long drag and closing his eyes.

God, it was stressful having Anna here – he was so sure she was going to judge him – an immense, inescapable fear that he hadn’t escaped from like he had the rest of the things from his childhood. The night air was almost as soothing as the nicotine, and Castiel was calmed almost instantly.

Cas only spent about ten minutes outside, not wanting to take too long and make Anna suspicious. She would never approve of his habit. When he got back to his room, he hesitated outside for a second, readying himself, although it was becoming easier to spend time with her.

He opened the door and his jaw went slack. Anna was on top of Dean on Cas’ bed, and they were kissing – _passionately_.

Castiel retreated quickly, closing the door quietly behind him. His heart began to hammer against his ribs and he was vaguely aware that he might be having another panic attack.

Dean and Anna.

_Dean and Anna._

‘It was happening again. _It was happening again,_ ’ was all Castiel could think as he stumbled back along the corridor, already pulling out his phone with shaky hands to call Balthazar.

 

* * *

   
After a few minutes Anna pulled away, panting slightly, her cheeks flushed. “Castiel will be back soon.” She told a slightly dazed Dean, sitting up. Dean nodded and pushed himself up beside her.

He couldn’t tell if he was happy about what had just happened, because his brain felt like it was enveloped in a cloud of confusion. He had wanted to kiss Anna, right? She was beautiful, and soft, and like Castiel.

No, that last point didn’t matter, Dean decided. Cas was taken – he was off limits. Although Cas had told Sam that he was single, Dean assumed he just hadn’t wanted to come out to a near stranger. Dean hadn’t asked.

Dean realised that he had been staring vacantly at the carpeted floor.

“Dean, are you okay?” Anna asked when she noticed.

Dean nodded. “Yeah, yeah I’m fine,” he said. “Just wondering why Cas is taking so long.”

“You’re right, it’s been almost half an hour,” Anna said, checking her dainty wristwatch.

Dean frowned at that – he hadn’t known it actually had been that long. The store was only a five minute walk away. “I’ll call him.”

“Good idea.”

Dean pulled his cell from his jeans and brought up Cas’ contact, pressing call. The phone rang for an agonisingly long time before Castiel picked up.

“Yeah?” his monotonous tone crackled down the line.

“Cas? Where are you? You’ve been gone for ages,” Dean said. “Did something happen?”

“I ran into Balthazar,” Cas said, voice lacking any intonation. “I’ll be back in ten.” With that, the other man hung up.

Dean frowned down at the black screen of his phone.

“Is he okay?” Anna asked, concerned, from beside him.

Dean nodded. “I think so, he said he just ran into… A friend.” Dean was tempted to tell Anna that it had been his boyfriend, out of petty jealously, but had thought better of it at the last moment. “He’ll be back soon.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dean can be an idiot; I know. But don't worry - there's not *too* much more waiting. I promise. I hope you guys enjoyed, and as always thanks for the support :D  
> -B  
> PS: I'm an idiot and was recently made aware that the way I write dialogue is slightly grammatically incorrect. I changed it in this chapter and will in future chapters but I don't know when I'll get around to editing earlier ones; so if you do notice the change - that's why, and if you've always noticed it and it bugged you like it would bug me, I'm eternally sorry ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings in the tags!

Balthazar had calmed Castiel down quickly after answering his cell phone. He’d offered for Cas to come over and talk about it, but he had declined, not wanting to leave Dean and Anna alone in his room for long. Since he’d defused his approaching panic attack, it only took about fifteen minutes until he was calm enough to return to his room. Dean had called him at one point, and Cas had barely felt any pain when he’d told Dean he was with Balthazar, despite the fact he knew Dean didn’t like the other man.

When he eventually did return to the pair, they kept shooting him concerned glances, but Cas ignored them and remained apathetic and cold for the rest of the evening.

He was angry; because he was better at that than being hurt. Because that’s what he was – he was hurt. But he didn’t let his emotions show too much over the next three days, despite now noticing the stolen glances, soft touches between the other two – which made him clench his jaw and his fists every time he noticed.

Regardless of how it made him feel, Castiel was sure to stay in the same room as Anna and Dean as much as humanly possible – because as much as he hated it, he didn’t think he could handle wondering if they’d done anything more.

As the days went on, Cas started noticing Dean notice him. He’d throw pained expression his way when Cas turned his back in feigned ignorance of what was happening. It confused Castiel; if it pained Dean to do this, why the fuck was he doing it? And why should he be pained – Anna was a catch, Cas knew that. He’d been introduced to the string of perfect boyfriends growing up. He wasn’t angry with Dean like he was with Anna, but he was painfully jealous and his anger permeated that jealousy.

 

The crux was that Friday. Anna was leaving the next day, and the trio were once again in Castiel’s room, chatting and picking at leftover pizza. Anna declared she wanted an early night, which was fair enough since she had a flight the next day, so Dean returned to his dorm room, and Castiel settled into his bed – facing the wall. He couldn’t sleep this early; he was so unaccustomed to it, so he just lay in the dark, the comforter wrapped around him.

He was reflecting on his sister’s visit – despite her and Dean, Castiel had to admit that he had enjoyed seeing her after all these years; after he thought he’d been abandoned.

Castiel’s train of thought was interrupted when he heard Anna get up from her makeshift bed. He assumed she was just going to the restroom, and thought nothing of it, until he heard what was distinctly the latch of the door leading to the hallway being undone. Castiel froze where he was lying – mind racing with possibilities other than the inevitable – that she was going to see Dean.

Maybe she had gotten up to get a drink of water, it was hot in this room, it was a reasonable excuse (she could have used one of the bottles under Cas’ bed, but she didn’t necessarily remember that from when Cas had told her a few days ago). Cas sat up and swung his legs over the edge of his bed, pausing for a second before standing to follow his sister. On his way to the door he stood on something sharp. Cursing softly, he bent down and found it was his discarded eyebrow piercing, and had somehow ended up on the floor by the door. He angrily shoved it back in his face, out of defiance or habit he didn’t know.

Once in the hallway, Castiel’s stomach sank as he saw that Dean’s door was open a crack – the electric light from the corridor spilling inside. He could hear whispering from inside; two distinct voices.

Castiel was suddenly filled with hurt and anger, as he barrelled forward, through the door.

He saw Anna straddling Dean on the bed, hair swishing forward and hiding Cas from both their views. “Fuck you. Fuck both of you!” Cas spat, before turning and storming out the room. He started to run and he could feel tears pricking at the corners of his eyes. He wiped them away, angry at himself.

There was only one place he wanted to be in that moment, one thing he wanted to do to soothe the seething, bubbling pain under his skin. If he was falling for Dean Winchester, he was certain he had just felt his heart slam against the cold hard ground below. He pulled his phone from his pants.

* * *

 

  
“Shit, shit, shit,” Anna muttered, getting off Dean and standing.

It was the first time he’d heard her swear.

“Fuck,” Dean agreed.

 

They spent the next four hours looking for Anna’s brother, panic intensifying with each absence of Castiel. By three in the morning they had run out of places to look – having searched all of Cas’ usual haunts, most of which Dean knew by now, and finding no trace of him. Reluctantly, they had given up and returned to Dean’s dorm, Anna sniffing and rubbing her tear-streaked face as she perched on the edge of Dean’s bed. “This is all my fault,” she wailed. “I had just found him, and then I had to go and mess it all up again.”

“Hey, don’t just blame yourself Anna,” Dean said. “I was part of this too,” he added quietly, his tone regretful.

It was within the next five minutes that they heard it; a faint and muffled “dude you’re heavy” from the corridor.

Dean bolted to the door and wrenched it open with far too much force than was necessary. The sight that met him was what he had least expected.

The girl Cas had brought home a few weeks ago was practically carrying what looked like a very drunk Cas, stumbling towards him down the hall.

“You!?” Dean exclaimed.

The woman narrowed her eyes at him. “Do I know you?” she asked suspiciously.

Dean shook his head. “No, not really. Doesn’t matter. I’m a friend of Castiel’s. Is he okay?”

“Lemme go, Meg,” Castiel mumbled, still hunched into her.

“Fine!” the woman – Meg – said. She addressed Dean. “You’re a friend of Clarence’s? Here, you take him.” She pried Cas’ arms from her waist and pushed him at Dean. “Just, don’t blame me for the state he’s in, okay? I just found him at Balthazar’s and brought him home,” she said, before turning and walking away, her hips swaying as she went.

Dean turned his attention to Cas. “Come on, buddy. Let’s get you inside,” he said, guiding him through the door to Dean’s room.

When Castiel noticed that Anna was in the room, he suddenly pushed Dean off him. “You!” he yelled, pointing an accusatory finger at his sister and marching over to her. “Why did you have to ruin everything?” he screamed, face right up to hers, finger stabbing into her chest. “Every time, Anna.”

Anna looked positively terrified. “Castiel, I’m sorry, what do you…” she trailed off and her already pale face drained completely of colour. “Castiel,” she whispered, bringing a slender hand up to his face, caressing it with gentleness out of place alongside her brother’s raw fury. “Castiel, no,” her voice cracked, and tears began to spill down her face.

“Why do you always do this, Anna? You always take them from me!” he screamed, voice wracked with sobs, clinging to his sister’s blouse and pulling her down onto him with his desperation.

“Cassie.” Anna was crying freely now. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

Castiel collapsed onto the bed, still clinging to Anna tightly – his knuckles turning white. He said nothing more, just sobbed into the sheets and curled up, Anna stroking his back and whispering things unheard by Dean into his ear.

After what seemed like an eternity, Cas’ sobbing subsided, and his breathing evened out.

Anna took a few more minutes to stroke his back, before sitting up and facing a frozen Dean. She ran a hand through her disheveled hair, still sniffing and looking distraught. “I’m sorry you had to see that,” she said calmly.

“What the hell just happened?” Dean asked quietly, mindful not to wake Cas. “He comes back wasted and starts screaming at you?”

Anna grimaced. She sighed before speaking, “Dean, he isn’t ‘wasted’,” she said, using air quotes.

“Um, yeah, pretty sure he is,” Dean argued, confused.

Anna shook her head sadly. “He hasn’t told you, has he?”

Dean shook his head. “Told me what? I mean, he hasn’t told me much but…”

Anna looked distressed, as if deciding wether to tell Dean what she was about to say. “Castiel had a troubled past,” she said softly. “I… I don’t want to say too much, it isn’t my place but… I need to know, Dean, are you and my brother involved romantically?”

Dean’s eyebrows rose to his hairline. “Uh, no?” he said, after a confused pause.

“You hesitated, why did you hesitate?” Anna persists. “Dean this is important.” She looked painfully sincere in the darkness, so Dean answered as honestly as he could bear.

“I… We’re not together,” he began. “But I’m… I was… I wish we were,” Dean admitted. It felt good to say it out loud.

Anna nodded. “How does he feel?”

“I don’t know,” Dean replied. “I’ve been told he feels the same, but I don’t believe that. He can’t,” Dean said, softly.

Anna smiled sadly. “If there’s doubt, then I’m right.” She sighed.

“What are you talking about?”

“I’m fairly sure my brother is interested in you,” she said. “And I suppose I’d better tell you some things.” She frowned deeply and shuffled uncomfortably as she spoke. “What I’m about to tell you, I’m not proud of, Dean. You’ve got to know that.”

Dean nodded solemnly, morbidly curious to know what Anna was about to tell him.

“Castiel grew up with every opportunity. He’s clever, he’s dedicated, and our parents are wealthy. They wanted him to be a doctor, ever since he was little, and he wanted it too, I think. So he graduated medical school at twenty-one, back in Chicago. At that time he had none of the,” Anna gestured at her own face. “Piercings, or anything. He was a good student, a good... person. He made our parents proud. He was also… Engaged.” Dean’s eyes widened and Anna nodded. “There was a man named Samandriel, and they were deeply in love – but… I didn’t know.” Anna whispered in distress. “Our family is very religious, Dean, and they would never stand for Castiel to be in a homosexual relationship; so he didn’t tell them. I didn’t know they were together when I visited and… and…” a tear slipped down Anna’s cheek. “We slept together. Castiel walked in on us – he was… devastated, understandably. I believe the two of them talked, and ended things. But for my brother the damage was done. He wouldn’t speak to any of his family, and we didn’t know where he’d gone – but we heard from Sam that he had fallen in with a bad crowd. When our parents learned that not only was Castiel engaged to a man, but had dropped out of his medical training programme, they cut him out completely – and so there was a stalemate; neither was going to talk to the other.” Anna sighed deeply and collected herself before she continued her story.

“It wasn’t until almost two years later that I saw him again. One of our few mutual friends had heard through the grapevine that Castiel was in a bad way. She gave me an address and I went there with Gabriel. It was in a run down part of the city, and the building looked as if it was going to collapse. Upstairs, we found our brother atop a mould-rotten blanket, among some… colourful characters. He was so… different. He wasn’t my brother any more. He looked as if he was dead.” There was sadness in Anna's eyes, but more than that; she looked  _haunted._

Dean frowned. “What was wrong with him?” he asked, still confused.

“Heroin, Dean.” Anna answered sharply. “My brother had become a heroin addict.”

Dean's mouth fell open, and he glanced at Cas’ hunched form lying beside Anna. “And... now?” he asked, afraid of the answer.

Anna nodded tearfully. “I’m sure. I didn’t think he’d gone back to his old ways but…” She took another moment to wipe away her tears. “Anyway, Gabriel brought him to a hospital, they cleaned him up, I’m told. I didn’t stay, I couldn’t. But I visited him weeks after – he was a shell of a man. I could barely stand to talk to him, but when I did – we only fought. I didn’t understand how he could let himself get to that point. He had _everything,_ Dean. A family, friends, an education, money…” she trailed off. “That was the last time I heard his voice until I called him. I didn’t think he would allow me to visit him – I thought he still blamed me. I was overjoyed. You see, Gabriel was growing tired of our parents already, and helped Castiel get himself together. I was told it took him ten months, until Castiel was a person again. And then, they travelled around a bit, and settled down here.”

Dean realised the metallic tang in his mouth was blood from the hole he’d chewed in his lip. He clenched his jaw. “Well, shit.” He said quietly.


	11. Chapter 11

“I don’t know what to do,” Anna said despairingly. “I have to leave in a few hours, and I could never deal with him like this anyway.” She was wringing her hands and chewing nervously on her lip; it reminded Dean of her brother.

Dean swallowed nervously. “I could call Gabe?”

“That’s probably best,” Anna said, although she looked as if she was going to be sick. “I don’t think I should be here when he comes, though.” She whispered the next part. “He blames me, too.”

Dean just nodded and pulled out his cell phone. “What do I tell him?”

Anna shook her head slowly. “Just tell him it’s urgent.” A tear slipped down her face. “He’ll be devastated.”

Gabriel picked up the third time Dean called him. He answered with a grumpy, “Do you know what time it is?!”

Dean took a deep breath, dreading Castiel’s brother, but relieved he answered. “Gabe, can you come over? It’s urgent,” he said, keeping his voice steady.

“Dean? Is everything okay?” he asked, suddenly a hint of concern in his voice.

“Not exactly,” Dean replied. “Please, just, come over.”

Gabe hesitated before speaking. “Okay, I’m on my way. But I swear to god if this is a prank I’ll put your scrotum in a blender.”

“Thanks, Gabe,” Dean said, before hanging up. “What else can I do?” he asked Anna.

 

Dean had never actually seen Gabriel angry, he realised. But when he was told a brief account of the evening, he was a tornado. His whiskey coloured eyes were glinting darkness in the dimness of the room as he roared at Anna. She was shaking and crying as she sat before her brother, but she didn’t retaliate in the slightest; this was her penance. Dean had been worried they’d wake Castiel, but he was past out of it – and didn’t even stir.

Once Gabe’s yelling had died down, Anna spoke, her voice wavering. “I think I should go,” she said, standing. “I’m going to find a hotel for the night.”

Dean nodded. “That’s probably a good idea,” he said, glancing at Gabe, who was still staring at her stonily.

Anna looked at Castiel’s form on the bed with a look of utter sadness, before turning back to Dean. “Thank you, for spending time with us,” she said sincerely, smiling sadly. “And I’m so sorry.”

Dean just swallowed and dipped his head, not sure what to say. “You’re welcome,” he settled on.

“Goodbye, Gabriel,” she said, before turning and walking out of the room. Dean saw her walk over to Castiel’s room, pick up her single suitcase, and turn to walk down the hall.

He looked at Gabriel, who was now sitting on the bed looking down at his brother. Dean saw the sag of his shoulders as he sighed.

He walked unsurely over to the two. “What do we do?” he asked softly.

Gabe sat stoic and unmoving, his eyes glistening with unshed tears. After an immeasurable amount of time, he looked down to the floor by Dean’s feet.

“I can’t do this,” he said monotonously.

“What?” Dean asked, worry burrowing into his stomach.

Gabriel took a deep breath. “I said I can’t do this,” he stated more surely. “A year,” he added. “A year, Dean, of my life, I gave up for him. And I can’t do it again.”

Dean stood, unmoving, in shock. “But he needs you,” he said quietly, almost pleading for Castiel’s sake.

Dean thought he saw Gabriel’s lip tremble, but he couldn’t be sure, as the next moment he was standing, earlier’s fury bursting back into his features. “ _My life_!” he shouted, face inches from Dean’s. “And _that_ ,” he pointed as Cas. “That is not my brother.” His voice cracked on the last word. “Not like this.” The anger was gone as soon as it had come, and Gabriel just looked exhausted. “I have to go,” he said, standing.

Dean didn’t move. He didn’t speak. He just stood there, allowing Gabe to brush past him and out of the room, the door clicking loudly in the quiet. Dean’s mind didn’t seem to have caught up to life yet, and he sat down on the bed, staring vacantly at the wall.

It had been a long day.

Dean had no idea what to do with a drug user. Sure, his dad had used to drink, and Dean would clean up his vomit and his empty bottles, and he could smell alcohol radiating off Cas, but Anna had seemed sure that this wasn’t just a few too many beers.

Dean wracked his brain for what to do as he sat there in the near dark, before doing the only thing he could think of. He pulled out his phone and called his brother.

“Dean?” Sam answered, sounding as if he’d just woken up.

“Hey Sammy.”

 

After explaining everything to Sam, he had looked it up on the internet and given Dean some advice.

First and foremost was; keep Castiel in sight at all times. Do not let him shoot up again. Everything should just about be manageable as long as this is the first time Castiel had used in a while.

So Dean pulled the covers over Cas and ran a hand through his hair which was sticking to his forehead with a thin sheen of sweat. He went through to Cas’ room to grab a bottle of water that he knew was kept under his bed, and he set up camp in his room. He was absolutely determined not to fall asleep, as he sat in his office chair, simply watching his friend sleep.

Maybe it was creepy, but he was doing it with a sense of total medical detachedness. Those could have been anyone’s lips, parted slightly, on anyone’s pale and beautiful face.

But they weren’t; they were Cas’. Fuck, Dean hoped Cas was gonna be okay. He hoped he was strong enough to help Cas. There was a clawing, hot worry curling up Dean’s insides, and he knew that wouldn’t go away until he was certain Castiel was gonna be alright.

Dean stayed sitting determinedly until the first rays of sunlight filtered through his open blinds. Dean blinked slowly, and stretched.

It took only a moment for a sense of unease to ooze through his bones. It had become light all of a sudden. Glancing out the window, his heart almost stopped when he saw the sun high in the sky – shining too brightly and mocking him.

Dean’s gaze fell to the bed, then, only to see it absent of Castiel.

“Fuck!” Dean shouted as he scrambled to his feet in a blind panic.

He must have fallen asleep without even realising – and Cas had gone. Dean raced to the door, only pausing to shove his feet in some shoes (he wasn’t entirely sure if they were a pair, but he didn’t care), and barrelled out into the hallway. He looked both ways down the corridor, and checked in Cas’ room even though he knew deep inside that he wasn’t there.

While he was running down the stairs, he called Charlie and told her to look out for Cas, not really explaining much. He was sure Charlie was concerned about what was happening, but Dean was too worked up to care. He also called Benny, even though it was highly unlikely he would see Cas, as well as Gabe (he got his voicemail), and a few others.

Dean didn’t even know where to look. He didn’t have a clue where Balthazar, or Meg, lived – or where to find them. He tried various places around town, until finally, despairingly, giving up. He collapsed onto the sidewalk a few blocks from Crowley’s Coissants with a deep sigh. The sun was just beginning to set over the buildings to the West, and Dean’s head was killing him, and his feet hurt from walking around all day, but Dean didn’t care about all that because he’d lost Cas. He felt completely and utterly useless, so much so that he just lay back where he was sitting, in the nearly deserted street, and closed his eyes.

He was startled by the ringing of his phone, and he shoved his hand into his pocket hurriedly, hoping for news of Cas – but it was just Sam.

“You find him yet?” Sam asked immediately.

“Nope,” Dean replied with a sigh.

“Don’t beat yourself up about it man, you’ll find him,” he comforted. Sam knew his brother too well.

“I know. But it’s all my fault, Sammy.”

“No it’s not, Dean. You didn’t even know you were in the wrong!” Sam said, exasperated.

“Still…” Dean trailed off, sitting up on the sidewalk – hot under his fingertips in the afternoon sun.

“Look, if you’ve done all you can, just go home and get some rest, okay?”

“How can I, Sam? I’ve got to find him!” Dean said, pained.

“But there’s nothing else you can do, Dean. Besides, this shouldn’t even be _on you_ – Gabriel shouldn’t have just left.”

“No, he shouldn't have, but… I get it.” Dean said softly, shrugging.

Sam sighed deeply from the other end. “Just promise me you’ll get some sleep, okay?”

“Okay, whatever. I promise,” Dean grumbled. “Tell Jess I said hi.”

“I will. Good luck, Dean.”

“Thanks Sammy.” Dean hung up and checked his phone for any new messages, but found none. Reluctantly, he stood, and began walking back in the direction of his dorm. Cas would just have to hold on another day.

 

In fact, it had been three days. Three days of no Castiel, of Dean working, then searching, then returning home, defeated and exhausted. But he wouldn’t give up; he couldn’t.

Today was Thursday, and Dean was just turning to leave the bar Castiel had sang karaoke at so many weeks ago, when he spotted her. Or at least thought he did. It could have been any girl with dark brown hair dancing her way away from Dean, but he was almost delirious with tiredness, and holding onto any glimmer of hope he found; so he made his way through the swarm of bodies towards her. It felt like he was in a river, trying to swim upstream, but the current was just too fast, too harsh. Every time he almost reached the woman, she would dart through another couple of dancers, or get dragged away by some sweaty, drunk, clingy guy.

After what felt like hours, and not without at least a few cups of _whatever_ being spilled on Dean’s shirt, he caught up to her; placing a hand on her arm and spinning her round.

And he was coming up for air – the river had narrowed to a steady stream.

“Meg,” Dean breathed, closing his eyes for a split second in relief.

When he opened them again, she looked unamused – her burgundy lipstick set in a straight line. “Have we met?” she asked, and Dean saw no recognition in her eyes.

Dean nodded. “Yes, kind of. Doesn't matter. I need to know – have you seen Castiel?”

Meg’s eyes softened and she raised an eyebrow. “Clarence? Not recently. Why?”

“I need to find him. I don’t think he’s okay,” Dean said insistently. “And why do you call him that? His name is Castiel.”

Meg smirked a little, before sobering again. “Never mind that, for now.”

“So you really don’t know where he is?” he asked, voice gaining an edge of desperation. “What about Balthazar?”

“Just slow down a minute.” Meg frowned and crossed her arms over her chest. “If you think Clarence is in danger, I can help you find him.”

Dean felt relief flood over him. “Really? Thank you.”

Meg seemed to consider a moment more, before nodding once and dragging Dean away by his arm. She was strong, for such a short lady.

 

The place Meg brought him to was only a few blocks from the bar. It was an apartment complex; fancy, but run down. She took them up to the second floor by a rickety elevator, and when they emerged into the hallway there was loud but muffled music coming from one of the apartments. Meg marched up to the door and told Dean to stay where he was, before knocking loudly.

Dean studied the peeling, green paintwork next to the door during the long wait for an answer.

Finally, the door was thrown open, the loud music spilling out, and by none other than a shirtless Balthazar, who smiled when he saw it was Meg.

“Meg, darling! How good of you to join us,” he said, words slightly slurred.

Meg crossed her arms. “I’m not here to join you,” she said coldly. “Clarence in there?” She nodded at the room behind Balthazar.

Balthazar only seemed then to notice Dean. He frowned. “Oh. It’s you," he said. “I’ve been informed that Cassie doesn’t want to see you.”

Dean felt a pang of guilt at that, and he dropped his gaze to his shoes.

“Well it’s not up to him.” Meg intervened. “Let us in, Bal.”

Balthazar considered for a moment before he spoke. “Only if you agree to spend the rest of the evening with us, Meg,” he said, a challenge in his eyes.

Meg looked at him coldly, looking for all the world like she was going to decline, before she glanced at Dean and nodded. “Fine. Just let us in.”

Balthazar grinned wolfishly and stepped back, letting them inside. The first room they came to was a living room, with a few dilapidated couches and beanbags on the tattered and stained cream carpet. There were large, black speakers blasting the music, and Dean was pretty sure he saw an elegant Siamese cat on one of the couches – but he barely noticed any of that. What he noticed was Castiel; spread out on one of the beanbags. He was pale and there were bags under his eyes, but he was smiling hugely.

“Dean!” he said, struggling to sit up. “I thought you’d come! Are you here for the party?” Why didn’t you come sooner?” His hand reached up and slender fingers wrapped around Dean’s wrist, pulling him down.

Dean fell into Cas’ embrace, wrapping strong arms around his shoulders. He wasn’t totally sure he wasn’t dreaming – but the firm muscle under his hands screamed lucidity. “Cas,” Dean sighed. “We gotta go home. Come on,” he said, standing straighter.

Castiel frowned, pulling back, but his hand remained on Dean’s arm. “I don’t wanna leave,” he stated.

Dean sighed. “I know, Cas, but we’ve gotta. I’ll buy you a pizza on the way,” he offered a weak smile.

Castiel looked pained. “Is Anna still there?” he asked.

“She left. It’s okay, Cas – it’s just me.” Dean’s heart was racing, he was exhausted and he just wanted – _needed_ – Cas to agree to come home.

He hesitated for a moment more before a wave of defeat seemed to wash over his face. He nodded, and stood on unsteady feet, grip tight on Dean’s arm.

“You’re going with him?” Balthazar asked incredulously from across the room.

“Leave them alone Bal.” Meg shoved him, successfully distracting him as he pushed her off the couch – initiating a small war.

Dean looked back at Castiel – who looked about two seconds from sitting back down and never moving again. “Let’s go,” Dean said softly. Moving Cas’ arm around his shoulders for support, and starting towards the door.

The journey back to the dorms was long and tiring – not least because he had come on foot, leaving Dean’s Impala six or seven blocks away. Castiel was a little unsteady on his feet, but eventually they made it back, and Dean allowed Cas to collapse on his bed. He was out like a light, and although Dean was equally exhausted – he was also determined to take a few precautions. He would not lose Cas again. He locked the door from the inside and hid the key in his sock drawer, then texted Charlie a slightly more detailed explanation of what had happened, as well as finding several bottles of water and aspirin. It was all he knew to do. Then, he flopped down next to Castiel on his bed and switched off the beside light; falling asleep almost instantly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Woo! I kinda love this chapter even if that makes me seem a little sadistic. I PROMISE our boys don't have too much more waiting to do, it think we can agree they've suffered enough. I love you guys' comments and support, so thank you!  
> -B


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I don't know firsthand what heroin withdrawl (or addiction) is like - but I did some research to the best of my abilities. Also, yeah, don't do drugs, kiddos (or adults).

Dean woke to the sound of a drawer being slammed shut. He blinked open his eyes and watched Castiel frustratedly sink to the floor, dragging a hand across his tired eyes. His head fell back against the wood with a hard _thwack._ His leg was bouncing restlessly where it lay, and his fingers were tapping out an unintelligible rhythm on the carpet.

Dean sat up slowly, not wanting to startle Cas. It was a bit like he was a scared animal – and Dean was a little kid who was trying their best to not make them run away; despite the fact he had no idea how.

“Hey,” he said quietly, once was upright. “How ya feeling?”

Cas didn’t respond. He just sat with his eyes closed and his limbs twitching.

Dean cleared his throat. “Do you want some water?”

After a long moment, Castiel opened his eyes; staring directly ahead. “No,” he said hoarsely.

“Okay.” Dean nodded. “How about something to eat?”

“No.”

“Anything?”

Cas sighed. “Well I’d quite like some heroin.”

“Right…” Dean said awkwardly.

There was a moment of silence before Cas added, “that was a joke, you know.”

Dean just nodded. “It wasn’t funny,” he whispered hoarsely.

Castiel tensed his jaw and the tapping of his fingers stopped. He nodded once, and drew his knees up to wrap his arms around them, closing his eyes again.

 

Two hours later, Cas hadn’t moved or spoken. Dean hadn’t either – except for a short trip to the bathroom.

Dean was startled at Cas’ voice. “Tell me a story,” he said from his place on the floor – his hands gripping one another with a vice-like grip.

“About what?”

“Anything. I need a distraction,” he said, before adding a soft “please.”

“Okay… Uh,” Dean thought for a moment before smiling. “So back home, when me and Sammy lived with Bobby, and I’d just started fixing up the Impala – I was out in Bobby’s yard, about to start workin’ on her,” the words flowed easily from Dean. He loved talking about the days back home. “And it was just getting dark out – when I hear this noise. And it sounds like a shitty car engine. So I go over to where I think it’s coming from – and what do I see?” Dean chuckled. “Sam’s sittin’ in this junker in the yard – some run down, green Volkswagen – and he’s got it running. About to start driving when I get there and open the door.” Dean’s smile softened to something more earnest and wistful. “The story goes; he’d got into some bullshit fight with Bobby and decided to run away. But he must’a been eleven at the time, and he’d actually got the old thing running, and I shoulda been mad at him for running away, but I was just so damn proud of the kid. That was the moment I knew he was gonna go places. He’d always been the smart one, but he’d even beaten me at my own game,” Dean chuckled. “I just patted him on the back, and told him well done, and he didn’t want to run away anymore.”

Castiel’s eyes were still closed but he had a small smile on his lips, and his hands looked like they had some blood flow again. “Another?” he asked softly.

“Sure, okay,” Dean said. “Just lemme think for a second.”

They sat like that for the rest of the day, Dean telling Cas insignificant stories, and Cas listening. Although the stories did seem to distract him, Dean could tell Castiel was getting more and more antsy as time went by; the tapping of his foot had resumed, and the few times he spoke his voice was strained.

Still, at eleven that night they both settled into the bed. Dean had offered to pull out the air mattress, but Castiel had just shaken his head and crawled under the covers.

 

The next day, Cas holed up at one end of the bed, covers wrapped around him like a cocoon, and they watched TV for the whole day. Dean ordered food in for lunch and dinner, and insisted Cas drank multiple bottles of water.

  
On the third day, Castiel refused to even sit up. He just lay under the covers, facing the wall with his eyes forced shut. When Dean returned from the bathroom at around midday, he noticed that Cas had started intermittently twitching. It was subtle, to start with, but slowly got more apparent. Soon, his whole body was laced with fine tremors.

Dean sat by Cas’ head and ran a hand through his hair; damp with sweat. “How ya doing?” he asked, voice heavy with worry.

Castiel took a few moment to reply, and his voice was shaking when he did. “Everything hurts,” he said.

“You’re doing so well,” Dean said softy, continuing to stroke Castiel’s hair soothingly. “You’re so strong, Cas. It'll be over soon, I promise.”

After a few minutes Castiel drifted to sleep, his breath becoming more even, if still erratic.

 

It wasn’t until an hour or so later that he started shivering. It was so violent that Cas seemed to wake himself up with the motion. He groaned when he did so, drawing the covers around himself tightly.

“Cas?” Dean asked, moving back to his bed from where he’d been sitting.

“So _fucking_ cold,” Cas said, through clenched teeth.

Dean leaned down and took one of Castiel’s shaking hands in his own – and sure enough it was like a block of ice. He rubbed it, trying to heat it up before muttering “fuck this,” and lifting the sheets to slide in beside Cas.

He was welcomed immediately; Castiel’s shivering arms wrapped around him instantly, seeking out the warmth of Dean’s body.

“I’ve got you,” Dean said, wrapping the covers around the both of them as Cas buried his face in Dean’s shoulder. “You’re gonna be okay,” he whispered as he rubbed a hand up and down Cas’ back. “I’m here.”

Castiel’s arms were wrapped so tightly around him that it was almost uncomfortable, but Dean didn’t mind – Cas was clearly going through hell. This was the least he could do.

Five minutes later, Cas let out a groan of frustration and pushed Dean away, rolling to the wall.

Dean understood why; he could feel the heat radiating off of him from a few feet away, could see the sweat beading on his forehead. Dean reached down to the floor and grabbed a bottle of water – it wasn’t freezing but it was cool enough.

“Here,” he said, handing it to Cas.

He held it against his forehead for a few moments, before seeming to decide that was useless, and unscrewed the cap. He managed to gulp down half of it before he gave up on that too and just poured it over his face. This seemed to help minimally, before Cas started panting – gulping for air like a dog in a too-hot car.

Dean stood, and walked to the bathroom, retrieving a cup of cold water and a towel. He sat down next to Cas and arranged the towel under his head, before tipping the cup of water over the other man’s forehead. Cas sighed in relief, his blue eyes thanking Dean where he lay, and Dean returned to the bathroom to refill the cup. He did this four more times, until Castiel’s breathing evened some.

However, after only a few minutes, the shivering came back – this time more intense than before. Dean hurriedly removed the wet towel from under Cas and grabbed a dry one; trying to dry Castiel’s hair and his face, before he actually developed hypothermia.

Cas gritted his teeth and gave a pained and broken yell, fiercely grabbing at his own arms. “Dean,” he cried, voice jagged.

“I know, Cas, I know,” Dean soothed, lying back down next to Cas, who instantly wrapped his whole self around the man. “I know,” Dean whispered into Castiel’s hair. “I’m so sorry Cas.”

The grip around him tightened. “It’s not your fault, Dean,” Cas said, words muffled by Dean’s shirt.

“It is though Cas, and I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. But you’re so strong, you know that?” There was a hint of desperation to Dean’s voice, and he wrapped his arms around Cas' cold form. “You’re so strong, it’s gonna be okay.”

There were a few moments of silence, and just the still constant shaking of Castiel, before he spoke. “I can’t do it, Dean.” He sounded as if he was crying. “It’s too hard. It hurts too much,” his voice was a shaky whisper, and his hands clawed at Dean’s back.

“I know, baby, but you can do it, you’re _so strong_.” Dean wasn’t sure where the ‘baby’ came from, and normally he would freeze and freak out, but there were more important things to worry about right now. It was simply an endearment; one that Dean could be sure was honest.

He felt Castiel shake his head. “I can’t, Dean,” he said. “I can’t.”

“Cas, look at me,” Dean said softly. “Look at me, baby.”

Cas slowly lifted his head. His eyes were closed, his jaw was clenched, and his checks were wet with tears, but Dean decided it was good enough.

He offered a small smile. “You are so strong, Cas. I _know_ you can do this. Just hold on a little longer.”

Sobs still wracked Castiel’s shaking form, so to emphasise his words, or comfort Cas, or just because he was desperate and tired and fucking selfish, Dean didn’t know, but at that moment, he leaned forward and kissed a Cas. First on the forehead, then on each cheek, then, once; chastely, on the lips.

It wasn’t enough, but apparently it was enough for Cas. He inhaled sharply and his features softened and he opened his eyes, staring at Dean for a painfully long time before nodding once, returning to burrowing into Dean.

“Thank you,” was all he said.

 

Dean could tell Castiel didn’t sleep that night – from his erratic breathing and tense muscles. And that in itself was both torture and bliss for Dean; temptation of what couldn’t be. But Dean did drift off at some point in the early morning, waking once the sunlight was flowing through the half-shut blinds.

Cas – to Dean’s alarm – was not in bed.

Dean sat up quickly, about to go into full-on panic mode, before he heard the familiar sound of the shower. He sighed deeply in relief, before walking over to the bathroom door. He knocked softly, before calling, “Cas?”

There was no reply.

Maybe he just hadn’t heard him over the running water, Dean thought.

“Cas?” He knocked louder.

Still nothing.

Afraid, Dean tried the handle; it was unlocked. Dean cautiously opened the door. “Cas, I’m coming in,” he said.

The room was foggy, and the glass door of the shower was steamed up. Dean made his way over and opened the door – prepared for the worst.

Inside, Cas was sitting on the floor, knees drawn up to his chest, water pounding down onto his dark hair. When the door opened he looked groggily up at Dean.

Dean sighed in relief. “Cas,” he said. “You okay? Ya scared me there.”

Castiel nodded. “I’m okay,” he said, and his voice was steadier than it had been in days. “Sorry for worrying you.”

“It’s cool, man,” Dean smiled slightly at Cas below him. “Sorry for bursting in on you like that.”

Cas shrugged. “I don’t mind.” He yawned. “I’m tired,” he sighed.

Dean nodded. “Okay, you wanna go back to bed?”

“Yes. Can you get me a towel?” Cas asked, starting to stand, unsteadily.

Dean quickly averted his eyes, turning to retrieve a towel. “Uh, sure,” he said, grabbing the nearest one. “Here,” he held the towel out, looking pointedly away from Castiel.

He took the towel. “Thank you.”

When Dean glanced back, the towel was safely secured around the other man’s hips – although that didn’t stop Dean from seeing more of the man than he ever had before.

And maybe it was inappropriate, considering the circumstances, but god, what he saw was glorious. Castiel was toned, but not overly so. He was slightly tanned, but much of that smooth skin was obscured by his tattoos. Dean had glimpsed some sort of feathers on his back before, and seen some flowers poking out from the arms of his t-shirts, but this; this was magnificent. Spreading across one shoulder was an artful tangle of flowers – trailing down over his left pectoral. His nipples were pierced (which, oh _god_ , but now was definitely not the time), and leading down from the flowers was an entire landscape; with birds, and vines, and it was all a beautiful explosion of colour. Down past his navel there was some sort of curling smoke which led—  
Dean realised he had been staring. His head snapped back up to Cas’ face, but he seemed too exhausted and zoned out to notice. Still, Dean blushed.

“Let’s ah, let’s go,” he said, turning to leave the bathroom.

 

At around one in the afternoon, Castiel threw up. And didn’t stop until midnight. Dean sat with him for the most part – rubbing his back in soothing motions while Castiel’s empty stomach uprooted itself.

At thirteen minutes past twelve, Cas fell asleep on the bathroom floor. He was pale and drawn out, and looked more fragile than Dean had ever seen him. He stood and lifted Cas into his arms, carrying him through to Dean’s bed, and tucking him in. His breathing was even and his temperature seemed back to normal, at least. He just had to be okay. Dean leaned down and placed a kiss on his forehead. And, god, he had to stop doing that. Cas had a boyfriend. Speaking of, where was Balthazar now? Sure as hell not helping Cas out of his own personal hell. But still, that didn’t matter. They were together – and Dean couldn’t change that, no matter how much he wanted to.

But shit, he wanted to. He wanted Cas, all of him, all to himself. He wanted him now, while he was dying, he wanted him a week ago, when the two of them had been sitting in this very room and laughing about something on TV. He would want him in a month, or in six, Dean realised.

It should be said, that when Dean falls – really _lets himself_ fall – he falls hard. And fuck, Dean had fallen for Castiel. He was pacing now, pulling at his hair anxiously. When did this happen? He asked himself. Sure, Cas had been attractive, and funny, and brilliant – but when had it become more than that?

“Dean?” His pacing was ceased by Castiel’s sleepy voice from the bed.

“Yeah Cas?” Dean replied.

“Come back to bed.”

“Yeah, yeah okay,” he sighed and felt all the tension and fear drain out of him at that – at that one, small, voice – because Cas needed him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ooooooh a beginning??


	13. Chapter 13

It wasn’t until a full twenty-four hours had passed that Dean began to see what looked like the light at the end of the tunnel. Cas had slept soundly for most of last night, and Charlie had come by an hour ago to drop off some pancakes. She hadn’t stayed for long, she said she was on her way to go to a roller derby with Dorothy, but that she’d come back later if Castiel was okay with that. He had said he’d text her.

Dean stared longingly at the stack of pancakes sitting on the desk. He could smell them from across the room, but had promised himself to wait to eat them until Cas woke up.

It turned out he didn’t have to wait long. A few minutes later Dean heard a mumbled, “pancakes?” from the bed, and watched Cas sit up. His hair was sticking up at odd angles, and the sheets were wrapped around him like a cocoon. Dean shook his head to wipe the fond smile from his lips.

“Mornin’ sunshine. Charlie dropped ‘em off,” he said, wheeling his chair over to take the saran wrap off the pancakes.

Cas yawned widely, throwing the sheets he was entangled in off frustratedly. He was dressed in a pair of Dean’s sweatpants and a Lord of the Rings shirt Charlie had got him last year. After showering the other day, his old clothes had been deemed unusable. It definitely didn’t have anything to do with Dean wanting to see him in his clothes. Nothing at all.

“Remind me to hug her next time I see her,” Cas moved over to the food and grabbed a pancake, devouring it quickly.

“Actually,” Dean started, somewhat hesitant, “she said she might come by later today, if that’s okay with you.”

Castiel didn’t answer for a few moments, chewing on his second pancake thoughtfully. Finally, he nodded. “Okay, yeah,” he said.

“Really?” Dean asked. “I mean, are you sure?”

Cas looked at him. “Dean, I’ve been cooped up in here for days with only you for company. Which is fine, but I’m honestly not complete sure you aren’t just a figment of my imagination at this point.”

Dean huffed a laugh. “I’m pretty sure I’m real. But okay, I’ll text her.”

They sat in companionable silence for a few more minutes before Dean asked, “so, how are you feeling?” He was slightly afraid of the answer.

Castiel finished chewing before he spoke. “Like I’ve been hit by a car.”

Dean’s heart sank. Maybe Cas wasn’t as close as ‘back to normal’ as he’d hoped.

“Which,” Cas added, “is relatively fucking amazing.” He let out a small sigh of laughter.

“What?” Dean asked, frowning.

“Dean,” Cas looked pained, eyes averted to the floor, “the past few days have been literal hell for me.” He shrugged, “sure, I’m exhausted, and my muscles hurt, and I think I might be going insane, but I’ve felt all that before. Well, in normal life – y’know?”

“Not really,” Dean chuckled awkwardly. “But… yeah. I think I get what you mean.” Neither of them spoke until Dean added, “I mean, I’m talking to you, that’s gotta be good sign. Right?”

“Exactly,” Cas said with a small smile.

  
After the pancakes had been finished, Cas had asked to watch TV, and Dean had, of course, complied. However, unfortunately, this gave Dean time to actually think. In the blur of the last few days, he had somehow forgotten that Castiel would (hopefully) get better. And now, as Dean fiddled with the weight of his cell phone in his hand, only a pillow separating him from Castiel’s warmth, his mind wandered back to the times two days ago – that he’d called Cas ‘baby’. What the fuck was that?! And he’d kissed him. Sure, it was hardly spectacular; just a peck on the lips, but Cas had a boyfriend for fuck’s sake! Dean sighed and dragged a hand across his face.

“Dean? Is everything alright?” Cas asked from next to him. And fuck, he had the most earnest and concerned look in his kind, blue eyes – and Dean felt like he had taken advantage of Cas and-

“Cas, I’m so sor-“ he was cut off by a knock at the door.

Charlie’s voice called out, “ _Deeean?_ ” Her smile audible from the other side of the door.

“You gonna get that?” Cas asked, and Dean realised that he was just sitting and staring at Cas.

“Right, yeah.” He shook his head and stood, walking over to his sock drawer where the key was hidden. He’d moved it a few times, just to be sure Cas wouldn’t find it.

As soon as he’d unlocked the door, Charlie was wrapping her small but strong arms around him.

“Woah, hey,” Dean laughed, reciprocating the hug. “You know you saw me this morning, right?”

Charlie scoffed, breaking the hug. “Barely. For like, five seconds!” She said. “It feels like I haven’t seen you in forever.” She was smiling, but Dean saw the apprehension in her eyes when she asked, “how’s our soldier?”

Dean nodded, “he’s doing better.”

“You guys know I can hear you, right?”

Dean turned and saw Cas leaning against the wall behind him.

“Hey Cas!” Charlie grinned and rushed forward to throw herself at Cas – who groaned in pain, but was laughing as he wrapped his arms around Charlie.

“Hey Charlie.”

 

After greetings had been made, it was discovered that Charlie had brought Chinese takeout. Once it had been dished out, the three of them sat around chatting and eating. Dean was glad that Charlie hadn’t asked for any more information on Cas – since he’d only told her the bare minimum – but she seemed happy to make conversation about TV shows, Dorothy, and things that had happened in the past few days.

It was surprisingly refreshing – actually hanging out with another person, after almost a week of only an unsociable Cas. And Dean could tell he felt it too – he kept seeing Cas’ small smiles at the two of them.

“So how was the roller derby?” Dean asked through a mouthful of chicken chow-mien.

Charlie threw her hand up in exasperation. “Terrible!” she said. “Dor had to leave half way through – some emergency at her work – and when I was taking off my rollerblades I tripped and bruised all up my arm.” She paused to sip her lemonade, “and the worst part – no Dor to kiss it better!” she laughed.

Dean couldn’t stop his gaze flicking to Cas at that – which turned out to be a bad idea, as Cas was looking straight at him, forkful of food poised half way to his mouth. When their eyes locked, Dean watched Castiel’s eyes widen, like he’d just realised something.

Dean coughed and looked away. “That sucks, Char.” He brought a hand up to rub the back of his neck.

“Hey, we should all go soon!” Charlie exclaimed.

“Yeah, that would be fun,” Dean said, still slightly distracted.

“You _sound_ ecstatic,” Charlie deadpanned.

Dean chuckled. “Sorry,” he said. “Really, that sounds awesome.”

“I know it does.” Charlie eyed Dean suspiciously. “Are you okay, Dean?”

“Yeah, yeah. Just tired,” Dean lied, smiling.

Charlie looked like she didn’t believe him, but let it go, instead changing the subject. “Hey, Cas, have you heard about the pride parade next week?”

Castiel looked up, slightly startled. “Uh, no. How did you know I’m into guys?” he asked, puzzled.

Charlie laughed, “you were definitely checking out Captain America’s ass that one time,” she said.

“Right. Sorry, I'm still kinda out of it.” Cas chuckled. 

“Yeah well it’s next Saturday,” Charlie said. “Me and Dor are gonna go – you should think about it, if you’re feeling up to it.” She grinned.

“I’ll think about it,” Cas replied, smiling. “I’ve only ever been once before,” his smile seemed to turn sad, “perhaps it’s time to try again.”

Dean cleared his throat, heart beating faster in his chest as he spoke. “Hey, am I not invited?” he asked, grinning nervously.

“Oh, as an ally?” Castiel said, eyes downcast.

“Nah, I mean,” Dean paused, words caught in his throat. Now or never. “I like guys.”

At that moment, Castiel started choking on his noodles. Dean leaned over to pat him on the back, frowning concernedly.

“What?” Cas coughed, reaching for his drink.

“I, uh, I’m bisexual – I guess?” Dean said unsurely.

“Oh,” Castiel said weakly. “Okay.”

Charlie clapped her hands together. “Of course you’re invited Dean!” She squealed. “I just didn’t want to out you in case you weren’t already.”

“Yeah, I, uh, I wasn’t.”

  
Charlie left an hour or so later – and Dean and Castiel readied themselves for bed. Although Dean could tell Cas was tired, and sore, he seemed incredibly close to his old self again; for which Dean was overwhelmingly relieved. Dean collapsed into bed first, tireder than he felt he should have been. He was almost asleep by the time Cas crawled in beside him – but was rudely awoken by Castiel’s phone ringing loudly.

Cas groaned and reached for it, before throwing it towards the door.

“Who was it?” Dean mumbled.

Cas sighed. “Balthazar.”

“Oh,” Dean opened his eyes, watching the back of Castiel’s head intently. “Are you gonna go see him?” he asked nervously.

Cas turned over onto his back and glanced at Dean. “Why the fuck would I do that?”

“Y’know, ‘cause he’s your… boyfriend. Or whatever,” Dean said unsurely.

Castiel’s head turned so he could look at Dean. He gave him a weird look. “Balthazar isn’t my boyfriend, Dean.”

Dean frowned, his brain short-circuiting. “Um, yeah, he is,” Dean said, like it was obvious.

“Dean,” Castiel laughed in disbelief, eyebrows raised. “No he isn’t. I think I’d know.”

“But… but…” Dean’s mouth didn’t want to cooperate with his brain. “That night I walked in on you two...”

“Okay so we fucked a few times – that’s all.” Cas rolled his eyes

Dean tried to make his mouth form words, but failed. “Oh,” was all he managed.

After a few moments of silence, Cas spoke again. “You… thought we were dating?”

Dean huffed a self deprecating laugh. “Well, yeah.”

“Huh,” he said, before rolling over and apparently going to sleep.

Dean didn’t sleep, though. He couldn’t. Cas and Balthazar weren’t dating. It was a revelation. It changed everything.

Or did it?

Castiel didn’t have a boyfriend, but still hadn’t made a move on Dean, or anything of the kind. Maybe Balthazar had just been an excuse because Dean really, _really_ liked Castiel – but Cas didn’t want him; not like that. Dean felt that familiar hurt begin to claw around his insides as he lay beside the man he longed for.

Cas rolled over suddenly, and wrapped an arm around Dean, face nuzzling into Dean’s neck.

Dean’s breath caught in his throat, it felt like he was suffocating. Because this – _this_ was what he wanted. Desperately, he wished he could have this – but he just couldn’t. He felt tears prick at the corners of his eyes and wiped them away angrily with his free hand. He wouldn’t sink that low. He refused. He glanced down at Cas, who tightened his grip slightly, frowning, and muttered a quiet, “Dean.”

And just like that, Dean felt a spark of hope ignite deep in his chest. He took a deep breath, filling his depraved lungs, and felt a tear slip down his cheek. It had been a long and exhausting week, so sue him.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> They're getting there ;) Also, thank you guys for your amazing comments, they always make my day :D  
> -B


	14. Chapter 14

When Dean woke up, the first thing he noticed was that he was alone. As in, totally alone. He sat up and looked around – but didn’t see any trace of Castiel. The first, familiar tendrils of fear started to rise in his chest.

“Cas?” he called, standing.

There was no reply, and Dean rushed over to see an empty bathroom. Trying the front door, he found it unlocked – and realised that he must have forgotten to lock it after Charlie left yesterday. “Shit,” he muttered. He didn’t really think that Cas would have done something stupid like go to Balthazar, but he couldn’t help but worry.

Just as he was about to leave the room and start searching, it opened, revealing a flustered looking Cas – carrying two plates of eggs and bacon.

“Cas,” Dean sighed in relief.

“Dean, you okay?” Cas asked, struggling to balance the plates as he closed the door.

“Yeah man – you just... you left,” Dean explained.

Cas looked sheepish. “Right,” he said. “I meant to get back before you woke up, but the first two attempts wouldn’t cooperate.” He shoved one of the plates at Dean with an apologetic smile. “Side note; there may be some burnt bacon in the kitchen.”

“Uh, thanks,” Dean said, a smile teasing at the side of his lips. “How are you feeling?” He asked as he made his way over to his bed, Castiel following behind.

He nodded. “Pretty good,” Cas said, taking a bite of toast with eggs. He chewed for a moment before giving Dean a thumbs up. “Not inedible!” he proclaimed, grinning.

Dean chuckled and looked down at the food. It did look pretty good. He took a bite, and they were some of the best eggs and bacon Dean had ever tasted. “Cas!” he exclaimed.

“Yeah?”

“These are amazing,” Dean said, shovelling more into his mouth. “Where’d you learn to make food this good?"

“Uh, an ex, actually.” Cas averted his gaze to the food.

“Balthazar?”

Cas rolled his eyes. “I told you, Dean, Balthazar and I were never a thing. No, it was a guy called Sam,” Cas said it casually, but Dean could sense the pain in his words.

“Ahh,” Dean nodded in understanding.

Cas looked at him suddenly. “Anna told you,” he stated coldly.

“Yeah she did, but she only told me what she had to,” Dean argued. “Really, Cas.” 

“She didn’t have to tell you that.”

“She wanted to make me understand,” Dean said softly.

Cas shook his head and stood up abruptly, putting down his now empty plate with a loud clatter.

Instinctually, Dean reached out and grabbed Castiel’s wrist – afraid of the other man leaving. Cas looked down at Dean’s hand sadly. “I just need a minute,” he explained, meeting Dean’s eyes to show he was sincere.

Dean let go reluctantly and watched Cas go into the bathroom and shut the door. He ran a hand through his hair, regret pulsing through him as fresh as it was when Cas walked out the first time. Dean finished his breakfast, and piled his plate on top of Castiel’s, beginning to prepare some sort of apology.

When Cas came out of the bathroom a few minutes later, he headed straight towards the door.

“Cas?” Dean asked, urgently.

Cas paused, hand poised on the handle. He sighed. “I’m just going for a cigarette.”

Dean still looked apprehensive.

“Look, come with me, if you have to,” Cas said, exasperated.

Dean stood and followed Castiel across the hall to his dorm, untouched from when Anna left days before. Cas grabbed his coat from where it was hanging over his chair, and climbed onto his desk, wrenching the window open and climbing onto the flat roof outside.

Dean followed suit, somewhat less elegantly than Cas. Dean had never been up here before – the window in his room only looked out onto the street below. From here though, Dean could see a small copse of trees beside an even smaller lake, shimmering in the morning sun. Dean sat against a brick wall, beside Cas, who was just lighting his cigarette, legs stretched out in front of him, socked toes wiggling in the cool air. Dean watched his eyes slip shut as he took a drag, and as usual, Dean felt guilty for admiring how sexy that was.

As Castiel blew the smoke out from between his lips, he opened his eyes again, a faraway look on his face.

“You kissed me,” he stated.

Dean hadn’t expected this. My now. He felt his heart tighten painfully and he swallowed nervously, then cleared his throat. “I did.”

Cas looked down at hands, playing with the cigarette carton. “Why?”

Dean shrugged. “You were in pain.”

“I don’t think that’s the whole truth,” Cas said softly. Then, quieter, “I don’t want to think that’s the whole truth.”

“I was scared,” Dean admitted, unsure of what Cas was trying to say. “I didn’t want to lose you.”

“You did it for me, then?” Castiel’s voice had a hint of sadness.

Dean shook his head. “No. Not completely.” He felt his heart hammering against his ribs, and the adrenaline coursing through him. Something told him that this was it. That he was going to tell Cas everything.

“So why?” Cas looked up at Dean with his stunningly blue eyes, pleading for an answer.

Dean felt frozen under the gaze, but his mouth formed words. “Because I was selfish. Because I wanted to. Because I was afraid you were dying, and I didn’t want you to die before I had the chance to kiss you,” Dean wanted to shut up, but found he couldn’t. “I’m sorry, Cas, I really am. You weren’t-“

“Shut up, Dean,” Cas breathed, hands shaking where he was holding his cigarette. “You saved my life. You don’t get to apologise.”

Before Dean could comprehend what had been said, Cas was leaning forward, lips pressing soft but urgent against Dean’s. It felt like his heart was about to burst, and his head was swimming, but his lips moved on autopilot; pressing back against Cas’.  
And this was so, so much better that the last – Cas was there, and lucid, and quietly encouraging with his hands splayed across Dean’s back, cigarette forgotten about on the roof beneath them. Still, it was tentative and chaste, but it was sure. Castiel tasted of cigarettes and breakfast, lips soft but confident, and Dean could feel his lip ring pressing against his mouth. It was oddly nice. Cas broke away first, taking a deep breath, eyes still closed.

“Am I still hallucinating?” Cas asked, before laughing, forehead falling against Dean’s, breath warm on Dean’s face.

“Unless I am too, I think this is real,” Dean said, in slight disbelief, grinning.

“Holy shit.”

“Yeah,” Dean breathed, “holy shit.”

Cas kissed him once more, quickly, before sitting back and pocketing his cigarettes. “Uh, okay,” he said, eyes darting between Dean’s. “I didn’t really think this would ever happen. What now?”

Dean stood up, and reached down to help Cas up. “I dunno about you, but I’d quite like to kiss some more.”

Castiel grinned. “That sounds like a good idea.”

“Let’s go inside?” Dean suggested, giddy with excitement and shock.

Cas nodded, following Dean inside without letting go of his hand.

Once they were inside, Dean was back on Cas immediately, crowding him back into the desk. Once they were a fraction of an inch apart, and he could see Cas in more detail than he ever had before, he spoke. “Hey.”

“Hey,” Cas replied softly, breath ghosting over Dean’s lips.

“Can I kiss you?” Dean asked – revelling in the words.

Cas grinned, and instead of replying, he closed the gap between them. Dean couldn’t stop smiling onto the kiss – until he felt Cas run his tongue along the seam of Dean’s lips. Dean let him in without hesitation, allowing him access eagerly. He moved a hand to Castiel’s hair – it was soft and shorter than anyone’s Dean had ever kissed before. Cas moaned quietly into the kiss and moved a hand to Dean’s back, pulling him forwards until Cas fell back onto his bed; breaking apart the kiss. Dean grinned and crawled on top of the other man, arms on either side of his head. They both just grinned at each other for a few moments, basking in the moment, before Dean’s resolve broke and he leaned down to press his lips against Cas’.

Dean allowed his body to fall flat against Castiel’s, and only hesitated once he felt the hardness pressing into his hip.

This was new. Fun; but completely uncharted.

Cas seemed to sense Dean’s uncertainty and broke away, eyes locking with Dean’s.

“You okay?” He asked, slightly breathless.

“Yeah,” Dean grinned sheepishly. “It’s just… I’ve never done this before,” he admitted.

Cas raised an eyebrow. “Slept with a guy?”

Dean chuckled nervously. “Slept with, dated, kissed. You name it.”

“I thought you said you were bisexual?” Cas asked, curiosity, but no judgement in his voice.

“Yeah, uh, I am. But that’s all kinda new.”

“How new?”

“Well, about since I met you,” Dean admitted, and he could feel a blush blossoming across his cheeks. He dropped his gaze to Castiel’s chest.

“Oh,” Cas said, eyebrows raised in surprise. “That’s okay, we can take it slow. Whatever you want.” He smiled.

“Okay, thanks Cas,” Dean said, grinning.

“Of course,” Cas smiled back. “If I’m being honest, this is a little overwhelming for me, too.”

Dean cocked his head to the side. “I know you’ve done this before,” he said.

Cas chuckled. “Yeah, I have, it’s just… The last week or so I have had some crazy fever dreams, and it’s kinda hard to tell if this is actually real. It sure as hell doesn’t seem logical.”

“Why not?”

Cas laughed self consciously. “Come on, the guy I’ve been lusting after for months suddenly kisses me, after watching me vomit, and cry, and fuck myself up for a week? Bullshit.”

“Months, huh?” Dean teased, smirking coyly.

Cas rolled his eyes. Shut up,” he mumbled, a faint pink colouring his cheeks.

Dean leaned down to kiss Cas softly before saying, “well I don’t know about you, but this sure as hell feels real to me.”

Cas smiled up at Dean in wonder, before nodding, “Yeah, it does,” and leaning up to capture Dean’s lips again.

 

They were interrupted an indeterminate number of minutes or hours later by Dean’s phone ringing. Dean groaned in frustration and broke away, only to be pulled back down by Cas. Dean made an indignant noise and pulled away again, laughing.

Cas frowned at him.

“I know, I know,” Dean said, smiling at Cas’ messy hair. “Trust me, I wouldn’t have stopped if it wasn’t Sammy.”

Cas sighed but seemed to understand, sitting up, and Dean noticed him shift himself in his pants. Dean couldn’t deny that their teenage-style make out session had got him more than a little worked up himself, but he’d denied himself the pleasure – he definitely wasn’t ready, he had decided. Dean took a few moments to collect himself before answering the phone; his brain had apparently turned to mush.

“Hey Sammy,” he said, proud of his steady voice.

“Dean? I didn’t interrupt something did I?”

Goddamn Sam and his superhuman mind-reading skills. “Uh, actually yeah, kinda,” Dean admitted.

“Oh, god, ew!” Sam exclaimed. “It’s barely midday, Dean, god.”

“What? No!” Dean protested. “It was just, it was nothing. Just – why did you call?”

“Are you at least with Castiel?” Sam asked, ignoring the question.

“What?!” Dean asked, too loudly. “How did you…”

“You are!” Sam exclaimed happily. “God, finally. How long has this been going on?”

“What? I don’t…” Dean’s brain couldn’t catch up with what was happening. Sure, Sam knew his brother well, but this was just ridiculous. “How did you know?!”

“Come on, Dean – it’s been a long time coming. And I know you and you monogamous heart – if it wasn’t Castiel it was no one. So how long has it been a thing?” he asked excitedly.

Dean glanced back at a Cas, who was leaning back against the wall and watching Dean. “Look, I don’t even know if it is a _thing_ , thing, Sam!” he hissed. “But if you’ve gotta know, we kissed a few hours ago, and Cas is sitting right next to me so if you don’t shut up I’m gonna go all the way to California and shut you up!”

“Oh!” Sam said in surprise. “I didn’t realise it would take the two of you this long to sort your shit out,” Sam laughed evilly, and Dean frowned.

“Tell me why you called, or I swear to god I’ll hang up,” he growled. He could hear Cas trying not to laugh behind him.

“Okay, okay, jeez. I just wanted to see how you were doing, man. The last thing I heard from you was a text saying you’d found Cas – I was worried.”

“Right,” Dean glanced back at Cas. “He’s… he’s doin’ better. I think.” Cas nodded, smiling softly.

“That’s great, that’s really great,” Sam said. “Well tell him I said hi, and I’ll let you two get back to… whatever.”

Dean sighed dramatically, but didn’t argue. “I will. See ya Sam.”

“Bye Dean.”

He hung up and tossed the phone onto the bed beside him. “Sam says hi,” he said, turning to Cas.

“I gathered,” Cas replied, grinning slyly. “I could hear most of that conversation.”

Dean groaned and flopped down onto the bed, covering his face with his hands. “Really?”

“’Fraid so.” Cas replied, and Dean felt the bed shift.

Before he could say anything else, Dean’s hands were being moved from his face, revealing Cas above him. He suddenly went serious. “We don’t have to do this now, but… are we a thing, Dean?”

“Do you wanna be a thing, Cas?” Dean was nervous, but somehow calm at the same time.  
Cas looked away, biting his lip ring anxiously. “Dean…” he began, pained. “I like you as more than a friend, and I like you as more than a fling, but I don’t know if I’m ready to be a... a thing.”

Dean couldn’t help the disappointment blossom in his chest. He nodded, about to speak when Castiel went on to explain, “you know my past. Anna told you. And you know that that broke me.” His voice was strained, and Dean could tell this made Cas uncomfortable, but he carried on. “And I know it’s not like we’re getting married, but…” Dean felt his heart do a little flip at that. “I just need to adjust, okay?” Cas looked back down at Dean, clearly afraid of Dean’s reaction.

“Of course, Cas.” Dean smiled. “Whatever you need.”

Relief poured into Cas’ expression, and Dean thought he saw his eyes get a little glassy, but before he could be sure, Castiel was leaning down to capture Dean’s lips in a kiss that was full of gratitude and promise. It made Dean’s stomach twist, but in a good way, and he grinned against Castiel’s lips before submitting to the kiss.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Squee!


	15. Chapter 15

Last night they had ordered pizza and tried to watch Game of Thrones, but if they were being honest, they had mostly just got distracted by each other’s hands and lips and touch. It was still all so new, and Cas felt giddy even now, looking at Dean sleeping beside him, safe in the knowledge that now he could touch, and explore. They’d slept in the same bed last night, as they had for the past week or so, but this time Cas wasn’t afraid to rest his head on Dean’s chest and just breathe him in. Dean hadn’t seemed to mind either.

Castiel had woken, painfully hard, in the morning; but was content to leave it alone, because Dean wanted to take it slow. And Cas was still tired, and achey, more so than he’d admit to Dean. But his mind was clearer than it had been for a while; which was a relief. Castiel had been so scared that if he’d fall asleep, it would all have been gone when he woke up. Life tended to be cruel like that. But it hadn’t – beyond reason, Dean was still there.

It was past eleven, but Cas didn’t want to wake Dean, he looked too peaceful, his eyelashes spread gracefully over his cheeks, his beautiful lips slightly parted with each breath. Cas still couldn’t really believe it – that he had kissed those lips; that he could kiss them again. It was all quite overwhelming.

Dean was rudely awoken anyway a few moments later by the alarm on his own cell phone blaring some classic rock song Cas didn't know. He snuffled and groaned, rolling over and reaching an arm across Cas to grab for his phone and shut it up. With that, Dean inelegantly crawled over Cas and stood up on unsteady feet, stumbling into the bathroom. Cas frowned slightly and rolled to his feet, stretching, before picking up his own phone. It told him the time was only a little after eight – so Cas tossed the phone down and flopped onto his back on the bed. Dean’s not so talkative start to the day puzzled him, Dean appeared to be much more of a morning person than Cas – and he worried something was bothering him. Was it Cas? Had Dean changed his mind and been too awkward to tell him outright, so hid in the bathroom? Was yesterday just Dean experimenting with guys, and now he was gonna walk out and break Cas’ heart as he went?

He sat up, preparing himself for Dean’s inevitable departure, when the bathroom door opened. Dean was rubbing a hand over his face, sighing loudly before looking at Cas. Shit, he was right – Dean was gonna leave him and-

Dean frowned deeply when he saw Castiel's face, suddenly walking over. “Cas?” he asked, concern in his voice.

“It’s okay, Dean,” Cas said, hurt gripping his heart. “You can go, I understand.”

“I… I’ll be back later,” Dean said, still sounding confused. “I totally forgot that I had to go back to work today, but it’s only ‘till one so we could hang out after?”

Oh. _Oh_.

“Oh,” Cas voiced, looking up at Dean, relief flooding into him.

Dean seemed to be searching his face for something. “Unless you don’t want to,” he said, unsurely.

Castiel’s eyebrows shot up. “No, no – I want to.” He smiled, trying to reassure Dean.

“Okay, I gotta get dressed.” Dean turned, somewhat reluctantly, to the door. “I’ll text you as soon as I’m out.”

“Okay, cool.”

Dean hesitated by the door, suddenly nervous. “Cas…” he began. “You’re gonna be okay, right? You’re not gonna do anything dumb?”

Cas felt sick knowing that Dean had to ask that. He looked to the floor, shame gnawing at his stomach. “I’ll be fine.” He chewed on his lip ring.

Dean still wasn’t moving, so he looked up slowly.

“I promise,” he added, with a smile. “Get back here so I can kiss you goodbye?” he grinned, breaking the tension.

Dean huffed and strode back over to the bed. “Lazy fucker,” he muttered, but bent down to kiss Cas all the same, breaking apart with a smile. “I’ll see you later. Eat something. Call Charlie if you want – she’s free today.” With that, Dean was gone out the door and Cas was left properly alone for the first time in about two weeks.

He looked around at his room. Dean’s air mattress still lay on the floor, sheets rumpled and unmade, a reminder of Anna. There were also a few old plates and some other trash littered around the room. Cas sighed and stood, rubbing his temples. He hadn’t lied when he’d told Dean he would be fine. The itch wasn’t gone – it felt like it never would be gone; not completely. But it was entirely manageable, besides, Cas had felt it before – he could deal with it again. Distractions helped. Slowly, Cas began to tidy his room, rolling up the now deflated air mattress and putting it, with the sheets, by the door to return to Dean when he came back. He took the plates and utensils to the kitchen, and did all the dishes, and by the time ten o’clock rolled around, his place was looking pretty neat. For Cas, anyway.

With nothing more to occupy his mind and hands with, he grabbed his carton of cigarettes and threw on some jeans, making for the door. He still had a few hours until Dean’s shift would be over, and decided to go for a walk. Although he wasn’t stressed, he still took his cigarettes. He was always an addict – always would be, always needed one kind of vice when he wasn’t relying on another. He thought it might be part of why he had so many tattoos. But then again, he thought, rubbing his forearms, that wasn’t the whole reason.

Fingering the cigarettes in his pocket absent-mindedly and habitually, Cas walked though he streets, basking in the morning sunlight. It felt good to be outside again. It felt good to be alive again.

 

He found his feet had taken his straight to Crowleys Croissants, and he paused for only a moment before pushing through the glass door. It was only the third time he’d ever been in here, but he remembered the homely, pleasant smell from before. Dean looked up at the sound of the door opening, his customer-greeting face morphing into a grin when he saw Cas.

“Can’t stay away from me, huh?” he teased, leaning over the counter. There were only an elderly couple at a corner table to spectate – and Dean appeared to not care.

Cas feigned apathy. “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” he shrugged. “We’re out of coffee.”

Dean smirked, straightening up. “Fine, play it that way. What can I get you, _sir_?”

Cas raised an eyebrow. “I’d be careful saying things like that.”

“Why?” Dean asked, confused.

Cas bent over the counter, leaning in conspiratorially. “Because,” he said. “I might like it.”

Dean blushed and stepped to the coffee machine, clearing his throat. “You want coffee or not?” He asked, gruffly, but Cas saw the glint of humour in his eyes.

“Yes please.”

“Black, no sugar?” Dean asked.

Cas smiled fondly. “Perfect.”

“Comin’ right up.” Dean busied himself with making the coffee while Cas waited patiently nearby, scanning the room out of curiosity. The first time he’d been here he hadn’t really had a chance to look around, and the second he couldn’t remember very well; having been inebriated at the time. The place looked nice, though. There was a little nook in each corner with armchairs and a low table, and the rest were regular café seats. There were hanging plants dotted around, and Cas would probably find the whole place pretentious if it wasn’t Dean behind the counter.

“Here ya go.” Dean interrupted his inner monologue, pushing a mug of steaming coffee over to Cas.

“Presumptuous,” Cas said, teasingly. “Who said I was staying?”

Dean grinned. “Maybe I’m holding you here hostage so I don’t die of boredom.”

“Fair enough. What do I owe you?” Cas started to rummage in his pockets, before suddenly realising he didn’t bring his wallet.

Dean shrugged. “It’s on me.”

“Dean, you don’t have to…”

“It’s my pleasure. I’d much rather support your caffeine addiction than any others.”

“Oh so now you’re allowed to joke?” Cas laughed, taking a sip of the coffee.

Dean shook his head, stuffing some dollar bills into the cash register. “It was a one-time thing, I promise."

Cas shrugged. “Not like I care.”

There was a pause, an unreadable expression on his face, before Dean changed the topic. “So what do you wanna do when I get outta here?” he asked. “Charlie texted saying she wanted to hang out, but I can blow her off if you want.”

“I don’t exactly know what we’re doing about exclusivity, Dean, but I think all parties involved would rather you didn’t blow Charlie off.”

Dean snorted before bursting into laughter. Cas smirked over his coffee cup. “I’m cool with hanging out with them. Just as long as I get you later.”

Dean’s smile appeared to catch him off guard as he tried to school it in immediately, which was futile. “Okay, I’ll tell her.”

 

Cas ended up staying with Dean until his shift ended, and Dean drove the two of them back to the dorms.

Dean was taking a shower in Cas’ bathroom, just because he could, and Cas was changing into something a little more presentable than jeans and a four day old shirt. He applied his signature eyeliner and slipped on his black leather boots, as well as his leather jacket. He hugged it around him, revelling in the surprising comfort that arose from these old clothes and habits. The last two weeks, really, had shaken Castiel more than he’d let on to Dean, and still, he wasn’t back to himself.

His thoughts were interrupted by knocking. It sounded like it was someone at Dean’s door, but Cas could still hear it; and he knew there was no one in Dean’s dorm. He stood up and walked over to the door. Outside, he found Charlie and Dorothy waiting outside Dean’s door.

Charlie turned around first, seeing Cas. “Hey Cas!” she said, grinning. “We thought you’d be with Dean.”

“I was, he’s showering,” Cas explained, gesturing back into his own room.

“ _Ohh_ ,” the girls nodded in understanding “Will he be long?” Dorothy asked.

Charlie made a face. “Dean won’t mind us leaving without him, right?” she said, loudly. grinning.

“Yes he will,” Dean’s voice came from behind Cas.

Castiel laughed and felt Dean rest his chin on Cas’ shoulder; immediately melting into the other man. “Hello Dean.” Cas could feel Dean’s wet hair, and wondered what exactly the other man was wearing.

Charlie and Dor exchanged a significant look, but said nothing, only smiled knowingly.

“So what’s the plan?” Dean asked, moving to stand next to Cas, shoulders touching. Cas found that Dean was in fact wearing jeans, but no shirt. This small fact alone made Cas’ heart rate double and blood rush to his groin, despite the fact he’d technically seen Dean shirtless when changing, now he was right there next to Cas.

“We were gonna see if Cas was up for going out? It’s been way too long since the four of us hung out together,” Charlie said brightly.

Dean looked at Cas, raising a questioning eyebrow.

“Yeah, I’m up for that,” Cas said. “As long as it’s not for too long. I’m still pretty fuckin’ tired.”

“Of course! Dor found this adorable little cake shop a few blocks away and we were waiting so we could go with you guys.”

“Sounds great, just let us get dressed and we can go.”

 

Dean drove them there in the Impala, but the closer they got to their destination, the more worried Cas became. What he hadn’t told the others, was that when he and Gabriel had moved here, Cas had signed up for classes at university, but Gabe had followed his dream – of opening a cake shop. Cas had only been there a few times, but he knew where it was, and they were drawing nearer. There couldn’t be that many cake shops in the area; which meant that Cas was gonna have to see Gabriel. He started to chew nervously on his lip ring, and his suspicious were confirmed when Dean pulled up outside the little shop. Dean commented on the little sign that said ‘Gabriel’s’ as the got out of the car, and Castiel just chuckled nervously, following Dean and the others inside. Upon entering, Cas heard his brother’s booming voice say, “Dean!” in surprise, before he came into sight.

Gabriel froze, hands raised, holding a tray of cupcakes. Cas could see the shock and hope in his brother’s eyes – and he just stood there, waiting for Gabe to do something – anything.

After what felt like an hour of holding his breath, Gabriel dropped the tray of cupcakes and lunged towards his brother, sweeping him up in is arms. All the air left Cas’ lungs – chased away by Gabe’s crushing hug.

“Cassie,” Gabe whispered into his shoulder. He pulled away from the hug, and held Cas at arms length, looking him over. “You’re okay,” he stated, in disbelief. He turned to Dean. “Me and Anna were wrong?”

Dean looked at him incredulously. “No, you were right.”

“Then… how?” Gabe turned back to Castiel.

Cas shrugged, not trusting his voice at that moment. “Dean,” he said simply.

Gabriel looked at Dean. “No,” he stated, “no, it took me ten months… how…”

“I was farther gone then.” Cas looked away in shame. “I didn’t want to be saved, then.”

Gabriel took a shaky breath. “You’re telling me he did this in a week?” he asked quietly.

Castiel nodded.

“How did… He can’t just…” Gabriel was starting to get angry, Cas could tell. He shrank back, almost unnoticeably.

But Dean noticed. “Hey,” he said, walking back to the brothers. He took Cas’ hand in his, and Cas was grateful. “Look, all that matters now is that he’s okay. Okay?” There was a challenge in his eyes as he looked at Gabriel, who seemed to deflate.

“Yeah, okay. Yeah,” he mumbled, staring at Castiel for a few more moments before turning and asking the apprehensive girls, “so did you guys come for some cakes or what?!” He grinned, switching back to his regular self with practised ease.

The tables were old-school diner booths, because it was was Gabriel and he had to mix it up a bit (honestly, Cas wouldn’t be surprised if there was a stripper pole somewhere in here). Dean and Cas sat on one side, with Dorothy and Charlie on the other. Gabe went all out on the cake-tasting experience, and Castiel wondered if it was a kind of apology for not staying with Cas. He didn’t need to apologise. It was Cas’ fault.

Dean kept catching Castiel’s eye, and Cas wanted nothing more than to kiss him right there in the shop. He didn’t, though. He could wait. Probably.

“Vanilla, strawberry, marshmallow extravaganza coming your way,” Gabe said, sliding a ridiculously tall cupcake towards Cas. The cake itself was regular sized, but there was a mountain of vanilla frosting heaped on top, and right on the peak was a strawberry.

“You’ve outdone yourself Gabriel,” Cas grinned, staring down the dessert. He gathered some frosting on a fingertip, before licking it off. And if he did so slightly more sensually than necessary once he realised Dean was watching, well, at least only Dean saw. “You want some?” Cas asked him, pushing the cake over to Dean.

“Thanks,” Dean said, picking it up and going straight in for a bite. When he put the cupcake down again, there was – surprisingly – only a tiny bit of frosting on the tip of Dean’s nose.

Cas grinned. “You’ve got a little…” he trailed off, gesturing at Dean’s face.

“Where, here?” Dean wiped his mouth, missing the frosting completely.

“No, up there.” Cas pointed at the frosting.

Dean smirked evilly. “Here?” he asked, rubbing his left cheek.

“Oh you wanna play that game?” Cas asked, voice low so only Dean could hear it.

Dean shrugged slightly and grinned, so Cas surged forward and licked the frosting off Dean’s face.

Once he had retreated, he saw that Dean was grinning even more widely. “That cake was really good, Cas, I think I’m gonna have some more.” Without breaking eye contact, he picked up the cake and took another bite, deliberately getting frosting on his chin.

Cas shrugged and leaned over, licking the frosting off his chin and, this time, kissing Dean chastely on the lips before returning to his seat.

There was a dramatic sigh from across the table. “Great. The two of you are a walking cliché,” Charlie said, rolling her eyes.

Dean blushed, and Cas wondered if he had forgotten they weren’t alone. “We’re no worse than you two when you were first together.”

Dorothy raised her eyebrows. “So you two are together? Like, officially?”

Dean glanced awkwardly at Cas. “Ah, well… not exactly. We’re just taking things slow.”

Cas smiled at him gratefully, taking his hand under the table.

Charlie nodded. “Sure, sure. Although you two have already been eye-fucking since you met, so I won’t be surprised if there’s a proposal soon.”

Dean laughed at that, and Cas smiled, but tensed. Dean seemed to notice and squeezed his hand comfortingly. It made Cas’ heart do a little flip in his chest, and he realised that maybe he wasn’t made uncomfortable by the whole proposal idea for the reasons he thought he was.

 

* * *

 

They parted ways with Charlie and Dorothy after tasting what had to be the whole shop’s wares. Castiel had been curled in on himself for the whole ride home, and Dean kept glancing over at him, worried.

“You okay there, Cas?” he finally asked.

Cas groaned. “My appetite isn’t what it used to be,” he explained. “I promise not to hurl in your baby, but I don’t promise not to once we get back.”

“That is not at all comforting.”

“Thanks for the sympathy,” Cas snapped.

Dean frowned. “Jeez, sorry man.”

Cas sighed. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean… I just hate feeling like shit," he grumbled.

“Don’t worry about it,” Dean said, pulling into his usual parking spot and unbuckling his seatbelt.

“Dean,” Cas reached out from where he was sitting. Dean looked into his eyes and found remorse. “I’m sorry. Really. I didn’t mean to say that.”

Dean smiled softly. “It’s okay, I get it.” He found Cas’ hand and gave it a squeeze. “You gonna be wanting dinner?”

Cas groaned again. “I can’t even think about food right now.”

Dean chuckled and got out of the car. “Did you at least have breakfast after I left?”

Cas paused before answering. “No, I forgot.”

“Only eating cakes all day isn’t good for you, dude.”

Cas snorted. “Whatever, _mom_ ,” he grumbled, following Dean inside the building, arms wrapped around himself.

Dean shrugged. “It’s true, but whatever – Cas wants to be all independent and rebellious.” His voice was teasing, but this was easy. Looking after people is what he was good for. Conflict; not so much, but mothering? He was born to do it.

So he made Cas stir-fry because it shouldn’t make Cas vomit, and they both just hung out for the rest of the evening.

 

By the time Dean would normally be getting tired, he was too busy definitely not being tired and kissing Cas senseless. He claimed he didn’t feel like shit anymore, and Dean was glad as he broke away from his lips to lave his tongue across Cas’ neck. He felt it ripple as Cas swallowed in anticipation or excitement, felt hands tangle into his short hair as Cas’ back arched up off the bed.

“Dean,” he groaned, “fuck.”

“Shh,” Dean paused his attentions to say, “I wanna make you feel good.” Because after all, that’s what he’s good at.

Dean latched back onto Castiel’s neck, intermittently adding little kitten licks. He could feel Cas getting worked up, and he was too, but that wasn’t what this was about. That wasn't the end goal. He genuinely just wanted Cas to feel good. His own fingers found Cas’ and tangled with them, adding a strange and soft kind of intimacy that Dean guessed they were both quite unfamiliar with. After sucking a mark onto Cas’ collarbone, exposed by his t-shirt, Dean brought Cas’ hand up to his mouth, kissing it, making Cas smile softly. Dean continued to place open-mouth kisses up Cas’ exposed arms. He realised that he’d never really seen Cas’ arm tattoos in detail – Cas normally wore long sleeves. Dean didn’t understand why – these were beautiful, some more tribal, some photorealistic people – until he got to Castiel’s forearms. Cas flinched slightly when reached the track marks there – some clearly more fresh than others. Dean looked up to see guarded eyes, but maintained eye contact to place kisses over the wounds. Maybe he tried to convey something in each soft touch, or maybe it was just a physical platitude, because Dean didn’t know what to think – but he knew he still wanted Cas to feel good, and it seemed to have the desired effect. Castiel’s features relaxed, and he smiled as Dean continued his way over any bare skin showing.

Once he made his way back to Cas’ lips they fell back into an easy rhythm. It was only a few minutes later that Cas broke away. “Thank you,” he said, voice husky with disuse.

Dean didn’t know what specifically he was being thanked for, but nodded and smiled.

Cas looked like he was going to say more, but seemed to change his mind. He cleared his throat. “Do you mind if we sleep now?”

“Of course,” Dean replied. “Whatever you want, Cas.” Dean sat up to shuck off his jeans, Cas doing the same, and they both lay down on Dean’s bed. Cas reached over to switch off the light, leaving them in near-pitch darkness.

Dean was on the verge of sleep – his mind doing that thing where it dreams even though the body’s awake – when Cas spoke. His voice was so quiet Dean barely heard it.

“Mine aren’t as bad as they should be,” he said. “Because I knew what I was doing.”

“Hm?” Dean hummed, rolling over to look at the silhouette of Cas’ face.

“The marks,” he explained. “Because I went to medical school I knew how to do it properly. Then again, so did some of the other guys, but them for other reasons.” He paused before adding, “still, ironic really.”

Dean’s brain was completely awake now. He was surprised Cas was talking about any of this – so far he’d kept almost completely quiet about the subject. But then again, it’s always easier in the dark. “Did you get the tattoos before or after?” Dean asked.

“After.” Cas shifted where he was lying, and Dean realised that he was feeling his own arms in the dark. “It doesn’t cover them up completely, it’s hard to cover scars – and it hurts like a bitch - but it helps.”

Dean made a noise of acknowledgment, but doesn’t speak, instead letting Cas talk if he wants.

They’re on my thighs too,” Cas admitted. “Thought I should tell you, y’know, just in case… And there are no tattoos there.”

Dean reached out to run his thumb over the other man’s cheek, only to find it wet. “Cas,” he said, voice cracking.

“Sorry.”

“Don’t apologise.”

Without another word, Cas rolled over into Dean’s arms and stayed there until his breathing evened out and Dean assumed he was asleep. Dean hugged him closer still, desperately wanting to protect this man. The more Cas let his walls down, the more he let Dean in, the more Dean wished he could make everything better. The best he could do right now was this; arms wrapped around Castiel’s muscled but fragile form, and for now, that would have to be enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for not updating on Sunday (normally it's Sundays and Wednesdays) but Christmas Eve and writer's block... seems like a good enough excuse. Anyway, I'm back - late merry Christmas if you celebrate it and if not merry holidays :) Also this chapter's pretty long to hopefully make up for it. Again, comments and kudos always make my day :D  
> -B


	16. Chapter 16

“Let me take you out tonight,” Dean announced from his place at the kitchen table. “After work. It’ll be our first proper date.”

Cas snorted, “I think it’s customary to have a first date before we grope each other.”

Dean chuckled, “yeah well,” he said, “we’re not very customary.”

“True,” Cas agreed, sliding a plate of toast over to Dean. “So where are you taking me?”

Dean shrugged. “Dinner? Movie? Walk on the beach at midnight?”

“Dean, we live in Austin,” Cas deadpanned.

“Right. I don’t know, man. I don’t know the protocol here.”

Cas gave him a look. “Come on, I know you’ve taken people on dates before,” he said through a mouthful of toast.

Dean rolled his eyes. “Yeah, girls.”’

“I can be pretty feminine.” Cas batted his eyelashes and Dean huffed a laugh.

“Whatever man. I just wanna do this right.”

Cas finished his mouthful before replying. “And you are, Dean. You’re doing great,” he stood to pull Dean’s face into a kiss. “And I’d enjoy anywhere you took me.”

Dean smiled widely. “Is that a challenge?”

“No!” Cas said warningly, stepping backward. “That was not a challenge, don’t you dare.”

Dean chuckled. “I wouldn’t. I’ll take you somewhere nice, Cas.”

“I know you will.”

 

“I’m thinkin’ something classic. Romantic,” Dean said, as he cleaned out the coffee machine for the second time that day.

“Uh huh,” Benny replied disinterestedly from the cash register.

“Come on Benny, I know you’re just as invested in my love life as I am.” He grinned as his friend rolled his eyes. “Okay, okay. Where’d you take Andrea on your first date?”

That perked Benny up. “You know I’m old fashioned, brother. I asked her to the movies.” He smiled almost like he didn’t know he was doing it. It had used to make Dean a little jealous – but this time it didn’t. Not that he dwelled on that for more than a millisecond.

“Okay, okay,” he chuckled. “But Cas isn’t exactly old-fashioned. He goes to raves and clubs on Tuesday afternoons.”

Benny shrugged. “You know him better than I do. And besides, _he_ picked _you_ , if the two of you are anything like me an’ Andrea – it won’t matter where you take him.”

Dean scoffed, turning back to the coffee machine. “We’re hardly like you and Andrea, Benny. We haven’t even been on one date.”

A long-suffering sigh came from beside Dean. “If you two don’t shut up about Dean’s new boyfriend and get some work done, I’ll demote you to dish-duty for the rest of the week,” Crowley’s English drawl came from the doorway to his office.

Dean snorted. “Then you wouldn’t have anyone to man the shop,” he said, but didn’t correct him about the ‘boyfriend’ part.

Crowley narrowed his eyes. “Then I’d hire a monkey – I’m sure it would do a better job than you.”

With that, the older man turned and retreated back into his office. He didn’t socialise all that much with his employees, but Dean had learned where to draw the line when it came to teasing his boss, so as not to actually get fired. He had the sneaking suspicion that he was actually _liked_ by Crowley, but of course, he would never let it on.

Dean snorted. “Does anyone even know that guy’s first name?” he asked at a slightly quieter register.

Benny chuckled. “Nah. It’s one of the world’s greatest mysteries.”

They each went back to doing their respective tasks for a while until Dean felt his phone buzz in his pocket.

He smiled down at it when he saw it was Cas, asking what he should wear on their date.

Benny snorted and turned to go back into the kitchens, but Dean heard him muttering under his breath, “not like me and Andrea my ass, brother.”

Dean felt himself blush slightly and shoved his phone back into his pocket. He could wait a while to reply to Cas. Probably.

* * *

 

Dean hadn’t replied to Cas’ text for an hour, but when he had, Cas followed the instructions to a T. Although his charcoal button-up was a little wrinkled from being under Castiel’s bed (don’t ask), and he had to substitute suit pants for some black jeans – he still cleaned up pretty well. The black waistcoat was a good choice, too. He slicked back his hair and made sure his eyeliner was neatly done, forgoing any loud belts or jewellery. Although he wasn’t _changing_ for another person, if Dean was taking him somewhere fancy he didn’t want to embarrass the other man.

As usual, he heard when Dean came home. Not only was the roar of the Impala mildly audible, but he heard Dean’s own door shut. He decided to wait to talk to Dean until he was ready to take them out – which turned out being a little under half an hour later. His phone told him the time was quarter past six. When he opened the door, Dean blatantly, unabashedly checked him out – not that Cas paid that much attention as he was doing the exact same thing. Dean was dressed in a navy button up and black dress pants, a few of his shirt buttons were undone, and Cas’ gaze got stuck staring at his collarbone for a minute.

“Damn Cas, you clean up nice,” Dean finally said, breaking the silence.

Cas smirked. “I could say the same for you.” He raised a hand to lightly brush Dean’s shirt before the other man leaned in and kissed him chastely.

“You ready to go?” he asked, almost nervously.

“Lead the way,” Cas smiled, and took Dean’s hand. It was all very _boyfriend-y,_ and it scared Cas to know that he was enjoying it immensely. Just the knowledge that Dean – his best friend, at least – was taking him out on a date, made his heart speed up and put a smile on his face. He didn’t exactly know why he told Dean he wasn’t ready to put a label on this yet, all he knew was that when the suggestion had been made, his head and his heart had freaked the fuck out. He wasn’t ready – but luckily Dean was perfect, and had been okay with that. For now, anyway. Cas didn’t want to keep him waiting though – and that had been playing on his mind more than a little lately. What if Dean wanted serious and Cas just couldn’t do it? He couldn’t bear to lose this – he couldn’t’ bear losing Dean in any capacity.

“Hey, you okay?” Dean asked once they were in the car. Cas realised he’d been stuck in his own head and nodded in an attempt to dispel his prior thoughts.

“Yes,” he replied honestly.

 

Dean drove them to some upscale restaurant across town. The interior was all deep reds and elegant lampshades. It was a little intimidating – reminding Cas sorely of his younger life. The maître d’ showed them to a secluded table near the back of the place, and as soon as they sat down, Cas started fidgeting.

“Hey,” Dean said softly. “What’s wrong?”

Cas rolled his eyes. “Nothing. I swear,” he said, and promised himself to shake out of it. He was on a date, with this gorgeous man who he also very well may be a little bit in love with but never mind that right now, sitting across from him, and he was damn well going to enjoy it.

“Have you been here before?” he asked after they’d been handed some menus.

Dean shook his head. “Nah. Never had the occasion.”

“It looks good,” Cas replied, scanning the menu.

“It probably does…”

“Probably?”

“It’s all in French, dude.” Dean laughed a little self-consciously.

“Hey, you chose the place,” Cas chuckled with him.

“Yeah but I guess I thought they’d have translations or some shit.”

“Here, I’ll order for you. We’re both having the bifteck hache.” Cas leaned over to take Dean’s menu from him and pile them on the edge of the table.

Dean raised an eyebrow. “You speak French?”

Cas grinned and looked down to his lap. “A little,” he admitted.

“You’d better not order snails for me or some shit.”

Cas laughed, possibly louder than was appropriate. “I won’t. Don’t worry – you’ll like it.”

A slim, pretty waitress came over to take their order. “Bonsoir monsieurs,” she began – and Dean gave Cas a worried look. Cas just grinned. “Vous avez fait un choix?”

Cas stepped in, putting on a slight French accent just to show off. “Oui, bonjour mademoiselle. Nous aimerions tous les doux le bifteck hache, et deux verres de cabernet sauvignon. Merci.”

The waitress smiled and nodded, before collecting the two menus and leaving. Upon looking back at Dean, Cas found he was being stared at. “What?” he asked, taking a sip of the complimentary water.

“Dude!” he spluttered. “ _A little_ French? That was awesome,” he said. “And extremely sexy,” he added, more quietly.

Cas grinned. “Cool, right? Although I doubt my parents would have been very happy to know  I’d be using my private tuition to pick up hot guys.”

Dean chuckled. “Hot, huh?”

Cas rolled his eyes. “You are and you know it. Shut up.”

 

It took a good while for the food to come, and when it was placed in front of them Dean looked pleasantly surprised.

“You know me too well,” he said, grinning, as he unfolded his napkin and draped it across his knees.

“Told you you’d like it.”

Dean nodded. “One problem, though.” Cas raised an eyebrow. “How the hell are you supposed to eat a burger in a fancy place like this?” he asked in a hushed voice.

Cas grinned and then said, “like this,” before grabbing his burger and taking a colossal bite out of it.

Dean burst out laughing. “If you say so,” he said, before picking up the burger and following Cas’ lead.

“The thing is,” Cas said once he’d finished chewing. “The people in places like this don’t actually care how fancy you do shit, as long as you pay them and don’t actually embarrass the other customers.” He took a sip of his wine.

Dean shrugged. “That’s true,” he said. “People only care about money wherever you go.”

“Well, money and appearances.” Cas grimaced. “In my experience, these people also don’t take well to homosexuality either. Pretty sure the waitress thinks we’re brothers.”

Dean frowned slightly at Cas’ words, knowing they had meaning behind them. “Yeah, well, fuck ‘em,” Dean said, a little too loudly, making the couple at the neighbouring table shoot them annoyed glances.

That made Cas smile. “Yeah, fuck ‘em.”

Once they were finished eating, a little while later, a waiter came over and told them in a thick French accent, “I’m sorry sirs, but some of the other customers would like you to keep the noise down.”

Dean rolled his eyes. “We were just leaving, anyway,” he said. “Unless you want dessert, Cas?

“I’m fine, thank you, Dean.”

Dean turned to the young man. “Could we have the bill?”

“Of course, sir.” The waiter scurried off somewhere towards the kitchen and Dean pulled his wallet from his pants.

Cas did the same before Dean reprimanded him for it. “No, dude, I invited you – I pay.”

“Dean,” Cas warned. “This is going to be expensive. I can pay for my own.”

Dean shook his head, adamant. “Nope. I’m being a gentleman Cas, you can pay for the next one.”

Castiel sighed, but smiled at the thought of a next date, and put his wallet away. “If you change your mind when you see the bill, I don’t mind.”

 

* * *

 

He didn’t change his mind, although he did wince slightly at the figure. Upon leaving, Dean offered his arm and Cas linked his own around it, smiling at Dean fondly.

It was well past ten by now, and the sun had set, leaving only the soft orange streetlight to illuminate Castiel’s sharp features. He always looked stunning, but tonight, with the waistcoat and the shirt… Dean had had trouble keeping his hands to himself all evening.

“Do you wanna go anywhere else?” Dean asked, leading Cas down the street to the Impala.

Cas hummed in thought. “It’s a nice night. We should go stargazing.”

Dean snorted. “Stargazing? Really?”

Cas narrowed his eyes at him.

“Fine, stargazing, let’s do it. Where are we gonna go?”

“I’ll find a place,” Cas said, before dropping his arm to hold Dean’s hand and pulling him along the street.

It took them ten minutes until Cas apparently found a suitable place and stopped short in front of the fire escape of some building. “Up there,” he pointed up at the flat roof, four stories above them.

Dean looked at him sceptically, but said, “okay…” and allowed Cas to begin climbing the rickety metal stairs. He was surprisingly quick and lithe, and by the time they reached the top, Dean was out of breath where Cas looked unaffected.

Dean watched Cas gaze up at the sky, pure wonderment on his face. Dean smiled fondly and moved to take Cas’ hand. The other man took a minute to turn his smile to Dean – the same expression of reverence as he’d given the cosmos. Normally, Dean would shrink under a look like that, but tonight he felt comfortable just to smile and squeeze Castiel’s hand.

Cas lay down and gestured for Dean to do the same – which he hesitantly did. The sky was indeed beautiful – despite the light pollution in Austin, this area wasn’t terrible, and Dean could even spot some constellations.

They lay there, hand in hand, wordlessly watching the night for at least ten minutes, before a light switched on in the building opposite. Dean raised his head, glaring at the building suspiciously. In a second, more lights had turned on from the surrounding buildings, and Dean sat up – becoming worried.

They heard the sirens at the same time, eyes widening at each other. The fire escape was the only way up or down – and Dean scrambled over to it. He stared down at the street below, and kind of started freaking the fuck out because drawing up were four police cruisers.

“Cas?” he said, worriedly, slowly taking steps back from the precipice.

“Um,” Cas replied, also looking more than a little cautious.

The first officer crawled onto the roof, shining a blinding light in both their eyes and yelling “put your hands where I can see them!” Dean raised his arms over his eyes in an attempt to keep his eyesight, and fell to his knees.

“This is a misunderstanding,” he began. “It isn’t what it looks like,” his heart was beating a million miles an hour and he could feel himself getting light headed.

“Down on the ground!” The officer barked, the voices of more appearing behind him. “Anything you say can and will be held against you.” Dean felt a rough hand at his wrists, yanking him down onto the cement of the roof. His cheek scraped against the hard material and he was pretty sure he heard a crack. Dean let himself be manhandled onto his front and felt what he thought was the barrel of a gun pressing into his neck. It was getting hard to breath, and his adrenaline was spiking viciously. The last thing he really heard before blacking out was Castiel’s voice.

“This is my fault! Don’t hurt him, don’t you dare hurt him,” he sounded panicked and desperate and Dean reminded himself to tell him he was an idiot later. This was, in no way, Castiel’s fault. “Arrest me, leave him alone. Do what you want to me…” and that was where Dean genuinely blacked out – hearing nothing more.

* * *

 

Dean had woken up in the cell, much to Castiel’s relief, and he’d explained that the building they’d been on just happened to be a bank – and the police had thought they were robbing it. Of-fucking-course.

After a number of gruelling hours, they were let free – since the police had literally no evidence they were trying to rob a bank, besides the fact they were on the roof of one. Cas noticed that Dean was acting weird on the way back home. They had to walk a few block to get back to the Impala, and then drive back to the dorms, and Dean had barely spoken for the duration. It had to be because he was pissed at Cas for getting them into this situation. And he had every right to be – guilt started to gnaw at Cas as they made their way upstairs, and he followed Dean like a kicked dog into his own room.

Dean shut the door behind them and sighed, staring at the ground, before he looked up at Cas – anger bright in his eyes. “What the fuck, Cas?”

Castiel felt his heart fall. “I know, Dean, I am _so_ sorry. I didn’t know it was a bank, and I shouldn’t have even… in the first place-“ panic was rising in Cas’ throat and he thought he might be sick. He also desperately wanted a cigarette.

“No,” Dean cut him off. “No, I don’t mean that. I mean that you can’t just sacrifice yourself like that!” he raised his voice and it made Cas subconsciously cower backwards.

“What do you mean?” he asked in a small voice, frowning.

“ _’It was my fault, arrest me’_ ,” Dean mimicked, using air quotes. “You don’t just _do_ that, Cas! You could’ve gotten yourself killed for fuck’s sake!”

“Dean, I don’t…”

“You don’t understand.” Dean sighed exasperatedly. “Cas – look at me.” He looked. “This is not your fault,” he said pointedly. He really looked like he meant it, too. Cas almost believed it.

He scoffed, “of course it is, Dean,” he said. “I was the one who brought you up there and –“

“And I followed! Willingly!” Dean interrupted. “You couldn’t have known any of that was going to happen.” He took a moment to breathe before continuing. “Look, I take care of the people I… care about. Okay? And Cas,” he said, brokenly, “they had _guns._ That was dangerous as fuck and I hear you saying ‘ _do what you want_ ’? You can’t just do that, man. You matter.”

Cas felt something uncomfortably like tears in his eyes. He looked down so as not to show them. “No, Dean, I really don’t.” His voice was quiet, earnest. “You spent the last two weeks trying to save me when there’s nothing to be saved. I’ve already dragged you so far down I can’t…” he broke off, blinking back tears. _Damn it._ “I’m not good news. I don’t even know why you’re my friend – or why you kissed me – or why… anything.” Cas shook his head in disbelief. “You’re the perfect Dean Winchester, and I’m just _Castiel, destroyer of lives,_ ” he said bitterly, turning around to sit on the bed.

“Cas,” Dean was still standing by the door, looking at Cas in astonishment and sorrow. “Cas, you can’t… you can’t really think that?”

Cas just shrugged, having given up on talking for now.

“Cas – you’re amazing,” Dean said. “You’re sweet, and funny, and smart, and sexy and,” he cut off with a pained laugh, “and way out of my league. You can’t actually think those things about yourself.”

Cas shook his head in denial and smiled sadly. “If you think that then you clearly don’t even know me, Dean.”

“I do know you, Cas. I know you, and I l-“ he broke off for a fraction of a second. “I really like you. The real you.”

Cas could tell he was about to cry, so he tipped his head back and tried to will it away. Dean was just being… Dean. He didn’t know why he was saying these things when they clearly weren’t true. But before anything else could be said, Asia’s _Heat of the moment_ came blaring from Dean’s phone.

They both knew that it was Sam calling. Dean huffed in frustration and dug out his cell, declining the call.

“Aren’t you going to get that?” Cas asked, feeling too small in the room.

Dean shook his head. “Sammy can wait.”

However, Dean’s phone rang again, and Dean frowned down at it. “If he’s calling twice this might actually be important,” he mumbled. “I’ll be five minutes, tops,” Dean promised, extending a hand to Cas in an act of comfort.

Cas just nodded.

And as soon as Dean was in the hall, he curled up with his knees to his chest. He didn’t cry; that was rare, but he came damn near close. He was already screwing things up with Dean.

When Dean came back in he looked shaken.

“Dean?” Cas asked in concern, standing.

“Uh,” Dean looked around dazedly before fixing his stare on Cas, looking wholly regretful. “Cas… I’ve gotta go away for a while.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Translations  
> Waitress: Good evening gentlemen. Have you made a choice?  
> Castiel: Yes, hello madame. We would like two beef burgers and two glasses of cabernet sauvignon. Thank you.
> 
> Sorry if that French is terrible - it's been four years and I had to google parts, but hey, I did my best.  
> And I do apologise for ruining the boys' fun just a lil bit - I'm just a bit evil like that.  
> As always thank you so much for the comments and kudos - you guys are awesome.  
> Oh, PS, in case you hadn't figured out from the humour not humor etc, I'm not American, and I am SO confused as to what slacks are. There seems to be quite a lot of controversy online - I thought they were like formal trousers, what you'd wear with a suit - but apparently they're not? If anyone could shine some light on this I'd be very grateful :)  
> AnOTHER sidenote - sorry, (not sorry) I decided to do this manip/drawing whatever so you guys can have a reference to Cas' tattoos. It's not great and I couldn't do the arm ones without messing up so you'll just have to imagine them, but here! https://showmethedestiel.tumblr.com/post/169120015917/tattooed-castiel-manipdrawing-for-my-fanfic-who-i  
> -B


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy 2018 :D

“You’ve… got to go?” Cas asked, surprise evident in his expression.

“I am _so_ sorry, Cas. I wouldn’t – you know I wouldn’t – if it wasn’t an emergency.” Dean sighed in frustration. “And we are talking about this when I get back,” he added, his voice leaving no room for arguement.

“I... I know. That’s fine Dean. What happened, is everything okay?”

Trust Cas to always turn things around on him like this, but…

“It’s my dad,” Dean stated, voice tight. “He’s… woken up.”

Cas frowned, tilting his head to the side. Any other time it would be adorable. It still was, really. “Woken up?” he asked.

Dean rubbed his temples. “Yeah. He’s been in a coma for the last nine years.”

Castiel’s eyes widened. “I… I didn’t know,” he trailed off.

Dean shrugged. “I didn’t tell you,” he said. “It’s not important he was… not a great dad.”

“Oh,” Cas seemed to be having trouble comprehending the situation, and to be honest, so was Dean.

“I gotta drive home as soon as I can.” Dean started to pace around the small room. “Flights to Sioux Falls at short notice are way too expensive, it’ll be tiring but if I leave tonight I should get there by lunchtime tomorrow.”

“Dean,” Cas said, placing a hand firmly on his shoulder. “Dean, calm down. I know this is stressful, but you’ve gotta stop and think for a minute. Okay?”

Dean took a deep breath and nodded, taking a seat on the bed. Cas sat down next to him.

“Look,” Cas said. “It’s three a.m. – there’s no way you’re driving, what – fifteen hours?”

Dean shook his head. “I can get there in eleven.”

“ _Eleven,_ whatever. You’ll get into an accident.”

Dean huffed a laugh. “And wouldn’t that be ironic?”

“Why?” 

“My dad was in an accident – that’s why he’s in a coma,” Dean explained, before correcting, “was. Was in a coma.” He sighed deeply. “Shit, Cas, my dad’s awake.” He looked at Cas, searching his face for something. Comfort, maybe.

“Dean,” Cas said softly, bringing a hand up to cup Dean’s cheek. “It’s gonna be okay.” He leaned in and kissed Dean gently – any prior argument was forgotten about; for now, at least. The feeling of Castiel’s soft but insistent lips on his own calmed Dean immensely. Cas pulled away first. “Are you okay?” he asked sincerely.

Dean nodded, then changed his mind and shook his head.

Cas smiled fondly. “It’s just your dad – how bad can it be?”

Dean’s heart grew painful at those words. Castiel may have had a damn shitty life, but he’d be willing to bet Cas’ dad wasn’t as shitty as his. Flickering memories of John, drunk, yelling at Dean and Sam resurfaced unbidden – of John throwing weeks-old beer bottles at his two pre-pubescent sons. “You don’t know John,” he said sadly.

* * *

 

“Be safe,” Cas said, glaring strictly at Dean, still not letting go of his hand.

“I will. Stop worrying,” Dean replied, bringing Cas’ hand up to kiss it. “It’s not like I haven’t done it before.”

“I know. Still. _Some people_ might actually miss you if you were an idiot and crashed your car.”

“ _Some people,_ huh?” Dean teased, grinning.

Cas nodded solemnly. “I’m not gonna say who – but some people would miss you, Dean. Just be careful, okay? You’re only running on – what? Four hours sleep?”

Dean scoffed. “I’m rounding up to five,” he said. “I will be, babe, it’ll be fine. I thought I was the one who was meant to be worrying?”

Cas sighed. “Well, we can’t both worry – can we?”

“I guess not,” Dean chuckled, before pulling Cas into his arms. “Imma miss you,” he said, forehead resting on Castiel’s.

“I’ll miss you too. How long will you be?”

“Hard to say,” Dean sighed. “Could be a couple days – could be weeks.”

Cas just nodded. “I’ll be waiting.”

“I know.” They stood, breathing each other’s air, for a few more minutes before Dean said, “I should go.”

“You should.” Cas reluctantly pulled away. “Call me when you get there.”

“Of course.”

“Goodbye, Dean.”

Dean smiled sadly and got into the driver’s seat of the Impala. He shut the door, started the ignition, threw a parting wave at Cas, and then he was gone.

Cas had managed to convince Dean to sleep until the morning – but as soon as the clock struck seven a.m., Dean had been out of bed and packing the bare essentials. Within forty minutes, he was packed and ready to go.

The timing wasn’t ideal. However, at least it meant they didn’t have to keep having last night’s argument. Cas still blamed himself – and Dean was still way too good for him – but he’d had time to think about Dean’s words. It was like Dean genuinely thought that Castiel was a… person. And a good one at that. Maybe Dean didn’t hate him, and all wasn’t hopeless. A minuscule  seed of hope that that may be true had been planted in Castiel’s brain, but that, for now, was enough.

 

* * *

 

The drive to Sioux Falls took nine hours and fifty minutes. It was a record for Dean. He didn’t have that much time to celebrate though – as soon as he pulled into Singer Auto Salvage Yard, Bobby was out of the house and pulling Dean into a fatherly hug.

“It’s good to see ya, boy,” he said, eyes shining with happiness, despite the circumstances.

Dean smiled. “You too, Bobby.”

“The two of you need to visit your old man more often.” They both seemed to realise what he’d said at the same time. “Speaking of,” Bobby added gruffly. “We should probably head to the hospital.”

Dean sighed. “Yeah, how’s he doing?”

“Sleeping, mostly,” Bobby explained as he led Dean into the house so he could put his bags down. It had been over a year since Dean had been home – and it was far more comforting than he remembered. He chucked his duffel bag onto the cluttered couch and went back outside with Bobby.

“The hospital’s keepin’ him to do a bunch of tests. Says he might have some memory loss, too.”

“Shit,” Dean said, frowining.

“Shit’s right,” Bobby agreed gravely.

 

Bobby drove them both in his truck over to the hospital. Halfway there, Dean remembered he promised to call Cas.

“Uh, I promised I’d give someone a call. You mind?” he asked Bobby.

Bobby shrugged. “Do what you gotta do.”

Dean pulled up Cas’ contact and the other man picked up almost immediately.

“Dean?”

Dean smiled, instantly a little more at ease at the sound of his voice. “Hey, Cas.”

“Did you get there okay?”

“Yeah – the journey was fine. How are you doing?”

“Me? I’m fine, Dean. How are you?”

Dean sighed. “We’re talkin’ later – but yeah, I’m doin’ okay. Considering.”

“Have you seen your dad yet?”

“Not yet. We’re on our way to the hospital now.”

“Who’s _we_?” Cas asked curiously.

“Bobby,” Dean said, glancing at the other man, who was trying very hard not to look like he was listening in. “He’s kinda my adoptive dad.”

“Kinda?” Bobby said. “I am your dad – idjit.”

Dean chuckled. “Yeah, yeah. Saying you’re my dad could get kinda confusing, is all.”

Bobby grunted in acquiescence.

“Call me later, when you’re alone?” Cas asked, presumably ignorant to their conversation.

“Of course. Can’t say when it’ll be, though.”

“I’ll wait up.”

“Thanks, Cas,” Dean said gratefully.

“I’ll talk to you later.”

“Yeah. Bye.” Dean hung up and pocketed his phone, looking out the window with a smile on his face.

“So who is she?” Bobby asked tiredly from beside Dean, startling him slightly.

“Who?” Dean asked, confused.

“This _Cas_ girl. She’s obviously someone special.”

Dean blushed. “Uh, actually, Cas is a dude. Short for Castiel.”

Bobby shrugged. “Kid’s got a weird name. Still, all the same to me.”

Dean stared at Bobby in surprise. “Right,” he said, trying desperately not to have a chick flick moment. “He’s not a kid, though. He’s older than me.” Crisis averted?

Bobby glanced at him. “ _And?_ You don’t think you’re still a kid?”

Dean snorted. “Okay, whatever, Bobby.” Crisis averted.

 

All the tension was back tenfold when they reached the hospital. The men sent each other a glance that said ‘well, here we go’ before they left the truck. It wasn’t just that it was John – because losing your dad at twelve and then meeting him again in your twenties has gotta be fucking weird for anybody – but Dean had spent the last six years repressing most of the traits and habits his father had given him. Dean was afraid of what memories and the like this meeting would dredge up. Hell, he didn’t even know what his dad remembered of him – if they said he might have ‘memory problems’. Maybe he’d have forgotten all about Dean – and god wouldn’t that be a confusing blessing.

Still, there was no going back now, Dean thought as he crossed the threshold into the hospital. Everyone always complains about the smell of hospitals – and Dean was no exception, he couldn’t stand the antiseptic scent of death – but what he really hated was the _feel._ As soon as he set foot in a hospital he felt like he was covered with whatever made them so creepy; dripping with thick death. It made him want to scrub his skin off. This time was no different, although he was at least a little distracted by the fact that his dad was in here somewhere – awake, and alive, and probably waiting for him; if he was lucid.

He followed Bobby numbly to the room that held his father. Outside, the older man clapped Dean on the shoulder in an act of comfort. Dean nodded at him and walked inside.

It had been over six years since Dean had seen John. He’d almost forgotten that people in comas still age. His dad looked old – his hair was greying more than it had been, even the stubble he had was silver. There were more crow’s feet around his eyes and his whole manner looked fragile – old. His eyes were open, he was watching some crap TV show on the small TV in the corner.

Dean swallowed nervously. “Dad?” he said, apprehensive.

John’s head swivelled round to meet Dean’s gaze. He looked surprised. “Dean?” he asked in disbelief. “What… what happened to you?”

Dean shrugged. “I grew up,” he replied in a small voice, coming over to the side of the bed but not sitting down. 

John stayed silent, taking Dean in. “Where’s Sammy?” he finally asked.

Dean cleared his throat. “He’s in California, dad. Stanford, in fact.”

John’s wide eyes looked up at Dean. “Stanford? Really? Wow…”

“How are you feeling?” Dean asked. He’d never seen his dad this… vulnerable. It was freaking him out.

“Oh, you know me. I’m fi-“ John cut himself off with a series of violent coughs. “I’m fine,” he said hoarsely.

“Doctors say when you’re gettin’ out?”

John shook his head. “No, no I don’t think so. I think they might be doing some tests.” It looked as if Dean’s father had to really think about what he was saying – as if it caused him pain to think.

“I’m sure it won’t take too long.”

 

Dean stayed for an hour or so before John got too tired and he had to leave. On the way out Dean ran into a nurse looking after his dad, and asked quickly, “is it normal for him to be coughing so much?”

She smiled kindly and replied, “yes, I wouldn’t worry. He hasn’t had to use his voice in years. Give it time.”

Dean thanked her and left with Bobby. On the way home, Dean kept almost drifting off – he hadn’t got much sleep last night, and driving for nine hours straight was exhausting. So Bobby got some drive-thru burgers for them to eat on the short drive back to his, so Dean could crash as soon as he was inside.

That wasn’t quite what he did, however. He collapsed onto the sheets Bobby had made up for him in his childhood room – the posters of bikini models and sports stars still adorning the walls – and pulled out his phone.

“Hey babe,” he said once Cas picked up.

“Dean,” Cas replied softly. “How did it go?”

Dean sighed. “Good? I don’t know.”

They talked until Dean actually fell asleep – phone squashed between his face and the pillow. It had been a long day.

 

The next day Sam was coming at midday. Dean went into the hospital mid-morning to bring John breakfast. They may not have got on when Dean was growing up – but this experience had to be terrifying, and Dean didn’t hold so much of a grudge that he wouldn’t be polite.

On the way into his room, he saw the same nurse as yesterday. She smiled at him upon recognition. “Good morning,” she said brightly.

“Hey,” Dean stopped to talk to her. “Do you know when he can go home?”

“They’re doing tests now, but we’ll get the results this afternoon. I’m sorry, that’s all I know.” She smiled apologetically.

“Thanks,” Dean smiled back, genuinely, before walking in to see his dad.

“Morning dad,” he said, handing the bag of bagels to John.

John shook his head. “I’m never gonna get used to you being that tall.”

“In that case… I’m really scared to tell you about Sammy.”

John looked at him, wide eyed and worried. Dean suddenly felt bad and explained. “No, no, he’s fine. Just huge.” Dean raised a hand above his head to indicate.

A smile broke out over John’s face for the first time in probably twelve or thirteen years – that Dean had seen, anyway.

Dean patted his dad on the shoulder and sat down in the shitty hospital chair. “So,” he said. “What are we watching?” he looked up at the small corner TV.

“Oh, I don’t know. Modern TV is all-“ John suddenly doubled over, a coughing fit wracking his body violently. Dean put a hand on his back to soothe him, frowning slightly, until he saw the blood pooling on the white sheets under John’s face.

“Dad?” he asked, panicked, and leaped to his feet.

When John sat back up, there was blood running down his chin, and his hands were covered in it. He was looking down at them in terror.

“Nurse!” Dean yelled, running into the corridor. “Something’s wrong! We need help.” People came rushing in immediately and ushered Dean out of the room. He was left standing helplessly outside, watching his father be intubated and manhandled onto a gurney.

 

Sammy was there by the time they got the news. It was a portly man with a kind face. The words, “we’re sorry,” and, “there’s nothing we can do at this stage,” are really quite arbitrary when they’re followed up with, “your father has lung cancer”.

Surprisingly, of the two of them, it hit Dean harder. He sat with his head in his hands, outside the room his father was in, Sam’s gargantuan hand on his back – a  soothing weight, chiding himself for beginning to actually reconnect with his dad. John hadn’t seemed like the loud, violent, abusing man he’d been before the accident – he really hadn’t. He’d seemed civil, and like someone that Dean could actually, possibly, have a real relationship with – even if the role of dad was filled permanently with Bobby. But of course, something had to go and fuck it up.

The doctors told them that it was very aggressive, and had already been spreading for some time without them having noticed. Normally any symptoms would be detected when someone was awake – not in a coma. The blood tests confirmed it.

It shouldn’t have been a surprise – John had been a heavy smoker before he’d gotten into a coma – but it was. _Come on,_ Dean thought, addressing no one in particular, _you put it right under my nose just to crush it again._

It would be days, or hours, there really was no telling. That was what convinced Dean to go talk to his dad. On his way in, he saw Bobby leaving the room. “Dean,” he said in greeting.

Dean sighed, exhausted. “Heya Bobby.”

Bobby raised an eyebrow. “You talked to Cas yet?”

“Hm? No. Haven’t had a chance.”

Bobby just tilted his head, conveying ‘you should’.

Dean carried on walking to the side of the bed. John was wearing an oxygen mask and was on a shit ton of painkillers, but that was all. There was literally nothing they could do at this point, especially since he’d just woken up from a coma; his body was too vulnerable to anything and everything.

“Hey dad,” he said in a small voice as he sat down.

“Dean,” John smiled slightly when he saw his son. “So who’s this Cas?”

Dean’s eyes widened, he hadn’t thought John would hear that. “He’s uh…We’re kind of seeing each other,” he settled on. No point in lying now, even if it meant his father would abandon him at the last moment.

John raised an eyebrow tiredly. “It serious?”

Dean shrugged. “Not officially. But… yeah. It is.”

He smiled. “He’d better be good to my be good to my boy.”

Dean assumed the meds were making him slur and make mistakes. He didn’t acknowledge the irony that John hadn’t been good to his own boy for many years. Instead, he just said, “he is.”

“In that case…” John trailed off for a minute, spacing out. “In that case – you’d better keep a hold of him.”

Dean nodded. “I’ll do my best, dad.”

Dean saw his father’s eyes start to water. “No, I mean that, Dean,” he insisted. “Because once you lose them…” he started to cry. Dean had only ever seen his dad cry once; when his mom had died. “Once you lose her – you lose everything.” John was talking about himself now, but he understood that he was applying it to Dean.

“Yeah, dad.” Dean was beginning to get choked up.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t do it right.”

“Do what right?” Dean asked, eyebrows pinched in concern.

John’s hand came up to grab at Dean’s arm. He missed the first time, before gripping tightly the second. “You boys,” his voice had a tinge of hysteria. “I didn’t do it right. I want to do it again – I’d do it right this time…” John was shouting now – but it was garbled and hoarse.

“It’s okay, dad. It’s okay,” Dean said, trying to calm down his father.

“No,” John cried. “No.”

“I think you should go,” the kind nurse from before appeared beside them and gently removed John’s clenched fist from Dean’s arm.

“Yeah. Yeah,” Dean muttered. “I’ll see you, dad.” He smiled brokenly.

“Goodbye Dean,” John said, suddenly calm and serious. As Dean was walking away he heard his father add, “you be good to your mother now. She wants you to get good grades.”

Tears started falling down Dean’s cheeks and he wiped them away in frustration. Sam was still outside, although he’d talked to their father before Bobby had. “We should go,” Dean muttered, still not trusting his voice to any degree.

Sam nodded in understanding and picked up his jacket, smiling sympathetically at Dean.

 

* * *

 

Cas hadn’t got a phone call from Dean last night. He hoped everything was okay but didn’t want to bother Dean unnecessarily, so vowed to wait a while to call him. He was probably just catching up with his father.

Dean had told him over the phone that his dad had seemed like a different person. He’d also told Cas the story of his parents. They’d been the perfect, white-picket family until Dean was eight – when their mother had been killed by a house fire. Their dad had gone wrong in the mind. He had become an alcoholic and Dean didn’t entirely blame him for losing it a bit – although it meant that Sam and Dean had had a shitty childhood. Then, when Dean was twelve, his father had gone for a drive in the Impala while completely wasted – had gotten into a collision with a truck, and that was it. Bobby had taken in Sam and Dean – Dean had started to fix up the Impala, and life, surprisingly, was pretty good.

Cas was just debating whether he should call Dean or not, after just having had dinner, when there was a knock at his door. He walked over and opened it, to find an exhausted-looking Dean. He looked like he might have been crying.

“Dean?” Cas asked, frowning.

Dean sighed, stepping forward. “My dad’s dead.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I always have to make it just a little(lot) bit sad, I'm sorry :D  
> -B


	18. Chapter 18

Castiel’s jaw went slack. “Christ, Dean,” he said. “I’m sorry. How are you doing?”

Dean shrugged, walking past Cas to put his duffel bag down. “Only knew him for a day and a half.”

Cas didn’t know what to say, so instead, he walked over and wrapped his arms around Dean from behind, hooking his chin onto Dean’s shoulder. “I’m sorry.”

“You said that already," he mumbled. ‘S not your fault, Cas,” Dean turned in Castiel’s arms to face him.

“I know,” he said, allowing Dean to bury his face in Cas’ shoulder. “You look tired.”

“I am,” Dean mumbled.

“Come to bed?”

“In a minute.” Dean pulled away and glanced around the room, before apparently seeing what he was looking for. He walked over to Castiel’s leather jacket with long strides and rummaged in his pocket until he found the carton of cigarettes held there. Without a word, he took them over to the window, opened it, and threw them out into the night.

Cas looked on, frozen to the spot with confusion.

Dean wiped a hand over his eyes and walked back to Cas, taking his hand and leading him to the bed. Cas lay down next to Dean willingly, shimmying out of his jeans and burrowing under the covers while Dean toed off his shoes and removed his pants. Cas remembered vaguely that Dean had said his father smoked, but he didn’t know what that had to do with  _Cas_ smoking.

Once the light was out, he asked, “gonna tell me what that was about?”

Dean cleared his throat. “My dad. It was lung cancer.”

“Fuck,” Cas replied softly, Dean embracing Cas once again, and Cas pressing a soft kiss to Dean’s forehead.

An immeasurable number of minutes passed before Dean spoke again, softly, into Cas’ collarbone. “He said some stuff to me, just before he died.”

Cas hummed so Dean knew he was awake.

“He was all fucked up on pain meds, but it was the most... _real_ I’ve ever heard him.”

“What did he say?” 

Dean placed a kiss on Castiel’s neck. “He told me to hold on to what I’ve got. Because when it’s gone…” Dean was quiet for a while and Cas didn’t think he was going to finish his sentence. “Once it’s gone, you realise that you miss things you didn’t even notice before. Once it’s gone, you’re left alone, and loneliness is unbearable, once you’ve had happiness.”

“He said all that?”

“Basically. Okay, I might be projecting.”

Cas chuckled.

There was silence again, until, “he accepted me, Cas.”

“In what way?” Castiel hugged Dean closer.

“Through all this, all of… us, I haven’t freaked out because the one person who _wouldn’t_ accept it was a thousand miles away in a coma. But when it came to it… he didn’t really give a shit.” Dean trailed off a little towards the end with tiredness.

“You told him about us?” Cas asked with genuine curiosity.

Dean nodded. “On his deathbed. He thought you were a girl, but I set him straight.”

Castiel’s heart rate sped up a few notches, and Dean could probably feel it, but he didn’t care.

“Then again, he also told me to be good to mom, so fuck knows what was going through his head,” Dean said sadly.

“I wish I could make you feel better,” Cas offered.

“You are,” Dean replied, falling asleep immediately after. Cas pressed a soft kiss to his forehead.

 

* * *

 

The next day Dean had to go back to work. Crowley cut him a lot of slack, but he had just taken a whole week off for Cas, and then there were the last two days to visit his dad. Sam had assured Dean he’d be fine. The two had never been close anyway – even before Mary died. Bobby had tried to make Dean stay for longer – but Dean had promised to come visit soon, and the older man had let him ‘go back to his boy’.

Speaking of, despite having to go to work, Dean worried he was being too clingy with Cas. This tended to happen when there had been a substantial life event in Dean’s life – all of his previous partners had gotten a little irritated, but it had been fine. Cas, though… They weren’t even dating. Dean felt bad following Cas everywhere like a lost puppy.

He felt his phone buzz as he had just served an old lady her scone.

 **[From: Cas, Wednesday, 2:56PM]  
** _Is work busy?_

 **[To: Cas, Wednesday, 2:57PM]  
** _not very, why?_

 **[From: Cas, Wednesday, 3:00PM]  
** _you want me to come hang out?_

 **[To: Cas, Wednesday, 3:05PM]  
** _u don’t have to do that, cas_

 **[From: Cas, Wednesday, 3:11PM]  
** _I want to :)_

Dean huffed and looked down at his phone. Cas was awesome, he had to remind himself to do something special for him soon. With renewed vigour, he put his phone away and smiled charmingly at his next customer. “Welcome to Crowley’s Croissants. What can I get you, sir?”

Cas arrived fifteen minutes later, and luckily there were no customers to serve when he did. Dean hurried around the counter to kiss him appreciatively. “You’re awesome, you know that?”

“Hm,” Cas huffed and rolled his eyes, before noticing Dean’s genuine grin and smiling sheepishly. “I knew you missed me."

“You're not wrong,” Dean leaned over to kiss Cas, chastely, once more, before stepping back. “You want a drink or something?” he asked, returning to his place behind the counter.

“Do you do milkshakes?” Cas asked, squinting up at the blackboard with a scrawled, chalk menu.

“You bet'cha we do. Chocolate, vanilla, or strawberry?”

“I gotta go for chocolate,” Cas grinned.

 

* * *

 

Once he’d been given his milkshake, Cas set up camp in one of the armchairs nearest Dean. He’d brought a book in case he got bored, but Dean had entertained him so far. Dean had seemed to want more of Castiel’s attention since his dad died, and Cas was more than happy to give it.

Near the end of Dean’s shift, just as Cas’ stomach was starting to demand food, none other than Charlie and Dorothy appeared.

“Do you guys just go everywhere together?” Cas asked as a way of greeting.

“We try to,” Dorothy replied, flashing a grin at Cas.

“Hey Dean,” Charlie smiled, walking up to the counter. “We’ll have two of what he’s having,” she pointed down at Cas’ finished milkshake. “And where’ve you been the last two days? It’s been radio silence.” She pouted dramatically.

“Comin’ right up.” Dean moved to prepare the drinks before adding, “and yeah, sorry about that. It was actually my dad.”

He went on to retell the events of the last two days, eliciting multiple hugs and condolences from the girls.

“I’m so sorry, Dean!” Charlie said, distraught. “That sucks so hard.”

Dean shrugged. “Yeah, it does. But it was gonna happen someday.”

By the time the story was over, everyone was finished with their drinks and Dean’s shift was nearly over. As if on cue, Benny walked in.

“Was there a party I wasn’t invited to or somethin’?” he joked upon seeing Charlie, Dorothy, and Cas.

Dean chuckled. “We would never do that to you, Benny.”

“I know, I know.” Benny grabbed his apron and walked behind the counter. “I got this, brother. You go on with your friends.”

“You sure?” Dean asked, already hanging up his apron.

“Yeah, yeah. You owe me one. In fact, here; don’t come askin’ me for advice next time you wanna take Cas here out. Deal?”

Dean blushed slightly but nodded. “Sure thing, Benny. Thanks. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

The four of them made it all the way outside before Charlie turned on Dean, grinning maniacally. “So where did you guys go?”

Dean sighed and rolled his eyes, glancing at Cas for assurance, who just smiled and nodded, permission for Dean to tell them what they wanted to hear. “I took him to this fancy French place – but you won't  _believe_ what happened afterwords.”

Dean recounted the arrest as they all made their way into town towards the food joints they frequented. The story took them, conveniently, until they were outside a pizza place. By this time, Cas was starving – he’d only had some cereal to eat today.

They got a table and chatted over their food. It was easy, and fun, and took Castiel and Dean’s mind of the events of the last two weeks.

At one point Dean draped his arm across the back of Cas’ shoulders – since they were in a secluded booth near the back. Charlie hid her smile (poorly) behind a slice of pizza.

 

As soon as Dean and Cas made it back to Cas’ room, his phone went off. Mildly annoyed, he reached into his pocket to check who it was.

 **[From: Balthazar, Wednesday, 9:13PM]  
** _Cassie, I need your help. Please. My apartment_

Cas sighed in frustration, internally debating whether to go or not. On the one hand, Bal was a piece of shit asshole who’d let Cas fuck himself up really badly, but on the other that kind of was just who he was, and he’d also helped Cas get out of some rough spots.

“Everything okay?” Dean asked as he removed his shoes.

“Bal says he needs my help,” Cas told him.

“Oh. You gonna go?” Dean asked slightly warily.

Cas looked up at him. “I think so. I’m sorry. I promise not to do anything stupid.” He tried to convey his honesty through his pleading look.

Dean stared him down for a moment before shrugging his shoulders, relenting. “I trust you. I’m not gonna stop you.”

Cas smiled gratefully, before stuffing his phone into his pocket and heading back out the door. He could tell that Dean was not happy with this – nor did he completely trust Cas; though he’d said it. But Cas would just have to prove himself. He was not going to do something dumb – he was not going to let Balthazar talk him into anything.

When he arrived, it was clear Bal was absolutely trashed. On what, Cas did not know – but he looked like he’d been hit by a train.

“Cassie!” Bal exclaimed, grabbing out for Castiel’s jacket, who moved backwards just in time.

“What do you want, Bal?” he asked in a stern tone.

“Cassie,” Bal whined. “I want you back. Come on, baby – I can give you so much.”

“No, Bal. I’m not coming back. You said you needed help – do you?”

“Yes, _Casss_.” he drew out the ‘s’ for a pointless number of seconds. “I need you to come inside. I’ve got some really good stuff – just for you.”

Cas scoffed. “I shouldn’t have come here,” he mumbled, turning.

“Cassie, no,” Bal tried one last time, but Cas was already walking away down the hall towards the rickety elevator.

Once on the street outside, he reached into his pocket for a cigarette because that was stressful as fuck and more than one part of him _did_ want to go inside with Bal – and he hated himself for that.

“Fuck,” he swore when he remembered that Dean had thrown them out the window. Now he was gonna be in a shitty mood.

“Clarence,” a familiar voice called out from behind him. “Need a smoke?” the cigarette she held between two delicate fingers seemed like a godsend.

Cas sighed in relief. “Please,” he said, taking it. “How’ve you been, Meg?” he asked. He still quite liked Meg, she’d definitely helped him out more than Balthazar had, and she didn’t fuck around with him either.

“Pretty good, Clarence. Except for that party of Balthazar’s I had to go to, to save your sorry ass,” she smiled ruefully.

“Thanks for that, too.” Cas stared down at the cigarette in his hands, remembering suddenly the slightly fuzzy image of Dean literally pulling Cas out of that hell-hole. He weighed it up for a few more seconds before sighing exasperatedly and handing it back to Meg. “Thanks, but... on second thoughts, I probably shouldn’t.”

She raised an eyebrow but said nothing, taking back the cigarette. “Whatever. Hey, if you’re ever up for some fun, you should give me a call.” She winked and then walked away down the street, leaving Cas to mutter a “thanks,” to her retreating figure, even though he knew he wouldn’t take her up on her offer.

Although bumping into Meg was surprisingly pleasant, Cas was still pissed at Balthazar, and craving nicotine.

So when he got back to his own room, he maybe opened the door with a little more force than was strictly necessary.

Dean sat up upon his entry. “Cas, everything okay?” he asked.

And just like that, all of Castiel’s frustration and anger from before melted away, because there was _Dean_ – just waiting for him there on the bed, with his stupid, kissable face, and concerned expression. Cas’ mouth curved into a smile that probably looked sappy as fuck – but he didn’t care.

“Yeah,” he breathed, coming over to Dean. “Yeah, Bal’s just an asshole. It was nothing.” He sat down next to Dean. “You ready for bed?” he asked.

“Yeah,” Dean smiled at him. “What’s the look for?”

Cas shook his head, still smiling. “I just like you, is all.”

He didn’t stop smiling all night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> These chapters are in no way consistent with length. Oh well. Enjoy!  
> -B


	19. Chapter 19

Sometimes you know that you’re dreaming, but it’s not really a lucid dream per se because you just give yourself over to it completely.

Still, there are things that really give the dream away – like the fact that Cas only sometimes has a face, and that they are in a place that’s both Dean’s old bedroom in Bobby’s house, and simultaneously Castiel’s dorm room. But that’s okay, Dean likes both those places.

They’re in bed together; he and Cas, and Dean can’t stop smiling at whatever Cas is saying. It has something to do with bees, but also quantum physics.

“And did you know,” Cas says, smiling softly, “that honeybees communicate by dancing.”

Dean absently wonders if that’s true, and something that his brain has stored away for a dream like this. He doesn’t know why Cas is talking about bees, but he likes it.

He shakes his head, hair rubbing against the pillow, and reaches a hand across just to feel Castiel. He’s soft, and not like he feels in real life. Not that he isn’t soft, but here he feels like silk and liquid and clouds all in one and Dean could drown in it.

“I want to show you something,” Cas says, and then they’re on a roof and it’s nighttime. It’s nowhere – at least, Dean doesn’t notice if it is somewhere. It doesn’t matter. Castiel’s reaching out to him. “Stay here,” he says, before he walks away to the edge of the roof.

He’s naked, but Dean can’t really see anything except the magnificent tattoo of wings spreading across his back. He’s still only caught a glimpse of it in real life, but his brain seems happy to fill in the blanks. Cas is stepping towards the blackness spilling out all around him.

“Cas!” Dean calls, alarmed that Cas is so near the edge.

Cas smiles, although Dean can’t see his face, he knows. “It’s okay, Dean.” The tattoo across his back suddenly starts to morph, coming alive, the feathers puffing up and shaking themselves into three dimensions. They spread out like a bird of prey, an extension of Cas’ shoulder blades, all blacks and silvers and blues.

Dean is standing far away from Cas, but he reaches out to run his hands through the feathers, quivering slightly as if there’s a breeze.

Castiel’s head turns so Dean can see his profile, and he shrugs his shoulders with something akin to impatience. “Dean,” he says, in that deep voice Dean’s so fond of. It's like Cas is speaking inside his head.

“Yeah?”

“Would you come with me? If I asked.”

“Where?”

“Anywhere.”

Dean realises somewhere in the back of his mind that he is afraid of this – somewhere deep in his mind. Not of Cas sprouting wings and flying away, but of… abandonment, in one form of another, Dean guesses. Everybody leaves him in the end, everyone but Sam and Bobby. And Cas, Cas could fly away. He could go anywhere. He could leave. What does he need Dean for, anyway?

The dream feels like it’s on the precipice of turning into a nightmare, with Cas standing there, all silent, seething, immense power. It’s in his eyes and the angles of his face, but then Dean realises that he isn’t afraid. Not of Cas. It's still a good dream. And in fact he would, follow Cas.

“Yeah,” he says, and a smile blooms across Castiel’s face.

“Good,” he says, turning to place his hands on Dean’s shoulders. “Then lets.” The wings draw back, making a deafening, rushing sound. 

They’re in a café now, the sun shining through the window onto Cas’ expressive face. It’s light, and vibrant, and juxtaposes the darkness of the last destination. Here, Cas is just normal Cas. He’s talking animatedly about something, until he seems to notice something about Dean’s face. He pauses. “What?” he asks, still smiling softly.

Dean shakes his head and tries to look down at his food but finds he can’t stop looking at Cas. “Nothin’,” he says, smiling. “I’m just in love with you is all.”

 

Dean sat up in his bed with a start, heart pounding in his chest. “Fuck.”

Cas’ still half-asleep hand flopped onto his chest. “Dean?” he murmured. “Nightmare?”

Dean took a deep breath, trying to control his breathing. “No, not a nightmare. ‘S fine, I’m fine.” Dean lay back down, heart beginning to return to normal.

After a few minutes, he spoke. “Cas?”

“Hm?”

“What’s with the wings? On your back.”

Cas rolled over so he was on his back, and sighed. “Freedom,” he said. “Essentially.”

“From what?” Dean asked.

“My parents, my old life, oppression.” There was a moment of silence before he added, “I got them before… well. While I was still on speaking terms with my parents. Still in medical school.”

“Didn’t they care?”

Cas snorted, “they would’ve. If they’d known.”

“Castiel the rebel – even then.”

“Hardly. Only two things – Samandriel, and the tattoo. He convinced me to get it, actually. He got one too – an anchor. I kept him grounded and he was my freedom.” He sighed. “At least, that was how it was supposed to go. Now I just have these fuckin’ reminders.”

“I like them,” Dean said quietly.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

They lay in silence for a long stretch of time before Dean spoke again. “I should get one.”

“A tattoo?”

“Mm. Space, ‘cause I’ll follow you anywhere.” There was a nagging worry at the back of Dean’s head that maybe he shouldn’t have been saying this, but he was too tired to care.

“I can’t tell if you’re serious.”

“I am serious!” Dean said indignantly.

“You’re tired.”

“And serious.”

“Go to sleep.”

“I dreamed about you,” Dean said, suddenly changing the subject.

“What about me?” Cas asked, turning to face Dean.

Dean hesitated, considering telling the truth, before backing down. “Dunno. Something about bees.”

Cas’ face lit up. “Did you know they communicate with each other by dancing?”

Something in Dean’s chest tightened and he thought he felt tears welling in his eyes. He nodded. “Yeah, I did, actually.” He kissed Cas softly on the lips. Not just dream-Cas, then.

* * *

 

The next day, Dean gave Cas a lift to Gabriel’s pastry store on his way to work. They were driving there when Dean's phone started ringing.

“It’s Bobby,” he said, before answering and putting his cell on speaker. “Hey Bobby,” he said cheerily.

“Dean,” Bobby greeted. His voice was gruffer than Castiel had expected, but kinder, too. “How are ya?”

“I’m doin’ good, Bobby. Better.”

“Good, good.” Cas sensed that Bobby didn’t go looking for ‘chick-flick moments’, as Dean called them. “How’s yer… boy-friend?” He asked it like he was speaking a different language, but at least he asked. With an overwhelming, yet surprisingly calm wave of revelation, Cas realised that he didn’t mind being called Dean’s boyfriend. In fact, he kinda liked how it sounded.

Dean glanced at Cas nervously. “He’s not…” he started, before apparently giving up and sighing. “He’s fine, thanks for asking.”

“Good. That’s good. You’ll have to bring him up so I can meet ‘im.”

Cas smiled softly, and looked out the window, avoiding Dean’s stare.

“Yeah, I’ll… I’ll run it by him.”

Cas hadn’t realised how overwhelmingly _good_ it would feel to have a boyfriend (yes, he was calling it that now, because apparently it didn’t make him want to run for the hills anymore) whose family would ask after him, whose family he could meet while not under the costume of ‘friend’. The thought blossomed in his chest and he could tell it wasn’t going to stop growing anytime soon. Dean and Bobby were talking about cars, or something, but Cas couldn’t care less. He wanted Dean to be his boyfriend.

* * *

 

Before Dean had dropped Cas off, he had hesitantly apologised for the phone call. “Sorry for Bobby,” he’d said, rubbing the back of his neck nervously. “He tries but he doesn’t really know about relationships, and I’m pretty sure he thinks LGBT is a kind of sandwich.”

Cas had chuckled, but also seemed distant and distracted as he got out of the car. Dean knew he shouldn’t have put his phone on speaker. He chastised himself for it until five, when he got out of work.

When he got back to the dorms, his hands were sweating once he made it onto he and Cas’ floor. He’d gone too far, Cas was gonna hate him. Or stop whatever it was they’d been doing. Or both.

He wiped his hands on his jeans and was about to go into his room when he thought he smelled… bolognese?

He wandered through to the shared kitchen, opening the door with curiosity. Inside, he found Cas wearing a pink apron that Sam had got Dean as a joke a few years back, and pouring over an open cookery book.

“Cas?” Dean asked cautiously, stepping inside.

Cas looked up, startled, before smiling – if slightly nervously. “Dean,” he said. “You’re home. How was work?”

“Uh… work was good.” He walked further into the kitchen, still slightly perplexed, as he’d expected to come home to a standoffish (or worse) Cas. Instead he looked… domestic.

Cas nodded and turned to stir a pot of something on the stove. “I hope you like spaghetti bolognese,” he said.

“Love it. Uh, Cas?” he asked. “What is all of thi-“ he cut himself off to ask incredulously, “are those _candles_?”

On the breakfast bar were two unlit, red candles.

Cas blushed slightly. “Romantic?”

“Uh _huh_.”

Cas rolled his eyes. “It’s not _that_ weird, Dean. Just sit down,” he said, brandishing a wooden spoon threateningly.

Dean raised his hands in surrender. “Okay, alright, whatever.” He sat down and watched Cas curiously. “Didn’t you say you couldn’t cook?”

“I did. But I can follow a recipe. Plus Gabe gave me some pointers today.”

“Gabe can cook?!”

Cas turned to look at him like he was an idiot. “He owns a bakery.”

“Oh right, yeah. Doesn’t seem the type.”

Cas chuckled and nodded. “I know what you mean, but Gabe cooked most of the time when we lived with our parents.”

“They didn’t cook?”

“Nah,” Cas shook his head. “My dad was usually in his office – writing, and my mom would work. Did yours?”

“Dad didn’t, but Bobby did – much as he could.”

Cas nodded and they were left in the near-silence of the pots on the stove bubbling.

 

The food was good. Not excellent, but pretty fucking tasty for someone who said they couldn’t cook.

“You should cook more often,” Dean said once he’d scraped his plate clean.

Cas grinned. “There’s dessert.”

Dean perked up, raising his eyebrows. “Yeah? What is it?”

Cas stood up and wandered to the fridge, pulling out two plates. “Tiramisu,” he said, placing one in front of Dean and sitting down next to him.

“You make this too?”

“Yes. I hope it’s okay.”

Dean watched as Cas poked apprehensively at the dessert with a fork. The main kitchen lights had been turned off, leaving only a lamp in the corner and the candles to illuminate his face. Dean hadn’t been able to stop thinking about his dream last night. Cas seemed so… real. So important – more so than other people. Then again, maybe that’s just how Dean saw him.

“Seriously Cas,” Dean said, making Cas look up at him. “What’s this all about?” Dean smiled and raised an eyebrow.

Cas looked down at the floor, he almost looked shy. “Dean, I was thinking…” he trailed off and cleared his throat, looking Dean in the eye. “I was wondering if you’d like to be my boyfriend.” His voice was confident, but Dean could see hints of uncertainty in his eyes.

An uncontrollable grin spread across Dean’s face. “You know, I think I’d like that, Cas,” he said.

Castiel relaxed. “Really?” he asked, as if he really needed to.

Dean nodded. “Of course, you idiot.” There was only fondness in his words.

Cas smiled at him, still slightly disbelieving. “When Bobby called me your boyfriend I… it made me very happy,” he explained.

“Can I tell more people you’re my boyfriend, then?”

“Yes,” Cas breathed. “I think that would be good.”

“Cool. Now get over here so I can kiss you.”

Cas grinned and stood to fit between the V of Dean’s legs, bodies pressed flush against each other. Their lips stayed with a hairsbreadth of space between them, savouring.

“You’re my boyfriend,” Cas said giddily, grinning.

Dean responded by leaning in and closing the gap, lips meeting Cas’ hungrily. He circled his arms around Cas’ waist, drawing him impossibly closer as Castiel’s lips moved eagerly against his. Dean was lost in the sensation of Cas’ mouth – gasping quietly when Cas bit his lower lip gently.

“Cas,” he moaned. “You can’t _do_ stuff like that.”

Cas grinned against his lips then rolled his hips, rubbing both their erections together through their jeans. “Can’t I?”

Dean stood up abruptly, pushing Cas away without meaning to.

“Sorry,” Cas started apologising immediately. “Was that too far? I shouldn’t have…”

Dean grabbed his hand then said with determination, “your room or mine?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The dream part was kinda just me playing around while trying to figure out how to do the next bit but then I liked it so I kept it. Just in case you were wondering.   
> Also, my personal life is pretty stressful right now, so there’s a chance I won’t get a chance to update again as soon as I’d like to, I hope you understand.   
> As always, your comments and kudos are as precious to me as a first born child. Or something.  
> Enjoy!  
> -B


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Smut in the first half :)

Cas’ eyebrows raised and Dean heard the click of him swallowing. “Mine,” he said, taking Dean’s hand before forcibly dragging him towards the door.

Dean grinned and followed willingly. “Fuck, Cas,” he said, prompting the other man to look back with a raised eyebrow in question. “We’re really doin’ this,” Dean explained in astonishment, giving a breathy chuckle.

Cas smirked seductively over his shoulder and opened the door to his room. He flicked on the lamp beside his bed and turned back to Dean. “You’re sure you’re okay with this?” he asked seriously.

Dean smiled and nodded his head. “Yeah, I am. Now get your hot ass over here.”

Cas stepped forward, grinning, and pulled Dean close by the belt loops on his jeans. “Patience, Dean, is a virtue.”

“Fuck patience.”

Cas struggled to suppress a laugh. He nodded. “Fuck patience.” With no more preamble, he captured Dean’s lips in a searing kiss, hands finding the other man’s face to caress it with a pleasant roughness.

Dean smiled into the kiss, looping an arm around Cas to pull him impossibly closer. Neither of them were flagging, despite the few minute break of rushing to the bedroom, and Dean was impatient, so he ran his fingers beneath the hem of Castiel’s shirt, feeling, savouring soft skin.

Cas made a frustrated sound in the back of his throat and broke apart to pull off his shirt in one fluid motion. He threw it to the other side of the room like it had personally offended him.

Dean moved back to Cas, and instead of falling back into the taste of his lips, he went a little lower and latched onto a collarbone. Cas moaned lewdly, hand gripping Dean’s shoulder, as Dean worked his way across Cas’ chest, down his torso, examining the tattoos with his tongue. He laved at each pierced nipple appreciatively, drawing noises of praise from the owners of said nipples.

Dean reached what might previously have been daunting; the zipper of Cas’ black jeans. Right now though, they were simply an inconvenience. Not that they couldn’t be useful. Dean smirked up at Cas’ face – looking already wrecked – from under his eyelashes, and leaned forward. He started to mouth at Cas’ hardness through too many layers of fabric, but still, Dean watched Cas’ head tip back in elation.

“Fuck, Dean,” he breathed, hands moving to tangle in Dean’s short hair. His hips made tiny movements, trying to restrain themselves from grinding into Dean’s face. Not that he’d be stopped.

Dean stopped teasing, unlatching the button, then slowly, tortuously unzipping the zip. All the while making eye contact with the brilliant blue above him. Finally, the barriers were down to grey-black boxer-briefs, still too many layers. Dean could feel the heat radiating off of the man before him even before he pulled down the jeans and boxers. Cas willingly stepped out of them; completely nude now. He seemed to find this disagreeable.

“Dean,” he said, smirking. “Not that I’m not loving this. But why do you still have clothes on?”

Dean grinned and stood to strip, preening slightly in Cas’ unwavering gaze. Eventually, they were both naked, grinning like idiots at each other. Cas stepped forward, pressing the full length of his body against the full length of Dean’s. At the first touch of Dean’s hard cock to Cas’, he gasped. “Fuck,” he muttered, unable to stop himself from distancing them slightly, simply so he could look down at their two members, trapped between him and Cas.

Dean felt lips mouth hotly on his neck, occasionally biting gentle marks there. It made his cock dribble precome. Cas noticed and grinned. “You like that, huh?”

Dean just nodded, unable to speak. He was still grasping onto some fathomable idea that he held any control here, so he pushed Cas away, watching his mouth drop open in surprise as his knees buckled over the side of the bed. Dean crawled over him, smirking, until he reached Cas lips. He kissed Cas fiercely like he couldn’t breathe. Their cocks touched, and Dean ground his hips down into Cas’, making the other man gasp. Dean reached down, impatient, and wrapped a hand around them both, fumbling before gripping them tightly.

Castiel grinned against his lips. “Where’d you learn to do that?” he asked, panting slightly, with wide eyes.

“Hng,” Dean said, words eluding him by the slick slide of skin on skin. He gasped, trying to remember the question he’d been asked. “Heh, since I figured I wasn’t, y’know, straight, I may have done some… research.”

Cas breathed a laugh. “Good boy.” He bucked his hips up into the tight circle of Dean’s fist, head falling back onto the bed with pleasure. “Fuck, Dean,” he groaned. “Close.”

“Me too,” Dean panted, increasing his pace. “Look at me,” he added.

Cas lifted his head, propping himself up on his elbows. “Pictured this so many times.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah,” Cas moaned, eyes slipping shut for just a moment before opening again.

“Am I living up to your expectations?” Dean asked with a grin.

“More than,” Cas said vehemently, reaching up to pull Dean’s lips to his. They met in a searing kiss, and the intensity of it pushed Dean over the edge. His rhythm faltered, and he spilled over his hand, come spurting onto the flat planes of Cas’ tensed stomach. Cas cursed and his hand shot down to his own cock, pumping it furiously a few times until he followed Dean over the edge. His lips parted, his eyes squeezed shut, and he fell down onto the mattress.

Dean collapsed on top of him, too exhausted and overwhelmed to do anything else, not caring about the mess gluing him to Cas. He buried his face into the crook of Cas’ sweat-dampened neck, both men’s chests heaving with the exertion.

After a minute or two of just lying there, Cas croaked out, “Dean, crushing me…”

Dean rolled off Cas, spreading out beside him. “Sorry.”

Cas shrugged, regaining his breath. “Worth it.”

“Yeah?” Dean looked over at Cas’ flushed face, looking thoroughly debauched.

Cas grinned up at the ceiling. “Oh yeah.” His grin dimmed and his hand moved to the mess covering his torso. “I would quite like a shower, though.”

“Yeah,” Dean agreed. “Me too. You wanna share?”

Cas turned his head, watching Dean with a mischevious grin. “I’d like that.”

 

The two showered, brushed their teeth, changed into clean underwear, and slid into bed. It was what they’d done for the past few weeks and yet something had changed. Dean felt it, as Cas curled into his side, warm breath ghosting over Dean’s chest. Something good.

The next day was a Friday, and Dean got off work early, so decided to visit Charlie at her job in the library. It had been far too long since he’d had a movie night with his friends, so tonight was gonna be the night.

He wandered into the vast library, making his way over to the help desk where Charlie usually was. He was in no rush – her shift wasn’t over for another half-hour, and he was waiting for Cas to meet them there once Charlie got off.

He recognised the girl behind the desk as Tessa – a coworker of Charlie’s – and smiled at her. “Charlie around?” he asked, leaning on the counter.

“She’s in the back sorting things, she’ll be five minutes,” Tessa said, smiling back.

Dean nodded. “Okay, I’ll just,” he gestured at the rows of books. “Browse.”

Tessa laughed softly and waved a hand that said ‘do what you want’, before going back to whatever she was doing before.

Dean made his way to the nearest bookshelf, absently running a finger over the spines. Nolan, Norman, Nourse, _Novak_. His finger hovered over Novak, he chuckled slightly, reading the title. “Who I am today,” he murmured, “by Chuck Novak.” He picked up the book, flipping it over to read the synopsis. He frowned, reading, and rereading it.

_Young Castiel was given everything he could ever ask for. But what happens when all of that gets taken away?_

The front cover depicted a boy from behind, longish black hair, wearing a leather jacket and holding a lit cigarette. Dean blinked. It couldn’t be. Could it? It must just be one huge coincidence. Then again, Cas’ dad was a writer…

“Tessa,” Dean called, turning to her. “Do you know anything about this Chuck Novak guy?”

Tessa looked up from her paperwork and saw the book held in Dean’s hand. “Oh,” her face lit up. “Yeah, Novak – he used to go by the pen name Carver Edlund, wrote a really popular series called _Supernatural_ , and then all of a sudden he loses the pen name and publishes this,” she gestured towards the book. “It’s good – totally different to his other stuff, though.”

“Why did he stop using a pen name?” Dean asked, walking over to the desk.

Tessa shrugged. “No one knows. He’s so mysterious.”

There was a sense of unease crawling in Dean’s bones. He cleared his throat. “So you’ve read this?”

Tessa nodded enthusiastically. “Oh yeah, Novak’s one of my favourite authors.”

“What’s it about?” Dean asked cautiously.

“Well,” Tessa began, putting down her pen. “There’s this boy called _Casteel_ ,” Dean winced but said nothing. “And he’s studying to become a doctor, grew up with a wealthy family and all that, but then he suddenly decides he doesn’t have enough – and he wants to experience _life,_ so he leaves everything behind-“

Dean cut her off with a raised hand. “That’s enough, uh, thanks.”

“Are you okay, Dean?”

“Yeah, I’m… I’m fine.” Dean walked over to the soft, burgundy chairs in the corner, flopping down and still staring at the book.

He had to make sure. Just… make sure. Only the first few pages, he told himself.

A few minutes later Dean threw the paper-back down onto the chair beside him, huffing in disbelief. Blue eyes, black hair, Chicago… this book was about Cas. Did he know? He must have known, you can’t write a book about someone without them knowing, right?

Dean ran a hand across his face. It felt _wrong_ that he could just open a book and learn details, secrets, of Cas’ life. They might not even be true. Should he tell Cas he found the book? Dean sat and stared at the book, weighing his options, before he was startled by a voice behind him.

“He _wrote_ a fucking _book_ about me?!” Castiel yelled, voice sounding dangerous.

Dean turned to look at Cas, standing there in shock, slack-jawed and pale. “Cas?” Dean asked, standing.

“He… I can’t… I don’t…” Cas said, frowning. “I need to sit down.” With that, he sank to the floor where he stood.

Dean rushed around to crouch beside him, hand finding Cas’ shoulder. “Cas, you okay?” he asked.

Castiel swallowed thickly. “He wrote a book about me,” he said quietly, staring at the chair in front of him.

“You didn’t know?” Dean asked, kneeling beside his boyfriend.

“No, I…” Cas shook his head, then suddenly looked worriedly at Dean. “Did you read it?”

“What? No! Well... only the first two pages to make sure it was about you.”

Cas nodded. “Okay, um, okay,” he mumbled, leaning his head on Dean’s shoulder.

“You okay?”

Cas laughed humourlessly. “Not really.” He sighed, “I suppose I have to read it now.”

“I mean, you don’t _have_ to,” Dean reasoned. “I could, if you want.”

“No,” Cas said bluntly. “Please. I mean, at least until I have. I don’t know what’s in there.”

“Yeah, no, of course.” Dean wrapped an arm around Cas. “Whatever you want.”

“Uh,” Charlie’s shoes came into view beside Dean. “Hey guys, you know there are chairs, like, right next to you.”

Dean looked up at her. “We know,” he rolled his eyes. “We’re kinda… he um…” Dean trailed off.

“My dad wrote a book about me,” Cas supplied.

“And that’s… bad?” Charlie guessed. “Wait!” she exclaimed, noticing the book sitting on the chairs next to them. “You don’t mean _that_ book, do you?” she asked, pointing to the paper-back book.

Cas nodded solemnly. “You’ve read it?” he asked, disheartened.

Charlie shook her head. “I haven’t had a chance to read that one yet, but I’ve read his other books. Holy crap, Cas – your dad is Carver Edlund?” Charlie squealed.

Cas sighed and stood up, pulling Dean up beside him. “Well, I’m glad _someone’s_ happy about it.”

“What? Why aren’t you happy about it?” Charlie asked, frowning.

“Cas didn’t know it existed,” Dean explained. “And it’s about pretty… personal stuff.”

Charlie baulked. “That’s gotta be illegal or something!”

Cas shrugged. “It’s shitty, whatever it is. No change there, I guess.”

“I’m sorry, Cas. That sucks.” Charlie pulled him into a hug.

 

Cas rented out the book apprehensively, but he said that having Dean and Charlie backing him up lessened the pain of being reminded of his past. The three of them picked up Dorothy on the way to the dorms, and Charlie briefly explained what happened.

They got through all of Bladerunner before curiosity got the better of Cas. He stood up from his place beside Dean on the bed and walked over to his bag. “I’ve got to read it,” he explained to the others.

“Do you want us to leave?” Dorothy asked kindly.

Cas shook his head and sat down on the desk chair. “Nah, you can stay. Just don’t watch anything good without me.”

“We could just watch TV and talk,” Charlie suggested.

So Dean stuck on Archer and Cas put on some headphones and settled down to read. As soon as he began, Charlie turned on Dean.

“So,” she began, an evil glint in her eye. “How’s you and Cas going? We haven’t talked like this in ages.”

Dean rolled his eyes. “It’s going great, Charlie.” He glanced over at Cas, but he seemed absorbed in his book. “Really great,” he added, a smile creeping onto his face unbidden.

Charlie squealed softly. “That’s great, Dean. You seem so happy.”

“I am,” he agreed, before shoving her playfully. “Now shut up so we can watch Archer.”

 

About half an hour later, Cas pushed the headphones from his head, sighing. “This is fucking ridiculous,” he said. “ _He turned away from his lover, a frown appearing on his lips. He felt uneasy. He needed something_ more, _but this couldn’t be it. This felt wrong._ ” Cas scoffed. “How dare he. How fucking _dare_ he say that about Samandriel.”

Dean stood and walked over to Cas, wrapping an arm around his chest and placing a kiss on the top of his head. “Are you sure you want to do this?” he asked softly.

Cas sighed. “I don’t _want_ to, but I feel like I have to. It’s fucking twisted and wildly inaccurate for one thing. I’m glad you didn’t read it.”

“Trust me, if it started saying shit like that I would’ve stopped,” Dean said.

Cas let his head fall onto the back of the chair so he was looking at Dean’s upside-down face. “I know you would,” he said softly.

Dean bent down to kiss Cas chastely on the lips.

Charlie wolf-whistled, ruining the moment, and Dean chuckled. “You got this,” he told Cas, before straightening up. “Hey,” he added as an afterthought. “You want me to call Sam? I feel like there’s some illegal shit here.”

Cas shrugged. “I don’t see why not.”

Dean nodded and left the room, pulling out his phone.

After explaining everything, Sam snorted. “Not necessarily illegal, but one-hundred percent sue-able. You could get him for defamation.”

Dean huffed. “I’ll take your word for that.”

“I’m serious though, Dean. You could sue the hell outta him.”

“I’ll talk to Cas about it. But Sammy, where are we gonna get a lawyer? We’re students for god’s sake.”

Sam cleared his throat. “Ahem,” he said. “Aren’t you forgetting about a certain brother?”

“You’re in law school – you can’t represent us in court.”

Dean practically heard the eye-roll over the phone. “I _know,_ Dean. Doesn’t mean I haven’t made some big-shot lawyer friends,” Sam said smugly.

“Wait, for real?” Dean asked, perking up.

“You bet. There’s this woman – Jody Mills – you remember that time I resuscitated that girl Alex?”

Dean snorted. “Of course.”

“Jody’s her mom. She owes me, and she’s a pretty big name.”

“Holy shit, thanks, Sam. I’ll talk to Cas before you do anything though, got it?”

“Of course, Dean.”

 

The girls had left hours ago and Dean and Cas were laying in bed. Dean had just finished explaining everything Sam had told him.

Cas raised his eyebrows and shook his head. He laughed in disbelief. “Let’s sue my fuckin’ dad.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Over 50k words! My longest ever fic! Thank you guys for the kudos and comments, you're amazing.   
> Our boys just can't catch a break ;)   
> -B


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whoops, I didn't upload on Wednesday so here it is today. :D

And that's how Cas ended up in Dean’s Impala speeding down a freeway somewhere in Missouri headed to Chicago. He’s not quite as sure how Gabriel ended up in the back seat – apparently he wanted to be moral support and Dean thought that was a good idea. Which it may have been, but he hadn’t shut up for the last three hours and it was starting to give Cas a headache.

“Gabe, would you just be quiet for like, fifteen minutes?” Cas asked, massaging his temples.

“What’s in it for me?” Gabe asked.

“A non-homicidal brother?” Cas suggested. “And I guess we can go to Angelo’s when we get there.”

A smile lit up Gabe’s face. “It has been _so_ long since I’ve had a cup of heaven. Deal.”

Cas sighed happily and rested his head back on the seat. He felt Dean’s hand move to his thigh and he smiled. If this ordeal had happened three weeks ago, there’s no telling what state Cas would be in. But now? With Dean, and his (blessedly quiet) brother there with him? He felt actually, genuinely pretty okay. Not great – because his father continued to be an asshole even after he got cut entirely out of Castiel’s life – but okay. And that in itself was a small miracle.

Dean’s phone buzzed from beside him. Cas heard him pick it up. “Sam and Jody’s flight gets in at five tomorrow,” he said.

Cas smiled and huffed, still disbelieving that someone would be so nice to him – someone they hardly knew.

“What?” Dean asked.

Cas shook his head. “Your brother is very kind,” he explained, opening his eyes to smile at Dean.

He grinned. “Sure is. You’d better not leave me for him,” Dean warned, jokingly.

Cas chuckled. “You’re more amazing, Dean, don’t worry.”

Dean smiled sheepishly. “Yeah, yeah. I know.”

Cas had only read about half of his father's book so far, so he picked it up and opened it to the makeshift bookmark to continue reading. 

 

They stopped at a motel overnight because apparently Gabe gets carsick if he tries to sleep in a moving car. In the morning, they only had four more hours to drive to get to Chicago.

“Are you sure you don’t want me to drive?” Cas offered in the parking lot, as they were waiting for Gabe.

Dean chuckled. “Sorry babe, I don’t even let Sam drive her.”

Cas smiled at the endearment. “I understand. She’s your baby.”

“You got that right.”

“Yo, bitches! What’re we waitin’ for?!” Gabe came running from his motel room, dragging his suitcase behind him. “Let’s go! Let’s go!”

“Gabe, how much coffee have you had this morning?” Cas asked, getting into the front seat of the Impala.

“Not important, baby bro. What is important, is that the coffee in there is really good! Like, the best coffee I’ve had at a motel!”

Dean groaned. “How long is he gonna be like this?” he asked, starting the engine.

“Probably until Chicago,” Cas said, sighing forlornely.

“Maybe I should think about installing one of those partition things, like in cabs,” Dean suggested, pulling away from the parking lot.

Cas chuckled. “It may be necessary. Or you could just never drive Gabe anywhere ever again.”

Dean frowned and nodded. “That’s a smart idea.”

Gabriel was busy counting the red cars passing them. “Six!” he yelled, almost making Dean swerve into oncoming traffic.

Dean sighed and rolled his eyes. “Four more hours,” he muttered.

 

It was weird being back in Chicago. Cas vaguely recognised most of the buildings they passed on the way to the motel they’d be staying at – he even thought he knew some of the people; even though that was unlikely.

Gabe hadn’t let them forget that he’d promised they could go to Angelo’s coffee shop – so they were heading there first. Cas gave simple directions for Dean to follow, and in fifteen minutes they were at a parking lot nearby. “We’re here,” Dean said, making Gabe’s head shoot up from the Nintendo DS he had been using to entertain himself.

Dean scoffed. “I don’t see how you get carsick from sleeping, but not from playing video games in a moving car. Why do you even have that?”

Gabe glared at Dean. “None of your beeswax.”

Once they were outside, Cas stretched widely, working out the knots from sitting still for hours. Dean came up beside him and took his hand. “How you doin’?” he asked.

“Pretty good,” Cas nodded. “It’s weird, but it’s okay.”

“Good,” Dean said, and leaned forward to kiss Cas softly. “Coffee?” he asked eagerly.

“Coffee,” Cas agreed.

Gabriel made a gagging noise from behind them. “God, you guys better not act so lovesick this whole time, I might have to get a bag to put over my head,” he grumbled, marching over to the coffee shop.

Cas rolled his eyes. “He doesn’t really care. Let’s go.”

Angelo’s was just as Cas remembered it. Quaint, quiet, and smelling like heaven.

“Fuck, I’ve missed this place,” Gabe announced, darting over to the counter to admire the pastries.

Cas grinned widely, “so have I.”

* * *

 

Dean hadn’t let go of Cas’ hand. He didn’t want to. The coffee shop was nice, and it smelled divine. It was obvious they made proper coffee, too, if the bags of various coffee beans on the shelves behind the counter were anything to go by. Cas led Dean up to the counter and pointed out a pecan pie – Dean nearly drooled all over the display.

The bamboo hanging door beads behind the counter rustled, revealing a… person. Dean wasn’t sure if they were a man or a woman. They had short, red hair, blue eyes, and a septum piercing, and were wearing fairly gender-ambiguous clothes.

Dean felt Cas let go of his hand. “Maz?” he asked, sounding shocked.

Maz looked at Cas, then double-took. “Castiel?” they asked, then grinned. “Where the fuck’ve you been, man? I’ve missed you.”

Maz came around the counter and wrapped their arms around Cas, who reciprocated, laughing. They broke apart. “I… I left,” Cas explained, still smiling. “Gabe helped me get clean and I moved to Austin. How’ve you been?”

Maz raised their eyebrows. “You coulda told me. Austin? Really? Holy shit, man. I’m good – I’m good.”

Cas’ face fell slightly. “Sorry I didn’t tell you – I didn’t tell anyone, we just… left. I didn’t expect to see any of you guys again, to be honest.”

Maz shook their head. “Don’t worry about it – I get it. So what are you doing in town? And who’s your friend?” They looked at Dean, grinning slyly.

“Uh, Maz, this is my boyfriend – Dean. Dean, this is Maz. We, uh, we were friends.”

“Boyfriend,  huh?” Maz asked, eyebrows raised in surprise. “You really have moved on.” They chuckled. “It’s good to meet you, Dean. You better be treatin’ Castiel right.” They extended a hand for Dean to shake, and he did.

“Good to meet you too, I’m doing my best.” Dean grinned nervously.

Cas rolled his eyes and pushed Dean playfully. “He’s amazing. He sells himself short. He drove us here just for my shitty family drama.”

Maz raised an eyebrow. “Family drama, huh? What’s goin’ on? I need to beat someone up?”

Cas chuckled and shook his head. “Nah – I’m just gonna sue my dad. No biggie.”

“You’re gonna sue Chuck? Way to go!” Maz laughed. “We gotta catch up – but I’m working right now. Where you guys staying anyway?”

“A motel somewhere near fifty-ninth,” Cas answered, digging his phone from his pocket. “Gimme your number, I’ll text you.”

Maz took the phone but shook their head. “No way are you guys staying at some shitty motel – I got a spare room and a pull-out couch. You guys can crash with me.”

“Are you sure? I don’t wanna intrude,” Cas said apprehensively.

Maz snorted. “You won’t be intruding. It’s just me ‘n Ash and he won’t give a shit – if he’s even awake.”

“You’re living with Ash now?” Cas asked, taking back his phone. “I did not see that coming.”

“We’re not a thing or anything,” Maz said. “Just roommates born of convenience.”

“Still,” Cas shrugged. “Okay, so you can text me your address if you’re sure?”

“’Course.” Maz’ face softened. “It’s good to see you, man.” They smiled. “You come for coffee, or what?”

Cas chuckled and smiled. “Three black coffees and a slice of pecan pie, please.”

“And two of these cherry tart things,” Gabe added from across the room.

“Comin’ right up.”

Cas was still smiling at Maz, and Dean looked between the two with interest, and maybe a little suspicion. They seemed very friendly with each other. Dean tried to shake it off, but wrapped an arm around Cas’ waist anyway. Cas smiled over at him and leaned in to the touch.

 

Coffees and pastries in hand, the trio went back to the Impala ten minutes later. Dean made them stand outside until they’d finished their coffees, but it was a sunny day and they’d been cooped inside the car all day, so nobody minded.

Soon enough they put their empty coffee cups in the trash and were on their way to the address Maz had told Cas. It was only ten minutes away – and apparently this _Ash_ person would let them in.

The area was a little run down but not too bad, and Dean felt comfortable leaving the Impala in the parking lot beside the building.

As soon as they got out of the car, Gabe decided he wanted snacks and rushed off to the convenience store they’d passed on the way, so Dean and Cas waited for him, leaning against the side of the Impala in the sunshine.

“So,” Dean began. “Maz…”

“We haven’t fucked, if that’s what you’re asking,” Cas said bluntly.

Dean felt some tension release that he hadn’t known he’d been holding. “Okay. And you’re okay? Seeing… her? Him?”

Cas laughed. “Them, but they don’t really care what you call them. And yes, again, it’s weird but it’s fine.” He smiled slightly sadly.

Dean nodded. “And you’re not gonna, like… wanna stay here or anything?”

Cas rolled his eyes. “Nope. I’m good back home with you.” He turned to smile at Dean.

“Cool.” There was a moment of silence where they just smiled at each other, before Dean spoke again. “So we’ve got a few hours before Sam and Jody get here. Anything you wanna do?”

Cas shrugged. “I’d imagine Maz wants to catch up,” he hesitated. “As long as that’s okay with you,” he rushed to add.

“Yeah, sure. They uh, they seem cool.”

Cas narrowed his eyes. “You were jealous, weren’t you?”

Dean scoffed. “What!? No.”

Cas giggled. “You were! That’s adorable.”

“Shut up,” Dean said, but it had no malice, and he smiled a second later. "And don't  _giggle,_ or I might have to do this." Dean leaned over and kissed Castiel's smiling mouth.

 

Once Gabe came back they made their way up to the fourth floor – along to apartment number nine.

Cas knocked, and after a good four minutes, the door opened, revealing a man with a mullet smoking a cigarette that smelled like it didn’t only contain tobacco.

He narrowed his eyes at Dean and Gabe before seeing Cas and grinning. “Castiel! How’ve you been?” he asked, opening the door wider to let them in.

“I’ve been good, I uh, I moved to Austin,” Cas said as the three of them went inside. The living room was tidy but cluttered at the same time. Most of the doors were replaced with hanging beads and there were more plants than Dean thought belonged indoors. There was the overhanging scent of weed and incense,  but it wasn’t overpowering at all.

“Austin, huh? I’ve got a cousin there,” the guy who Dean assumed was Ash said.

“Who? Maybe I know them,” Cas said, putting his backpack down on the couch.

“Her name’s Dorothy. Dorothy Baum?” Ash said.

“No way!” Cas exclaimed, laughing. “She’s like, one of our best friends, that’s awesome.”

“We don’t really keep in touch – but she was always one of the cool cousins,” Ash said, closing the front door and putting out his cigarette in an ashtray. “Guest room’s in there,” he pointed to a door in the corner of the room. “And I’ll set up the pull-out later.”

“Thanks, Ash.” Cas flopped down onto the couch and looked around before seeming to remember something. “Oh, Ash – this is my boyfriend, Dean – and my brother, Gabriel.”

“Good to meet you, man,” Ash said, taking Dean’s hand. “Can’t believe someone tied Cas down.”

“Hey!” Cas said from the couch. “What happens in the bedroom stays in the bedroom.”

Ash laughed. “You haven’t changed.” He moved to Gabe who was examining a tapestry on the wall. “And the famous brother, huh? You were a legend back in the day, man.”

That got Gabe’s attention. “I was?” he asked.

“Yeah, totally! Castiel told us all about your pranks and shit – they sounded awesome.”

Gabe grinned. “I am as good as the stories make me out to be.”

Cas snorted. “Don’t be too flattered, Gabe, I didn’t _just_ tell them the cool stuff.”

Gabe looked mock-offended. “There is _only_ cool stuff, little brother.”

* * *

 

About an hour later, their bags had been moved from the Impala to the guest room, and Dean and Cas were sitting on the bed – exhausted.

“So,” Cas said. “What’d’ya think?”  

“Of Ash?” Dean asked, rolling over to face him.

Cas shrugged. “Yeah, of all of it.”

“They seem cool,” Dean hesitated. “I gotta ask, though, are these guys like… uh… y’know… addicts? Like you were? Do I have anything to worry about?”

Cas’ face fell, and he shook his head. “They’re from… before. I mean, after Samandriel, but before… the worst of it. They stuck with me – mind you – but Maz wouldn’t touch anything hard like that. Shrooms and weed are their limit as far as I know.”

Dean gave a relieved sigh. “Okay. Good. I just… I worry, y’know? I care about you, Cas.”

Cas felt his heart speed up. “I know. Thank you,” he said softly. “I care about you too.” He gazed at Dean and tried to convey how he felt.

Dean grinned. “Cas, not for nothin’, but the last person that looked at me like that, I got laid.”

Cas raised an eyebrow and shrugged. “We’ve got time before dinner.”

Dean smirked. “Shouldn’t we wait until after?”

“They have a shower,” Cas reasoned.

“You make a good argument.” Dean rolled on top of Cas, pinning him down and capturing his lips in a kiss.

 

Cas made short work of their clothes, and before long he had Dean’s hard cock in his mouth.

“Fuck, Cas,” Dean moaned, hands grabbing at the sheets. “You really know how to use that tongue.”

Cas hummed around Dean’s cock in response, hollowing out his cheeks. Dean’s hand moved to Cas’ hair, threading his fingers through it. “’M close,” he mumbled.

Before Cas could comprehend that, the door was being opened and Ash appeared. Cas let Dean’s cock slip out of his mouth as the other man scrambled to cover himself up.

“Oh, wow. Hi guys,” Ash said disinterestedly. Cas lazily covered up his genitals with a pillow.

“Ash?” he prompted.

“Oh, right, yeah. Maz is home. We were gonna ask if you guys wanted vegan burgers for dinner.”

“That sounds great,” Cas said, then, when Ash didn’t leave. “Did you want something else?” Dean was still having a mild panic attack.

“Nope,” Ash said, and wandered back outside, closing the door behind him.

Dean groaned and threw his head back onto the pillows. “Fuck.”

“Yeah, he’s like that,” Cas said, noting with disappointment that Dean’s boner had flagged. “Shall we wait until tonight to continue here?” he asked.

“I think that’s a good idea.” Dean sighed and grabbed his boxer-briefs from the floor, pulling them on. “Hey, what time is it? Sam should be here soon.”

Cas checked his phone on the nightstand. “It’s quarter past five,” he said, standing to get dressed.

“I hope they find the place okay, I’m not the best at directions,” Dean said absentmindedly as he pulled on his jeans.

Cas smiled. “I’m sure they will, I think Sam can use Google Maps just fine.” He picked up his father's book from the bedside table and fiddled with the pages until Dean looked over at him. 

"How far you got to go?" 

Cas looked up at him. "About a hundred pages, I should finish it tonight." 

Dean nodded and shrugged on his shirt, before coming over and kissing Cas on the head. 

* * *

 

Sam and Jody arrived just as Dean and Castiel stumbled out of their room. Dean heard the tail end of Gabe’s greeting and groaned internally.

“…Castiel’s brother and third in line to the throne of Bhutan.”

“Uh, it’s nice to meet you,” came Sam’s unsure voice responded.

Dean watched as Gabe disregarded Sam’s extended hand and threw his arms around him, muttering, “come here you big, beautiful man.”

Sam looked positively terrified. It was kind of hilarious. “You’ve met Gabe, I see,” Cas sounded less thrilled about his brother’s antics.

“Yeah, hey Cas,” Sam said, patting Gabe on the shoulder and moving over to Castiel and Dean.

He enveloped Dean in a bone-crushing hug, then did the same to Cas – although Dean heard him whispering to Cas. “I’m glad you took my advice.”

Cas snorted when they broke apart. “Hardly.”

Sam raised an eyebrow. “You’ll have to tell me later. Right now, though, I’m starving.”

“Vegan burgers coming right up!” Ash called from the kitchen area of the open-plan living room.

“Sounds great,” Sam said. “Oh, and this is Jody.”

The woman was just putting down her suitcase by the door. She had short, brown hair, and looked kind, but like someone who would’ve told Dean off when he was younger. “Nice to meet you,” she said, smiling at them. “Sam’s told me a lot about his brother.”

“That would be me,” Dean said, stepping forward. “All good things I hope?” He extended a hand for her to take.

She chuckled and shared a look with Sam.

“Oh no,” Dean said, only half joking.

Jody smiled and turned to Cas. “Castiel, I presume?”

“That’s me,” Cas said, smiling. “And I have to say, thank you, Ms Mills – this is very kind of you.”

Jody shook her head. “Nonsense. Sam’s a friend, and I owe him, it’s no problem. And call me Jody.”

“Okay, Jody. Thanks anyway.”

* * *

 

After all the introductions had been made, the seven of them crowded around a small dining table and enjoyed some surprisingly good vegan burgers made by Ash, and Cas caught them up on what had been happening, Dean spoke. “So, what’s the plan for tomorrow?”

They had talked about it during the journey, but hadn’t discussed it with Sam or Jody.

“First things first, do you think your father would be willing to negotiate without bringing the law into it?” Jody asked, buttering a roll.

Cas thought for a moment. “I doubt it, but there’s a chance – if we threatened him with legal action.”

“So would you be okay with talking to him first of all?” Sam asked.

“I suppose so,” Cas sighed. “Can I bring some backup, though?”

“I’ll come, if you want me to,” Dean said, squeezing Cas’ hand under the table.

“I’d be happy to as well,” Sam said.

“Me too,” Maz added.

“And me,” Ash said.

“I’m here for you, little bro,” Gabe grinned from across the table.

“I don’t think a troop of seven  is really needed, but I’m fine with coming too,” Jody said, chuckling.

Cas grinned. “Thanks guys. I think… I think I’ll take Dean and Sam. Dean for moral support, Sam for badass lawyer-y presence.”

Sam laughed. “I can do that.”

The group settled back into easy conversation and Cas felt fewer nerves for the next day than he thought he would – sitting there beside his boyfriend, two of his old best friends, his brother, and two ridiculously kind near-strangers. It was all weirdly okay.


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sup! Ever so sorry for not updating for ages, but don't fear, I am back. I was *super* sick last week and anything that I wrote down would have been sickness, hazy mumbo jumbo. I think this fic is slowly but surely drawing to a close, and it has certainly been a blast <3 PS I might a little bit already be working on something new... Anyway, enjoy!  
> -B

The book sat by the bed, dog eared now, two pages about Castiel’s tragic backstory face-down on the carpet. Two men lay sleeping above it, dreaming about each other because that’s what their brains have begun to default to when there’s a shortage of good-dreams to be doled out. One man rolled over, arm falling off the edge of the bed and dragging lazily across the front cover. He snuffled, his fingers twitched where they lay, and he woke up.

Cas instantly felt wide awake. It seemed impossible to try to sleep now – at nearly four a.m. the day before he was planning to see his parents again. His hands seemed to have found the book that brought him here – if Castiel were superstitious he might think that the universe was trying to tell him something. Which he wasn’t, but that didn’t stop him from picking up the book and turning on the bedside lamp – suffusing the small room in dim orange light. There were only two or three chapters to go, and Castiel figured he may as well finished the book before confronting the author.

It was forty minutes later on the final page that he found it. One, measly little paragraph where Chuck Novak broke the fourth wall and changed everything.

 _In these stories, never – not once – does the author explain the thoughts of the parent. But what if they did? What if they took the time to say hey, son, I don’t blame you. I don’t hate you. I don’t wish you never came back. I don’t agree with all your decisions, but they’re yours to make, and they don’t, not ever, stop a father from loving his son. What if the last chapter of a book told of a man who just wants his little boy back? And what if they asked, sent a note to the universe at large that said this:_  
_Dear Mr, Ms, or whoever may be in charge,_  
_My name is Chuck Novak and I've lost my son. I think he may have fallen behind the bookcase or maybe he slipped between some of the papers on my desk (I really must take more care, I know, I’m working on it). To be honest, I’m not entirely sure where he is, but I’m hoping that perhaps you can help me find him again – because I’ve been told that this is what people do; when they’ve asked their God, their priest and their town crier – they’ve asked the greengrocer, the sculptor and themselves, and they’ve been failed, they turn to the universe. It’s thought quite a pointless exercise, I’m afraid, because the universe is not really sentient, but it’s worth a shot – must be, at this point. So here goes – universe – I’m asking as a father who’s lost his son, and as a son who never had a father, and as everything in between; would you bring my Castiel back? Just one little favour would make an old man who’s getting older so very happy._  
_Yours sincerely and hopefully,_  
_One Mr Novak (the one with the little grey beard in Chicago)._

Castiel stared at the words on the page. They had started to slide about a bit because he’d been at it for so long – unsure of the reliability of his eyes and his brain.

An arm heavy and imprecise with sleep was slung over his waist and Castiel wondered if it was time to get up soon. Time to face the day – his parents.  
He felt Dean’s lips mouthing at his side, bare from where his shirt had been flung across the room by Dean’s comforting hand the night before as they each discarded the others clothes in their haste to come together. Castiel always had been impatient.

“Hey babe,” Dean mumbled finally, wrapping an arm around one of Castiel’s legs and hugging it closer. Cas’ hand dropped down to smooth down Dean’s hair, mussed from sleep and the night before.

“Good morning,” he replied, voice thick from sleep and disuse. “We might have a problem.”

Dean’s eyes cracked open, taking in his boyfriend. “What? What’s wrong?”

Castiel said nothing, just handed the open book to Dean. “Read.”

  
“I came here to sue you,” Cas stated truthfully upon the door being swung open, ostentatious door knocker clacking loudly as it hit the wall. His father’s eyes widened and his mouth started working, opening and closing like a fish. Then Cas added, “then I finished your book.”

“ _Who I am Today_?” Chuck asked, clearly surprised.

Castiel nodded. “Yes," he said, then, "did you mean it?”

“Of course,” he said earnestly. “I wouldn’t have written it if I didn’t.”

Cas dropped his eyes so he wasn’t looking into his fathers big sad eyes. He thought for a moment more before stepping forward into his childhood home and wrapping his arms around his father. He still smelled like coffee and books. It made Cas nauseatingly nostalgic as he clung to Chuck’s baggy over-shirt and practically felt himself shrinking back to four feet and an inch (the inch seemed important at the time) with sticky fingers from candy Gabriel had snuck in for him after hanging out with his friends. Castiel didn’t have friends when he was ten. Chuck hadn’t been subtle about that when he wrote it into his book. With resolve, Cas took a step back and glared at his father. “This doesn’t make us cool.”

Chuck nodded quickly and his eyes slid behind Castiel to Dean. Cas glanced back and then took Dean’s hand in his. This was the test.

Castiel drew a deep breath into his lungs. “Father, this is Dean – my boyfriend.”

Chuck looked between them, expression unchanged, the air supercharged with his decision. Dean squeezed his hand in comfort.

Chuck nodded. The universe shrank down in size to his father’s small smile. “It’s good to meet you,” he muttered. “Won’t you both come inside?” He turned to shuffle back inside the dark hallway.

Castiel followed him inside, Dean trailing behind. “Where’s mother?” Cas asked.

Chuck stopped abruptly, mid-stride. Cas crashed into his back and Dean into Cas.

“Oh, you didn’t hear?” Chuck asked awkwardly. “We’re divorced.”

Castiel’s jaw went slack. “What? Why?”

His father shrugged and continued his journey into the house. “Many reasons. The last chapter of that book was the final straw, though.”

“Oh,” Castiel said, absorbing the new information. “So, she’s not…”

“No. I’m sorry.”

Cas shook his head. “No, I… One for two isn’t bad.”

They had arrived at a lavish but cluttered living room and Chuck turned to his son with an earnest gleam in his eye. “I’m glad you came and found me.”

Cas considered this for a moment. “Me too,” he said at last, voice quiet.

* * *

 

They went into the living room and then it was Dean’s time to shine.

“So, Dean… What do you do?” Chuck asked, fiddling with his sleeve as he collapsed into a well worn armchair.

“I go to university with Cas, sir.” He stepped forward.

Chuck’s eyes snapped to Castiel. “You go to university?”

Cas rubbed the back of his neck self consciously, a habit he’d learned from Dean. “Um, yeah. Carrying on with medicine,” he mumbled.

Chuck beamed. “That’s great, Castiel, that’s really great.” He was grinning and stuttering a little. He struck Dean as quite a nervous man, for how afraid Cas was of coming here. “And what do you study, Dean?” He looked at Dean expectantly.

“Engineering, sir.”

Chuck nodded. “And how long have the two of you been…?” He gestured between them.

“Ahh, about a month?” Castiel answered, extending the truth a little. In reality it had only been a week or two, but it felt like longer because of the dance they’d been doing since they met.

Chuck smiled kindly. “Well, that’s okay. Naomi and I got married after three months.”

Dean choked on the air. “I mean, I don’t, ah, think we’re quite ready for… for that,” he tripped over the majority of his words and he could tell Cas was laughing at him.

He turned to Dean with laughter in his eyes. “You mean you don’t wanna marry me?” he teased.

“Maybe not yet,” Dean said. “Someday, though…” he whispered.

Something passed between the two of them, Castiel’s eyes softened and he nodded slightly. “Someday.”

* * *

Castiel worked his hands through the arms of his trenchcoat as they stood awkwardly at the front door. 

"So," Chuck said, wringing his hands. "You have my number." 

Cas nodded. "Yes, and you have mine," he said, before muttering, "after an hour of terrible hinting." 

Chuck nodded enthusiastically. "I do! I'll call you!" he practically yelled. 

"I prefer texting," Cas replied, basking in having the upper-hand for once in his life.

"Alright," Chuck nodded again, not unlike a garden bird. "I'll text you." There was a moment of silence before he asked, as if he was bursting with it, "do you want me to keep this from Naomi, and Saman?" 

Cas frowned. "Saman? Why would you have to keep it from him?" 

Chuck looked sheepish. "Well, you know, they're... they're together now," he confessed. 

"What?!" Castiel yelled, with such ferocity that poor Chuck shrank back where he was standing. "You're shitting me?!" 

"Uhm, no, I am not. Not doing that," Chuck said, frowning. "My fault, really. Of course, I had him around here quite a lot for a source on the book, and I suppose they... hit it off." 

" _He_ told you," Castiel muttered, as if understanding something. "I don't know what to say. I suppose they'd be a good match." 

Chuck nodded surprisingly enthusiastically. "Yes! I think they're quite in love!" 

"You don't seem that torn up about it," Dean added suspiciously. 

"You wouldn't be, either, if you knew her," Chuck explained gravely. "She wasn't the easiest woman to be married to." 

Cas made a face of acquiescence. Then, "I think we should probably keep this between us. I think one ghost is enough, for now." 

Chuck nodded. "Of course. Of course. Well, I suppose you'll be going now." 

"Yeah," Cas agreed. "I'll see you, dad." He stepped forward and clapped his father on the shoulder once, looking him over before turning and leaving out the front door, Dean following close behind.

"So," Cas said with forced casualness as the pair made their way down darkening streets towards the diner housing Sam and Jody to discuss what would happen next. "Was that a proposal back there, or...?" He smiled teasingly and nudged his arm against Dean's, but his heart was pounding against his ribs.

Dean shrugged and looked down at his feet on the cracked sidewalk. "Of sorts," he hedged. "I mean, I do, y'know... love you." 

Castiel looked at him sharply, pounding heart falling over itself. Dean was avoiding his gaze, staring off down the road at the rows of streetlights. "You do?" Cas asked once he could breathe.

Dean nodded. "Yeah. Yeah, course I do, Cas." He smiled at him then, small and cautious but it was the most beautiful thing Cas had ever witnessed. 

"Oh," Cas breathed, gazing at the man who loved him in disbelief. He loved Dean too. He loved him so much it hurt. But the words were trapped between iron lips, cast from heartbreak. 

Dean seemed to understand though, so he just smiled down at his feet again and took Cas' hand, swinging it between them as they walked under the darkening sky. There was an idiotic smile on Cas' face that he just couldn't will away, so instead he aimed it at Dean.

* * *

"And you're sure?" Sam asked across the booth from Dean and Cas. 

Castiel nodded. "Yes, I'm sure. He really seemed like a changed man and I fear that the muscle behind abandoning me was mostly my mother. I only feel bad that you two came all the way here for nothing," he said with honesty. 

Jody waved a dismissive hand. "Don't worry about it. I've never been to Chicago - it's nice to have a bit of a vacation, right Sam?" 

Sam nodded. "For sure," he agreed. "I think we're gonna stay a few more days, y'know, see the sights and all that." 

"That's the plan!" Jody grinned at them before shoving her unfinished burger towards Dean. "Here, I'm stuffed. I think I'm gonna head for the night, too. I'll see you all tomorrow." She smiled kindly as she exited the booth and gave a little wave before she walked out of the doors of the diner. 

"What a lovely woman," Cas mused as he watched her go. 

"Oh yeah, Jody's great," Sam agreed. "She's almost like a mother to me and Jess sometimes." He chuckled as if at an inside joke.

"Ah! How's Jess?" Dean grinned like an animal. 

"Oh no," Sam warned, waving a french fry at his brother. "We're not doing this." He shook his head. "No,  _you guys_ are gonna tell me how you finally got together." 

"Well Sammy," Dean said, grabbing a fry for his demonstration. "When two men love each other very much," he began making obscene gestures with the food and as Sam huffed exasperatedly, Cas and Dean shared a private look, Cas smiling softly. 

Then Dean turned, laughing, to his brother. "Like you're ever gonna find out. You still never told me how you met Jess." Sam's cheeks went pink and Castiel reminded himself to find out the story there. 

"I've told you!" he protested. 

Dean shook his head. "Not the real story, come on dude, back me up here Cas!" Dean turned insistently towards Cas, grinning, and Cas couldn't reply. He was too overwhelmed to be sitting beside the man who loved him and his brother, surrounded by so much joy and acceptance. A smile crept onto Castiel's face as he sat there and he took Dean's hand in his, sharing a moment with his lover before he turned to Sam. 

"Come on, Sam. You have to tell us now." 

Sam groaned and his head  _thunked_ down on the table. "No fair!" he groaned, and Dean and Cas laughed. 

 


	23. Chapter 23

Let it be said that Cas didn’t love quietly. He might not have been able to say the words, but he showed them in other ways. He fiercely protected Dean at every turn, even in the smallest ways, and he made love to him with a sort of reverence usually only found in churches. Dean Winchester was the best damn thing to ever happen to him, and Cas wasn’t about to let that go.

In the end, it was two months and a day later Castiel said it back. It was after sex, because of course it was, and Cas was lying, sprawled out beside Dean, both men panting and sweaty, Cas’ head on Dean’s chest. Dean was mumbling sweet nothings into Castiel’s nest of messy hair, interspersed with the occasional kiss. The room was hot, summer was a bitch this year, and the window was open but the curtains were closed. It felt like this moment, in which Castiel existed, was the only thing in the whole of the universe. He supposed it was, to them.

Cas sighed and rolled over onto his front, resting his chin on his hands, looking up at Dean with a small smile.

Dean smiled back and searched Cas’ face. “What?” he asked softly.

Cas’ smile blossomed into a grin and he chuckled, dropping his gaze. “Nothin’,” he said, voice deep and more gravelly than normal. “It's just...  _God_ I love you.”

Dean’s whole face lit up as his lips widened into a grin. “I know you do,” he said, surging forward into Castiel, face diving into the crook of his neck. “But it’s nice to hear it.” They tumbled over so that Dean was on top of Cas and the man on top sat up. “I love you too. Obviously,” he said fondly, and there was no other moment in the universe – not to them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that's a wrap, folks! It's been a wild ride and I wanna thank each and every one of you who got to here with me, you're comments and kudos kept me going and now we're at the end of the longest fic I've ever written (I know 60k isn't actually that long but I'm proud anyway). This might not be the end end, there may be timestamps, but I'm making no promises because I feel like I need a bit of a break from this fic. Like I said, I'm idly working on another fic (possible Mafia!Cas, but it's all hush hush right now), but it's gonna be a while because I like to make each and every thing that I write better than the last and for me that means taking my time and editing. Anyway, thank you guys once again for reading, I hope the boys' ending was to your standards, and for now, farewell.  
> -B


End file.
